Deleted Emails: I Will Shoot You For Sarah Huckabee Sanders. PS THIS IS NOT A THREAT
My Little Pony: Friendship Has A Bump Stock
Morning, Wonkers! You might haver heard that Yr Wonkette stirred up Donald Trump's Internet Flying Monkey Brigade this week with a post titled "Go Fuck Yourself, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, You Debased Redneck Motherfucker." It wasn't all that different from other entries in Wonkette's "Go Fuck Yourself" series, in which we have advised any number of people -- men and women -- to go do coitus upon their own persons, but this one got noticed by some prominent rightwing outlets: The Daily Caller, the nine fulltime writers (maybe) of Twitchy, Dead Breitbart's Home For the Afraid and Addled, plus any number of the lesser downstream wingnut blogs dedicated to the Forever Culture War. And in came the self-appointed protectors of American virtue, to let Evan and Wonkette know we are just the scummiest sexists who ever discriminated against a woman, ever.
THAT'S RIGHT, GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Someone is wrong on the internet.
We'll start with the one email Evan actually replied to, since it was one of the nicer ones -- it didn't wish him death or injury even once!
I would hope that your parents are proud of you....
You sit behind that desk and write BS. Nice job.
I defended your right of Free Speech for 35 years and have a Son and two Son-In-Laws that defend your right of Free Speech now. They treat everyone with dignity and respect, even if they disagree with them. I am proud of them!
You seem to be quite a man using the language that you do.
God Bless your work.
COL(R) Mark A. C_____
Ah, yes, the old "our boys in uniform have gone to war for your right to free speech -- so stop using it" trope. Apart from the dubious idea that any of the wars America has fought in the last 35 years had anything to do with protecting our freedom of speech, we're also impressed that this writer's opinion carries special weight because he's been in the military. So how dare anyone use bad words about Sarah Sanders. Evan did reply that he, too, is a Good American, if that counts at all:
Thank you for your and your family's service, sir. I also come from a military family and take very seriously the freedoms all have fought for.
God bless you right back.
A completely different Mark was a man of fewer words:
[Subject] You Are Evil
You are simply evil personified. You're a bigot through and through.
Oh sure, a case could be made for Pol Pot, the Green River Killer, Bull Connor, that failed Austrian painter, or "Cathy" creator Cathy Guisewite, but if you want a personification of pure evil, your go-to example has to be a guy who said cusses while critiquing a press secretary.
The rhetorical content of this next hate email isn't different from most of the rants, but it has a fun twist at the end:
If you ever visit Houston, please come by my home. I would like to put a boot up your ass to thank you for your recent editorial spew. Any chance you are a faggot?
XXXX ______ Lane
Sugar Land, Texas 774XX
Yes, he included a very complete address. We talked about this one in the Wonkette Sekrit ChatCave, and for the sake of curiosity, Evan took a look on Google street view. It's a big house in a nice suburban neighborhood! We have of course redacted the address, because we don't doxx people. Hard to say whether "John M" is exactly stupid enough to share his full address with someone he's just threatened, or if maybe he gave us the address of some neighbor he has a feud with so we evil liberals would come after that person. Either way, Evan is sorry to disappoint his new friend in the Houston suburbs, but he has no plans to drop by Sugar Land anytime soon, not even on the Express. Danger lurks on ____ Lane.
Then there was this masterpiece, which has a lot to unpack:
You have got to be the sorriest two bit lowlife pigfuckers in a long line of pigfuckers. A pus gutted tub of guts. I don't even know you and I've already decided to give you all the love I'd give to a rat filled sidewinder. If I saw you bleeding on the side of the road I'd pull over, about 5 hundred feet away and break out the coyote call. In fact if I see you walking down the street I'm just gonna gut shoot your sorry leaving a trail of slime behind your cum loaded ass and call it a favor to humanity. Trump's youngest has more balls then you've ever had or will ever had. Do us all a favor and save me the trouble of making your head into a canoe.
PS. This is not a threat.
Truly a masterpiece of the emailed death threat genre, informed by the sensibilities of the old "Ed Anger" character in the Weekly World News. And yes, the great big space between the recommendation that Evan kill himself so "Mr. Wolf" won't have to and the "This is not a threat" postscript is verbatim. Guess he wanted that to sink in a bit.
This final email is simply perplexing:
You reduce the failure of Wonkette’s efforts to not showing enough patronizing love to your readers. Sick. Do you really think that is where complaints come from? How about not being pompous assholes? Satire is always border line arrogant self-love. God, if I’m tempted to read Wonkette shit again, please make me rip my eyes out.
We aren't sure what the hell this one is saying. Evan tried to make sense of it in the ChatCave:
1) Like, did he see me telling readers I love them and somehow think he was included in that group? Because none of our actual readers or the hundreds of new liberal twitter followers I got disagreed with the post.
2) Why would he need to rip his own eyes out? That seems like a whole lot of overreaction just to avoid reading liberal cusses. How will he cut the grass?????
For that matter, what does "Satire is always border line arrogant self-love" supposed mean? We get that he (?) means satire is rooted in some sense of superiority, in that the satirist thinks they're making a good point, but isn't that true of all argument? Perhaps if Evan had been a bit more equivocal: "Sarah Huckabee Sanders may wish to give consideration to the option of going and fucking herself, at least if that's something she might want to do."
Or maybe he was just saying "I can't fap to this." Hard to tell.
For the most part, Evan has been ignoring all the messages from angerbears on his Facebook, because he's already well aware from Twitter and email that he is simultaneously America's next serial rapist and a the faggiest fag who ever failed to impress a lady ever. But this one, from a nice person in California, stood out:
We honestly do not think Evan has a filly mouth, not at all. Now this is a filly mouth:
Also, Evan's friends on FacePlace have agreed that "Discussing Pugs" has to be a Counting Crows cover band.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.