Deleted Emails: Now Is The Time On Wonkette When German Artists Go Dumpster Diving!
True fact: a German once asked Mike Meyers if he'd touched a monkey. Thus a character was born.
Something a little out of the ordinary this week, kids: An email from some fans somewhere in the wilds of West Germany or possibly New Zealand (the email has a ".nz" suffix, but could have been sent from anywhere). They have a proposition for us! We will mutually benefit from their anarchist outsider art, and we are quite taken by their pitch, even though we honestly have little idea what they're really getting at half the time. Here is the email, which somehow made our computer smell of absinthe (must have been that absinthesizer app).
Hey, Dear Wonks and Fabulous D.R. (future Pulitzer/Nobel Wonk),
Here's what we gots:
OK, so far, no email click, OK you'll get it someday for us I am sure
Your site really needs the long green, - God we know, we know.
We are €uroid anarchist Komsumverweigerer (Consumption deniers) so we all (here at minnesinger5- please look up what minnesingers do - there's all kinds of opras written about our kind and we are known to consult kings and have, so far saved the world a few times over)
The current activities off the minnesinger5 are to keep us off the street and dumpsters- no lie! we earn collectively
"Little Miss High and Mighty" here and her pet Kiwi, Walther von der Vogelweide (real name) make freakish, expensive puctures from which proceeds we are sometimes able to purchase, Oh, say cheap food- Quark, Hefeweizen, Weißwurst not always cheap, but heck we hungry minnesingers)
We looked up minnesingers: "Any of certain German poet-musicians of the 12th and 13th centuries." They were big on courtly love, and were mostly members of the minor nobility just singing away and looking for patronage. The dumpster, we should note, was not invented until the 1930s. Walther von der Vogelweide was a celebrated Middle High German lyric poet, and also apparently a Kiwi. We like learning things!
Minnesingers are also the focus of the Wagner opera Tannhäuser, although it is unclear whether any were known to have seen C-Beams glittering in the dark. Whether they have actually saved the world many times over is something you may wish to debate in the comments.
We like having fans! They want to make and sell art through Wonkette, we think. We're actually pretty charmed by their own attitude toward said art, and those who purchase their puctures (we'll assume that's an intentional portmanteau, not a typo, and these are in fact very puckish pictures):
Attaached are a few of the pictures- the origionals are hanging in Hotels and rich peoples' dens and a gallery or 2.
None have sold in ages but they go for between 350€ and 5,555€ each depending on the gulibility of the (usually) rich snobs who like them. They are all expensively framed and they are nostly colored pencil on wood- laquered and flavored to the tastes of whomever invites us onto their gold foursomes or Opera boxes (no kidding we made it last year to a world premier of "South Pole" with Villazon and Thommy Hanson and Tara Erraught (whom we are all in love with) al 5 of us in one big, fancy Nationatheater Box downtown München (town full of nazis and 1% phillistines) We are opurselves €urotrash to the max, hence our collective
We actually like these puctures, so we aren't sure how to feel about that pitch, since it's pretty much "People who buy this stuff are gullible snobs! Think your readers would go for that?" Well, MAYBE! (Rebecca to interject here for naysayers in the comments; these are fabulous, very Fauve, the "wild animals" of French painters doing crazy colors and nuttiness before the wars, see Matisse, Derain, et al., no YOU shut up!)
Also, later on they mention "golf foursomes," which doesn't sound nearly so decadent as being invited to join a "gold foursome."
And now, the best line in the whole thing, for our money (which in this case is €uros):So, we is, like BROKE except for some moldy Weißwurst and some questionable Wackelpudding in the unplugged fridge (our electricity has been turned off untill we can secure back our hovel deposit interest to pay it up so we can paint and practice our music at night. We are semi jobless.
If somebody hasn't changed their Disqus username to "Questionable Wackelpudding" by the end of the morning, we'll eat our Weißwurst (but not the moldy stuff). Also, we looked it up, and we think Wackelpudding may start out pretty questionable. The pitch continues:WE PROMISE 75% of whatever you (or your contacts) can get for "Little Miss H.and M's wonderful too expensive) surrealist cartoon wood panels, expensively framed behind real glass, including shipping, batteries not included.
We promise to post comments (with votes) on your site only after we get enogh to get by through the unexpectedly wierd summer here (thank you Exxon and BP and W.VA coal miners). Only after because we wold guilttrip our lazy selves without first having paid up. So, you see our desperation . e truly do want to comment and we indeed (as real ,true minnesinger5s we have pots of snark to snort- as as mentione our Unmurikan InGlisch is not so bad, no`?
Please consider our offer -- any of the attached pictures sold for us -- by you -- you keep 75%
Now we have been know to donate in the past but ever since that first Tuesday in Nov, 2016, our better angels ave been on a protest strike and everybody here thinks (wrongly) that we are AMERI TRASH since our Unmerikun InGlisch is so good -- we think.
Big sacrifice here for Little Mis H and M who thinks she is the new Signorin Gentilesi or Saint Hildegard von Bingen with her talents -- the rest of us contribute to an underground literature quarterly who never sends us checks. Explains our jobs sweeping up in Muic Gymnasia and collecting empty bottles for deposit (pricey here in Bavaria).
We all are here as refugees, minus our better angels who are playing refugees on Pres.Abe Lincoln's lap. They also have the attached link to our pictures but, so far, No dinero, Hombres Y Dames. (part-chicano better angels).
This seems like a good place to pop in and say that while we certainly do appreciate donations and subscriptions, which are the things that make us go, we would never restrict commenting to donors only. If you can't afford to donate, for Crom's sake, we'd never ask you to become a dumpster-diving arteest. Or sit on anyone's lap, for that matter. But back to the pitch, plus some grousing about the place of the artist and the perfidy of agents and... things:Here are but a few of the images. You sell, we contribute. Our Hotels and Galleries here are useless, tasteless inefficient agents of capital growth and we do not believe in agents -- the last ones took our fancy beeswax colored pencils and broke our copyright to make the wood parts in Indonesia out of rainforest wood instead of the Utah cedar we were using so we lost both our copyright AND our pencil necklaces and got, well as you UnMurikans are wont to say "BUPKISS" (we call it DIDDLYSQUAT") so after Helen is no longer NZ PM and Yulya is no longer boss in the Ukraine and Abe came back in Japan we up and split for the Bavarian (non Illuminat tea) hinterlands. Pce Pace lets us use an unused email acccount to write stuff like this and try to fromp Little Miss H.and M's pictures to, like not starve (and sometimes score black Hasch from our Dutch roomie-eg: Me -- when I can get it for them) otherwise WE IS HUNGRY. Nerry a smart phone amoung us, no TEA VEE no uttin' we swipe newspapers off the seats of trains we ride without first buying tickets to get to our sweep up jobs and collect bottles.
We are in no way connected to any Freemasons, Fundamentalist Christians or Julian ssange, promise -- we think that stuff is just wrong, right now, besides WE BROKE and HUNGRY!
We laugh at Wonkette and the Landlady pays the electricity in her own office for which we made a key copy -- do not tell her!
Our rooms are dark and lonely and in the fridge.... welll we won't go into that right now.
If that ain't Bohemian as fuck! We haven't seen Rent, but this artist collective may be working on the sequel, Rent II: The Questionable Wackelpuddening. Also, thank heavens they're not Illuminati. That's in all our partnership contracts.
Finally, the wrap-up, with a pitch for an indie record label thrown in, because why not?But we will, (third offer ) donate 75% of all proceeds from these attached picutres. they are small, med an large- mostly colored pencil on wood, laquered, unsigned (by Little Miss H.and M. herself) The rest of us can only sing for our suppers but we are academy-trained supper singers who just do not like having money or golf foursomes or Opera boxes for ourselves (except to schmooze the rich gullibles who just bought one of L.M.H&M's pricey pics.
Otherwise, we will pay someday if the dog don't bite us first or last.
We love you, specially D.R. We just wish we could email click that post with all her baby pictures so we could get ins spy ered.
Send for price list and mailing forms if ennybody is interested.
Your pals in Bavarian Hinterlands,
p.s. do not let pace pace find out we used their email address to contact your wonderful subversive Montania
Oh, yeah, send for TRIKONT's free catalog- oldest ind. record label ever ennywear.
M5: (LMh&m, Z.v, X,X Ü.G, Kj ä und ß§ &Öö) True minnesinger5s, all.
Rebecca wrote back -- in German! -- to say that while their art was fabelhaft and their offer was indeed generous, we couldn't possibly take their money since they is so very poor. Also, she had no idea what the dumpster diving was all about.
After that reply, we also got more art, which we've interspersed throughout the post; it came along with this charming note:Dear Edetrix, Shy,D.R., Dr.Z, 5$ Fem et al,
Thak you so much for your interest in the picture we sent you. Here are a few others we managed to attach somehow. Lots more.
Freakish dolls and sculpture and music we also have in abundance.
Know any good agents?
Maxbe part of a clearance here- we are running out of space and no telling how much more content we can hold befor the walls burst apart on us.
Thank you- offer is still good . Rewards for all if we can find deliverence from our overly active output and immagination(s).
This Republican nightmare in the neew world cannot last forever.
Maybe the pictures and dolls and stuff are subversive enough to help get things right once and for all.
Your new faithfuls,
So now they want an agent? Make up your mind, you nutty anarchists! Also, dolls? We see no dolls, but we find their ideas intriguing and would like to subscribe to their newsletter.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.