Had A Good Beat, You Could Dance To It, Except This Sonic Civil Rights Infraction Eric Swalwell Picked

Had A Good Beat, You Could Dance To It, Except This Sonic Civil Rights Infraction Eric Swalwell Picked

This past weekend, a Biden-less group of hopeful Dems brought their campaigns to Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Each of the 19 candidates present got five minutes to speak, and since you know that Dems talk a lot, you've probably already predicted that quite a few were cut off by the music and pretty much dragged off the stage. This is nearly true.

But speaking of the music, the list of songs our Ladies and Gentlemen stepped lively or not so lively to, as they were dragged off the stage by the sound blasting them, is about to get judged. Here is the list from Twitter, it is in no particular order, but somehow there is a man at the top, so I will fix that. We will score these songs on a scale of 1 to 10, like our friends at Slate who got it completely wrong, like, so wrong it was physically painful, and we'd pray for them if we weren't atheist.

The List:

Let's see who wins the Game of Songs!!

​Amy Klobuchar

Amy Klobuchar says she can see Iowa from her porch, and it was obvious that she felt perfectly comfortable hanging out with the locals; she was stronger onstage than I have seen her in awhile. Perhaps she was feeling empowered by the music and the midwestern sun? Either way, she gets extra points for using music from a local Hip Hop artist, Dessa, and you can check her out for yourself.

Score: 9.0

​Cory Booker

Cory Booker is a very romantic guy, this much is quite clear. It was once wildly speculated (meh, so what, it was me) that Cory Booker was in a steady relationship with Cory Booker, and wasn't willing to let anyone come between them. Now we know that I was completely wrong about Booker being all protective of his mirror space, and being all super selfish with his toiletries. We know that because he found a woman who is just as weird and healthy as he is, and they won't stop being in love in public. The song Booker played is a lovely lovely song by Bill Withers, and him selecting it is just proving my point about him being a walking, talking Harlequin Desire Romance novel. But since it legit matches his whole aura, I have to score it higher than I would.

Score: 8.25

Eric Swalwell

Holy buttered fuckballs. What the hell was that, Swalwell? That shit was so white it's been calling the police on itself all day. It's a million microaggression medley! I'm sorry, but what possessed you to play such an extra country country song? Oh, Iowa is white as hell. Dude, you're already white. You don't have to pander to them LIKE THAT. Just make admiration over their grandkids. That's what they really want, not that hot buttered civil rights infraction of a song.

Score: 5

Bernie Sanders

What did you expect? A song younger than my lovely self who was born AFTER Lennon died? Well, too bad if you were, Bernie Sanders doesn't change. He stays the same. He was 68 years old when he was born, and he's still 68 years old, give or take a few years. Besides, it's a Classic, and also Classic Bernie. Not a shabby choice. Power to the People!

Score: 8.5

Mayor Pete Buttigieg

Um? It's a song that sounds like songs I've heard before. But apparently it is a brand new song that just sounds like that other song.

Score: 6

​Tulsi Gabbard

Nice, yet predictable, and my mom has an "old school jamz" CD that has this song on it, and she loves playing it over and over. I loves me some Marvin Gaye, but what about that Curtis Mayfield, eh? "Diamond in the Back" sends a message of connection with humanity, rich, poor, young, old, and who doesn't like "digging the scene with a Gangsta lean?"

Score: 7.75

​Kamala Harris

Kamala Harris didn't go bold and play Biggie's "I'm Going Back to Cali" like I would have advised, or even bolder and gone with "Work It," which is how the editrix kept reading the title. Instead she played it a bit safe and went for "Work That," a Black Woman anthem by Mary J Blige. I won't say it's the most exciting song, as far as Mary J Blige songs go. But honestly, Kamala's music is a cop. It arrested me last night, I just got out of jail right now, that's why this piece wasn't done, Editrix.

Score: 8.5

​John Delaney

Who doesn't love The Man In Black, who has inspired music legends across the spectrum? John Delaney, a person who is running for president we guess, was reaching for something grand and gilded, yet quaint and kitsch; this type of Americana seeks a connection with a wide swath of American archetypes. Just for using a song that men and women nationwide can find a connection to, Delaney gets an extra half point.

Score: 8.0

Jay Inslee

This is a nice little positive ditty, not too sure what message he was sending with it*, but at least it wasn't country music.

*Pretty much this.

Score: 7

Kirsten Gillibrand

Kirsten Gillibrand's choice surprised me a bit, but it really shouldn't have, knowing how subversive she can be. All buttoned up into sensibly colored cloth, so sedate. And ready to go into the prisons and personally let every weed dealer out with a profuse apology, and expungement for wasting his/her goddamn time over a fucking plant. And the song is badass too!

Score: 9.5

Tim Ryan

.Tim Ryan has never been knocked down, and neither have you. "We're either up, or we're getting up," he said to the Iowa crowd, a reference to Muhammad Ali, and it's legit the first time I've liked him. Don't get comfy Tim, I see what you did with choosing Lil Nas X, and I can't say I'm mad at you. You tried it. It wouldn't hurt to Billy Ray Cyrus your way into some support from both sides of the cracker bowl, inside and outside, right Chad? I mean, Tim? I will judge the song, not your intentions, because, I am an ADULT. Roar!

Score: 9.25

Andrew Yang

Well, lookie here lookie here! Awww sookie sookie now! This is my LEITMOTIF. Yang's is pretty much perfect, so I won't discuss how I almost quit Twitter over circumcision, because the meanies were extra snarky that day, and you can only take so much. But, his taste in music is enough for me to overlook a few teeny tiny things.

Score: 10

Marianne Williamson

I like the song, although I believe Barack Obama has already copyrighted it. Let me be clear, I have no idea what is up with this woman. I did, however, watch her speech, just like I did with all the candidates, and it was ... interesting. She says we're going to beat Trump with love or not at all, and Democrats are liars too, so, ok.

Score: 7

Elizabeth Warren

Ok, so most people were super thrilled about this choice, and I'll admit to loving Dolly Parton, and I love the song when she sings it. That said, I had hoped she'd bring it forward a decade or so, maybe choose Renegade, or Hard Knock Life just to upset Fox News. I could almost predict the hardest working woman in politics would choose a song about work, but we have a youth vote to appeal to, so let's give them some old school they've actually heard. Missy Elliott also knows how to work it.

Score: 8.0

John Hickenlooper

This song exemplifies an open heart mentality, and it's uplifting and positive without being judgmental, it's very sweet, and it's hopeful as fuck. We need more hope, more open hearts, good life lessons, while we also need less punishment in this harsh world. Good song; good guy.

Score: 9

Steve Bullock

I feel 1000% American when I hear this song; admittedly, I am not jaded, I believe in America and that she can and will fulfill her promises and obligations and become something greater than she ever was. Steve Bullock gave good speech too, he's a straight up guy, no artifice, just himself. And I like him just fine. And I love this song.

Score: 10

​Bill de Blasio

Bill de Blasio didn't get the best reception to his energetic (forceful) lines, just a light smattering of claps, perhaps from people who haven't heard of how annoying he is yet. I wondered to myself, why is this guy even here? Funny that, because I also wondered why the hell he chose a song that is obviously more suited to Beto?? Ok,I'll take him at his word, I suppose, but it feels forced.

Score: 6

Michael Bennet

Did he find the most boring Springsteen song he he could get his hands on? Ok, sorry, Thunder Road fan here, I'll let myself out. It's not that bad, but it just didn't seem to fit Bennet.

Score: 7.5

Beto O'Rourke​​​

​This is just so Beto. Exactly in character, nothing else to say.

Score: 8

Democrats have an abundance of riches as far as candidates are concerned. Sooo many fucking people are running for president when we desperately need to take back state legislatures, governorships, US Senate seats (STEVE BULLOCK, THE EDITRIX IS STILL TALKING TO YOU AND SHE THOUGHT "SMALL TOWN" WAS BULLSHIT AND HAS NO IDEA WHY WONDERBITCH GOT ALL UP IN IT), and even fucking school boards. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Also, while it may have been easy for Yang to win this contest, it's going to take more than a one hit wonder to defeat Trump. Or John Mellencamp. We'll need teamwork. We gotta stick together. Now dance!

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