New Congresswomen Dancing, Yelling And Cussing, Are Probably Witches

The Democrats took back the House Thursday with a rainbow coalition of young, brown, queer, and all-around awesome women. Republicans just can't handle it. Trey Gowdy even stumbled out of Congress yesterday like a drunk at last call.

The party of grumpy white men and Liz Cheney is especially flustered over New York's own Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Republicans literally booed her on the House floor like she'd suggested they all go see "Holmes and Watson" later. They've really set their sights on "Sandy." Wednesday, Twitter user Dan Jordan, whose handle is "@realdanjordan" like he's someone anyone cares about, released devastating video of Ocasio-Cortez dancing. That's it. That's all she was doing. She was in college and participating in a meme that recreated the dance scene from The Breakfast Club. If the intent was to embarrass her, it failed. Although I think the country lost billions in productivity with everyone stopping to watch variations of the video, paired with an assortment of popular songs, multiple times.

It's not like Republicans haven't met any young people. Former House speaker and future hack lobbyist Paul Ryan was around Ocasio-Cortez's age when he joined the House. While plotting to starve grandmothers as a college frat boy, he was also a fan of Rage Against the Machine (the feeling was not mutual). It might seem like decades ago, but Republicans insisted it was unfair to hold the youthful indiscretions of a future Supreme Court justice against him. A young Brett Kavanaugh got into fist fights with blue-eyed soul singers and collected rape alibi calendars, but he at least had to decency to do this while white and male.

Let's take a moment though to praise the ovaries on Arizona's new senior senator Kyrsten Sinema. The first openly bisexual member of the Senate came correct for her swearing in. She looked like a cross between Elle Woods and Lina Lamont. Sinema discombobulated Vice President Mike Pence, who'd previously only encountered women like her in folklore shared around Indiana campfires. She even joked with him about not having a spouse, and although she'll entertain offers from both sexes, she ain't got time for even one god. While taking her oath of office, she chose not to hold a Bible but instead a law book containing texts of the US and Arizona Constitution. Damn, Sinema.

It's not a good day for Donald Trump and his crime family when the chair of the House Financial Services Committee goes from Wall Street buddy Jeb Hensarling to Maxine "Reclaiming My Time" Waters. She was already having a good laugh over the ruckus she intends to bring to the president. Don't worry, concern-trolling Republicans, she's not going to spend all her time torturing Trump ... just some of her time. She's a busy lady.

Michigan Rep. Rashida Tlaib, my new favorite person, ruffled a lot of white feathers with her comments about Trump during a reception with supporters last night.

"And when your son looks at you and says, 'Momma, look you won. Bullies don't win.' And I said, 'Baby, they don't.' Because we're going to go in there, we're going to impeach the motherf*****," Tlaib said, to vigorous cheers from the people around her in the video posted to Twitter by immigration activist Nestor Ruiz.

Now Fox and Chris Cillizza are losing their MF-ing shit. Motherfuck!

Wall Street Journal contributor and self-described "conservative Democrat" (so basically a temporarily embarrassed Republican) Howard Forman took it upon himself to chastise Tlaib with his paternalism set to stun. He doesn't "differ" with her "anger and enthusiasm." He just wishes it were "done more quietly or with greater dignity." I know that motherfucker didn't just say that. We apparently need to just bottle our anger and grow lots of ulcers because we are "so much better than Trump." Well, duh. We already know we're better than the pussy grabber in chief, whose administration has helped kill at least two kids that we know of. We don't need to avoid words found in your average David Mamet play (or Wonkette headline) to prove that.

But Tlaib isn't backing down. She responded to the uproar this morning with nothing resembling an apology and by re-upping her commitment to remove Trump's crooked ass from the White House.

House MINORITY Leader Kevin McCarthy pointed out that the GOP had made a point of forming a "no cussin' club." How come America didn't respond to this new Puritanism at the polls?

Trump, by the way, has called women "cunts" and brown countries "shitholes." But that was in private, I guess. But what did Nancy Pelosi think about her potty-mouthed brethren?

The future is female, and Trump's future right now ain't shit.

Follow Stephen Robinson on Twitter.

Yr Wonkette is funded ONLY by reader donations. We love you, you pay our rent!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc