Demented Trumpist Invents Assault Cane With Which To Bludgeon All The Flag Burners

Demented Trumpist Invents Assault Cane With Which To Bludgeon All The Flag Burners

Throughout last week, Trump supporters cried and wailed about how awful it was that Quillette propagandist and noted phrenology enthusiast Andy Ngo got beat up by antifa activists just for shoving a camera in their faces. Their little hearts broke when they heard the fake news about said activists supposedly throwing milkshakes made with Quickcrete (They were not! Police said they got a "tip" that they were and yet had no evidence of this actually occurring, and lots of evidence of people drinking the milkshakes. Said tip also included a recipe involving making the shake with soy milk, because of course it did.)

Surely, these same people who were outraged by this were just as outraged over the murder of Heather Heyer. And while they sobbed over the cruel, inhumane violence of antifa, were also quick to note that every single extremism-related murder last year was committed by a right-wing extremist. Because their real issue is with violence in general and has absolutely nothing to do with trying to gain sympathy for themselves in an attempt to move the Overton window to the right.

That being said! There's a brand new product in town for the kind of right-wing extremist who really wishes he could bring his gun to more protests, but keeps getting thwarted by gun-free zones. It's the PATRIOT CANE. A solid steel cane with which to assault anti-fascist protesters, flag burners, and anyone else who might be out to ruin your day.

As Caroline Orr pointed out on Twitter:


The website for the Patriot Cane even features this completely normal disclaimer (emphasis mine):

Patriot Cane is not liable for any damage, injury or negative consequences to any person using our canes. They are designed to be a walking and stability aid. In other words, we will not be responsible if you decide to use your cane to go Chuck Norris on someone. HOWEVER, we guarantee 100% replacement if damaged while neutralizing anyone burning an American flag.

All Patriot Canes are hand made; therefore, there may be small imperfections. All sales are final on all custom canes; however, we want happy customers, so please contact us with any problem. We will do whatever we can to make it right.

It sure is nice of them to offer a replacement for any canes injured in the commission of an assault against a person exercising their First Amendment rights, but I have a feeling that assault canes are not actually allowed in the prison you will surely be locked up in should you actually do that.

Also. I may not be a simple country lawyer, but I feel pretty confident that if you make a cane and someone injures themselves using that cane the way a cane is meant to be used, because of some "small imperfection," you are, in fact, liable for the damage. Even if there is a disclaimer! These canes may be patriotic, but it looks like the guy who makes him is not at all familiar with our American laws.

In case you were not completely sure that this cane manufacturer guy is a total jagoff, I invite you to scroll upwards and gaze upon the main picture on this post until said picture is seared into your memory, and then come back down and look at a thing he tweeted just the other day.

Now, one would have to imagine that in order to have seen all of these women at the beach, our assault cane manufacturer would have had to be at the beach himself. Being a classy person who does not go around judging people for their outer appearances, I would normally not mention the fact that Mr. Patriot Cane guy looks like a bloated and diseased woodchuck, but since he has appointed himself the arbiter of who should and should not be allowed to enjoy the beach on a hot day, it seems appropriate. I, for one, am not foaming at the mouth to see him in an American flag Speedo (though I might be if he bit me).

[Patriot Canes]

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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