Oh nothing, just making a mango roast chicken and waiting for Liz to write her emergency post on OH JUST MAYBE THEY WERE GOING TO DO A HIT ON MARIE YOVANOVITCH, NO BIG DEAL.

Or maybe she has already finished that and we have posted it! I don't know, it is hard to concentrate!

Oh ... Democratic ... debate?

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First question for our distinguished panel of Joe and Pete and Liz and Bernie and Amy and Tom: IS THERE ANYTHING MORE ON THE YOVANOVITCH YET?


7:56 PM: DID YOU KNOW, I actually live in Mountain, not Pacific, so the debate doesn't start for another hour??? Well now I do! See you in an hour suckers! MWAH!

8:53 PM: An hour already? My, isn't time odd lately. Here are our candidates! Not a warm handshake from Bernie to Liz, but not like a MEAN HANDSHAKE either. (There has been a contretemps. You might have heard about it.)

9:00 THIS IS CNN. I'M WOLF BLITZER. Hey, the president's kind of nuts, should you be commander in chief of not going to war in Iran?

Bernie: Yes.

Biden: Barack was against the war in Iraq but did not even put me in jail. My vote was bad! I'm good now.

WOLF: Bernie, you did Afghanistan.

Bernie: Yeah, they're the ones who were harboring the guy who did 9/11. Oh wait, I didn't say that, but it is true. My Afghanistan vote was bad. "Joe and I listened to what Dick Cheney and Rumsfeld had to say. I thought they were lying [ed: correct!]. Joe saw it differently."

This is not much of an "attack." Tea and crumpets for everyone!

WOLF: Amy Klobuchar, you think Pete Buttigieg is wet behind the ears, but HE has been in Army, and YOU have NOT been in Army!

Amy Klobs: I am shaking a little bit tonight again, words about VETERANS and SUPPORTING THEM and NOT TAKING THE BAIT ON PETE. How about Trump? FUCK THAT GUY.

Pete: I served with people who don't remember those votes, because I am not OLD BALLS. Other security issues like climate! (Correct.)

WOLF: Liz Warren, even your supporters think you are weak suck for the military. [Ed: really????] Anyway, this was a cool question.

Warren: I am from a military family, but we need to think about our defense in different ways: cyber, climate, and how we spend money. The military-industrial complex is corrupt! We need to work with our allies and diplomats, and say NOT TRY TO ASSASSINATE THEM. (She did not say that. WHY WON'T THEY TALK ABOUT YOVANOVITCH.)

WOLF: Tom Steyer, a question?

Tom Steyer: Some words! But also, Barbara Lee rules.

Also: I love a billionaire who says "I agree with Senator Warren" twice in one answer. Don't even care what the question is.

WOLF: Everyone, should we leave troops in the Middle East?

Everyone: Eh, some troops.

Warren: NOPE. We need to get our combat troops out, they are not creating safety for the United States or the region.

Bernie: INFRASTRUCTURE. PAYCHECKS. HOMELESS PEOPLE SLEEPING IN THE STREETS. ENDLESS WARS. REBUILD THE STATE DEPARTMENT.

WOLF: Hey Joe, would you fuck Congress or consult with them on military force?

Joe: INFORMED CONSENT. I LOVE EVERYONE. VIETNAM WAS TERRIBLE. CONSENT = COOL.

Pete: Congress didn't want to deal with it either, because they were cowards. (Correct.)

Warren: Everyone on this stage talks about not wanting endless war. The question is, how do we PLAN to get out of it? It's not enough to say someday we'll get out. It's time to get our combat troops home.

Abby Phillip: Pete, what about nukes? Will you nuke Iran to make sure they don't get nukes?

Pete: Trump sux. Ima explain the Iran nuclear deal now so people can understand it. I should be a very popular college professor.

Abby Phillip: Klobs?

Klobs: I would use diplomats. DIPLOMATS LIKE MARIE YOVANOVITCH, WHOM NOBODY IS DISCUSSING IS NOBODY GONNA HELP REBECCA OUT?

Abby Phillip: Joe Biden, what about North Korea while everybody goes to refill their delicious beverage because BORED.

Some girl with pretty hair: Bernie, shouldn't you be for Trump's NAFTA though?

Bernie: Does not insult her. Good job, Berns.

That girl: But AFL-CIO says you have to.

Bernie: And other unions don't, and it doesn't cover climate change, and are we going to talk about that?

That girl: Yeah, but trade first. Warren, you're for this one?

Warren: Yeah, and I fought Obama on the last one. This one's slightly better even tho Trump suxxx.

Amy Klobs: I wanna "hit reality" here like Joe Biden hitting Trump and Trump hitting the floor! Wait, is that not what we were talking about? AGRICULTURE. STEEL. WORKERS. DEREK MARK AND SALVADOR and they were CRYING MEN in UNIFORM. I support the trade deal too.

Pete: Yeah, USMCA is better because Democrats made it better. I remember the '90s, I saw it on the show I Love The '90s.

Bernie: Joe and I have a fundamental disagreement here. (Anybody else feel like Bernie really *likes* Joe though? I mean, he's Joe! He's likeable!)

Steyer: Hey, get rid of the tariffs, and something about ethanol! (Is he *against* ethanol? Hey, he's running 97 percent of the ads in South Carolina, not Iowa!) CLIMATE. CLIIIIIIIIMAAAAATE. Pete, you're the generation of my kids, who are going to die of climate. Are you going to make it your number one priority?

Pete: Yes, tackle climate. "Are we going to make sure anything actually gets done?" Well, you tell us, Pete.

Abby Philip: Everyone here wants to talk about climate, so I'm going to ask about Bernie v. Liz and the sexxxisms.

Bernie: I never said it. [WARREN MAKES EYES. They are o.O eyes.] It's "incomprehensible" that anyone would think I would say that. I deferred to Senator Warren in 2016, but she didn't run. So I did. Hillary Clinton won! Everyone knows that! [Some of his supporters, possibly, do not know that.]

Warren: He said it, I disagreed, we're friends and I am not trying to fight him. But if I did, Dave Weigel would agree that I am done.

Bernie: Nobody in the WORLD thinks a woman can't win for president. IN THE WORLD!

[A small interlude in which Bernie points out that he beat an incumbent Republican for Congress 30 years ago, and Warren had said the only people on the stage who had beat a Republican incumbent "in the last 30 years" were the women, and she's like "yes, 30 years ago" and he's like "yes" and she's like "I said in the last 30 years" and it was kind of legalistic and not her best. Oh well.]

9:56 PM: Did you like your break? Because now it's healthcare, again, and Abby Phillip is asking Bernie "but how will you paaaaay for it."

WE DECLARE A LATE INTERMISSION, BECAUSE LIZ IS UP WITH THE PARNAS AND THE YOVANOVITCH HIT (?)!

But I will keep watching for you instead of reading it, because it is my job :(

Amy Klobs: Bernie and I agree on this, but what we don't agree on is this.

...

Ok.

Anyway, Amy Klobuchar is very concerned with longterm care, which is factcheck a CORRECT thing to be concerned about, lemmetellyew. But she says nobody's plans deal with longterm care, which Warren doesn't remember to NOPE her on. Robyn looked it up for me, because she is a good girl.

LONGTERM CARE FOR EVERYONE! Also please cancel my husband's student loans, Liz Warren, I would like to not pay them anymore, they suxxxxx.

Amy Klobs goes to the centrist Dem well: let's fix Trump's stupid bad deficit. Or how about we CANCEL MY HUSBAND'S STUDENT LOANS KLOBS, and also cancel my daughter's future student loans. MURDER THEM IN THEIR STUDENT LOAN CRIB!

Pete: You know who suxxxxxxxx at deficit? Republicans. Thank you Pete.

Warren: Amazon gonna pay for it, that's who gonna pay for it. Thank you Warren.

10:15 PM: They're still talking about healthcare.

Warren: I would make the drugs. But like the legal drugs.

WOLF: Klobs, would you make the drugs?

Klobs: I might make the drugs. But first, I have this internet tab open that is "137 Things A President Can Do On Her First Day. You Won't Believe Number 134!"

This girl with the pretty hair is a time nazi.

Biden talks about being a single dad and childcare, and finishes before his time is up so Fraulein Zeitbeobachterinnen won't yell at him.

Oh, we had a break again. Time for IMPEACH!

Joe Biden: Impeach the motherfucker already, but I will say it longer than that. Also, all those times I said I could unite the nation, I am saying flat our right now the true fact that it is going to be harder after impeachment, because those bitches crazy.

Klobs: They may as well make him king if they do not impeach him. DO NOT GIVE THEM IDEAS KLOBS.

They talked about some other stuff, I don't know, I got bored and was reading the comments. ANYWAY,

10:40 PM: That girl: Hey, do you guys EVEN CARE about the Iowans in our climate change floods?

Nobody even snatches her pretty hair out, but they should.

And you know what, that girl? Climate change actually takes place out of Iowa as well. On the one hand, good for you for localizing it so Iowans will realize there is water on their heads. On the other hand, did you know there's people in trouble in Not Iowa as well? Fuck you, Hair. Just go fuck you.

Steyer, accused of having fossil fuel investments, points out he's been pouring money into FIX IT. Klobs touts her environmental report card; Bernie, correctly notes that we don't have until 2040 or 2050 to get away from fossil fuels; Joe says he sponsored climate change legislation in '96, and that even just fixing the mileage standards Trump DQ'ed would save 12 BILLION gallons of gas from being burned.

I think we should do that!

Abby Phillip: Pete, why black people hate you?

Pete: Words.

Abby Phillip: Bernie, you're a socialist. Doesn't that make you unelectable?

Bernie: No. Plus words of bad things about Trump and good things about not Trump.

Abby Phllip: Tom Steyer, you spent a hundred million dollars on ads. You just your money?

Steyer: Trump is gonna scaremonger about Dems and the economy. I made actual billions not from my dad who Rebecca is pretty sure was a Nuremberg Trials prosecutor, somebody should look that up. Then I started putting my money in actual good things, which is why Rebecca doesn't hate me even though yeah I totally bought my way into this debate.

Pete: I will fight Trump for Christians. Good luck, Pete, those people are nuts.

11:03 PM! Closing statements!

Amy Klobs: Racial justice, climate change, gun reform, Trump suxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, I will look out for you.

Tom Steyer: Hi Iowa! I love America and SPORPS. Republicans and Trump kick people in the face. I will say NO FACE KICKING, caucus for me!

Pete:


The Goonies (4/5) Movie CLIP - It's Our Time Down Here (1985) HD www.youtube.com

Warren: Here is a list of EVERY SINGLE GROUP of people suffering in America that YOU FUCKERS didn't ASK ABOUT because it was too important to do half an hour on healthcare AGAIN and go through "North Korea: bad or cool guys?" Also, I'm a chick. VOTE FOR THE BROAD.

Bernie:

Jekyll & Hyde - 13. This Is The Moment www.youtube.com

Joe: Respect and dignity and character counts and decency and not being dicks. I will fight the dicks. I will go behind the gym and beat them bloody! Goooo TEAM!

And that is it from us, tabs comes early here on the farm.

We love you, bye-bye.

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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