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Kind of a Idiot


Dennis Prager, the current human host of Phil Donahue's hair from 1980 and a man who once insisted that no more than five children in all of Los Angeles might actually suffer from hunger, published a thinky piece at National Review on the topic of Happiness, and why conservatives and liberals experience basic human emotions differently. Here is how it starts: "Listen: Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time." Actually, that is how Slaughterhouse-Five starts. It's really good. Go order it and read or re-read it because it's worth reading, and Dennis Prager is not. But we'll show you Dennis Prager's thinky thunky wordfumblings anyway:

One of the most important differences between the Right and the Left — one that greatly helps to explain their differences — is the difference between unhappy liberals and unhappy conservatives.

Unhappy conservatives generally believe they are unhappy because life is inherently difficult and tragic, and because they have made some unwise decisions in life.

But unhappy liberals generally believe they are unhappy because they have been persecuted.

We think he may have been going for a grand Tolstoyan observation like that thing about happy and unhappy families, which was also a load of codswallop but was at least quite memorable.

Mind you, this is a guy who thinks California's droughts result from pagan nature-worshipers who make everyone suffer on behalf of endangered fishies, that free speech is imperiled by firing racist basketball team owners, and that naked people endanger the very qualities that elevate humans above mere animals. So he knows what it means to be oppressed, but apparently he wasn't really unhappy all those times.

Anyway, he's pretty sure that the more feminist a woman is, the more convinced of her oppression she is, and so she can never be happy, because "believing one is oppressed makes happiness all but impossible." Further, black people who thing racism is even a problem anymore, or that America still has some kind of legacy of racism, have surely fooled themselves into being angry and unhappy all the time, unlike black conservatives, who are downright jolly!

If you have ever spent time with black conservatives, one of the first things you will notice is that they have a much happier disposition than left-wing blacks. I receive many calls to my radio show from black listeners. I almost always know immediately whether they are on the right or the left solely by their tone of voice. The cheerful black caller is almost always a conservative.

Yes, and Prager is also simply delighted at their charming habit of stepping off the curb and casting down their eyes when he is on the public side-walk. Since Yr Wonkette is a perpetually aggrieved liberal, we suppose we are obliged to point out to Prager that any caller to a political talk radio show is more likely to be cheery if they agree with the host, and perhaps less so if they disagree. Unless of course it's a Thirty-Years Hate like the Rush Limbaugh program, where everyone is angry all the time.

You see, Prager explains, there really is nothing to the Left except anger:

The Left cultivates unhappiness by cultivating anger. It does this for the same reason wine-growers cultivate grapes: No grapes, no wine; no anger, no Left (and no Democratic party). And angry people are not happy people.

If only people could just look around and see how just and wonderful America is, where we really have no problems outside of all those unhappy Leftists complaining all the time! Say, it must be time for another personal anecdote, which is Prager's preferred form of data:

Last week in Atlanta, I spoke for about 40 minutes to six randomly chosen black students from a local black college (for the upcoming film No Safe Spaces that Adam Carolla and I are making). [Ed note: This fucking thing] Each one said he is oppressed. When I told them I didn’t think blacks in America are oppressed, I sensed that they had never actually been told that by anyone. It was akin to telling physics students that gravity doesn’t exist. And when I added that I don’t think women are oppressed either, they were equally shocked.

Huh! We would first observe that GRAVITY DOES EXIST, YOU FUCKING MAROON. And so does systematic white supremacy, unless of course you shut your eyes and insist real loud it does not, which makes your fantasy come true. We bet when Prager told them white privilege also does not exist, they invited him to follow them when they went shopping at an upscale department store. Sadly, he had a plane to catch.

No black child could possibly grow up happy if parents and teachers keep telling them America is racist. To prove this, Prager notes that his very own father wrote his college thesis on Anti-Semitism, but never ever let it get him down, because AMERICA:

In other words, my father fully acknowledged the existence of anti-Semitism in the United States. Yet he raised my brother and me in an America-loving home and told us that he believed American Jews are the luckiest Jews in history — because they are American.

I therefore never knew what it was like to walk around thinking most of the people I met hated me. That alone contributed to my happiness.

See? If it happens to Dennis Prager, it is truth. Leftists simply hate America too much to acknowledge it.

Also, leftists don't know what it means to be grateful -- not a one of them! -- so they are incapable of being happy or appreciating all the good America has wrought, so they spend all their time dissing the best country in the world.

Don't you go trying to tell Prager you love America like Al Franken does, either, you liar:

We love America just as much as they do. But in a different way. You see, they love America like a 4-year-old loves his mommy. Liberals love America like grown-ups. To a 4-year-old, everything Mommy does is wonderful and anyone who criticizes Mommy is bad. Grown-up love means actually understanding what you love, taking the good with the bad and helping your loved one grow.

That's just the sort of snotty thing Prager expects from an ungrateful malcontent like you. And don't go thinking you're happy, or that working for progressive causes brings you joy, or that joining with other lefties to work for justice is fulfilling, because you're not, it doesn't, and it can't be. You're just miserable, and he knows it. And don't you dare say that Saint Molly Ivins had more joy in her left ulna than Dennis Prager, because just look at what a cheery fellow he is. Also, there are absolutely no figures on the American right whose entire careers depend on the continual production of white grievance angerporn. They're just angry for America.

Yr Wonkette is supported by reader donations. Please click here to send us money -- strangely, we feel grateful for that, even though we're not rightwingers.

[National Review]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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