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Welcome, O Wonkers and Wankers, to another edition of the Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we clean the sticky residue of stoopid stories from our browser tabs, cut it with asecret mix of chemicals from Freedumb Industries, and serve it up to you in an elixir that's easily as tasteful and memorable as Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey.


  • Our Shining Star of Stoopid this week is this story about a memorable anti-wanking video produced by the Idaho campus of Brigham Young University. (Apparently, this is the week that the Junior Anti-Sex League releases all its Purity Propaganda in a passionate spasm of anti-sexing enthusiasm.) The four-minute epic begins with a voiceover of BYU-Idaho president Kim B. Clark telling us that "the temptations of the Great War are many, the battles are real, and the strategies are clever," as we see a "lonely and confused young man" in his dorm, transfixed by the glow of a computer monitor. His roommate walks in and sees what the poor fellow is doing, then turns away in shame, powerless to help. No, he didn't catch him wasting his life playing World of Warcraft or watching My Little Pony mashups -- in fact, the poor guy is “spiritually wounded on the battlefield of the Great War,” a hopeless porn addict!! (Add as many exclamation points as you think necessary.) Thankfully, we do not see the actual wound, which is no doubt self-inflicted.

    The scene dissolves, and the young man is now an extra in a recreation of the Battle of the Bulge, in black and white as WWII actually occurred. As he lies wounded on a smoky battlefield, a squad of soldiers takes cover. One of them is the roommate, who views his anguished wounded friend through binoculars, which is absolutely NOT an endorsement of voyeurism, you filthmonkeys. As the roommate starts to go rescue his comrade, a squadmate holds him back, and Clark intones,

    “In our modern society, the Enemy has spread fear of getting involved when someone’s in trouble, and has fostered a social stigma against people who speak up in the face of evil. The enemy whispers, ‘Don’t get involved.’”

    As we all know, "the Enemy" has infiltrated our own ranks, and is constantly whispering such dangerous thoughts as "mind your own freakin' business and let your roomie have a nice wank if he wants, as long as he doesn't leave spooge on the keyboard."

    Happily, the roommate climbs out of his safe foxhole (HA!!) and sprints to his wounded friend's rescue, which back in the real world means reporting him to his Bishop, who stages a Purity Intervention and saves the young man from a life of self-pollution and sends him off to party with other clean-cut young Mormons, including several girls who will definitely save themselves for marriage because they saw that other modesty video from last fall. Presumably, girls are immune from masturbation, probably because until Obama ruined the military, they weren't allowed in combat.

    This video raises so many questions -- why a WWII movie? We are guessing because in the fevered imagination of whoever made this thing, that was the "Good War," which "everyone" agrees is was as free of moral ambiguity as issues of sexual purity ought to be (never mind the messy reality of either). For that matter, how far is this "war" metaphor supposed to go? What is the equivalent of the incoming fire the roommate dodges -- is that "modern society's disapproval of taking a moral stand," or is it exploding pornography, or...? And what should we make of the suggestion that the enemy is wearing a "German Helmet?"

  • Next up in Culture Wars, we have the heroic Defenders of Marriage in the Oklahoma Lege, who have spent $70 million in federal money on programs to shore up marriage in the state, which somehow has the nation's third-highest divorce rate, despite also being the country's 10th "most Christian" state. Republicans in the Lege have all sorts of cool ideas to keep people married, like a bill that would force couples to wait six months between filing for and finalizing a divorce, on the chance that keeping miserable people bound to each other will encourage them to work things out. Another proposal would simply eliminate "incompatibility" as grounds for divorce, again because probably a lot of people just dissolve their marriages on a whim. (Getting married on a whim will remain legal, of course.) Also, last fall, the Lege passed a measure to spend money on Public Service Announcements informing viewers that marriage is a really good thing, because probably a lot of people had never thought of that. And finally, just to make sure there's never any gay marriage in Oklahoma, state Rep. Mike Turner has suggested that the state do away with marriage altogether, leaving the institution up to the churches. If nobody can legally get married, then the state isn't discriminating! That should prove popular, as all Oklahoma couples will happily file as single taxpayers, secure in the knowledge they've foiled the Gays.
  • Speaking of The Ghey, here's an inspiring story of a Colorado pastor who came up with a creative way to supplement his income while also punishing the dreaded homosexuals. Rev. Michael Abromovich of Denver was arrested last month after an investigation uncovered his brilliant scheme: He posted an ad on Craigslist soliciting gay men for sex, met a guy at a Motel 6, then pulled out a badge and a (maybe fake) gun, announcing that he was a "U.S. Marshall," and handcuffed the guy. He then "confiscated" the man's laptop, iPad, cell phone, money and debit card as "evidence" that needed to be "analyzed." After Abromovich released his captive, the guy went to the real Denver police, who "filed a nationwide warrant for the pastor on a trio of felony charges — kidnapping, robbery and impersonating a peace officer."

    Abromovich was arrested in Phoenix, and attempted to show his phony badge to the arresting officers, who did not find his Junior Detective shield persuasive. He's been extradited back to Colorado for prosecution. Another pastor at his church, "Set Free Christian Ministry," emphasized that Abromovich's alleged actions were "the opposite of what any Christian would be about," which is a big relief to know. As any fool knows, the Bible does not call for kidnapping and robbing homosexuals, it calls for stoning them to death.

  • At a Tea Party breakfast last week, Oklahoma Congresscritter Jim Bridenstine didn't comment on a constituent's insistence that Barack Obama is "not president" and "should be executed as an enemy combatant" because, of course, America has been overwhelmed by all those "Muslims that he is shipping into our country through pilots on commercial jets” -- referring to a conspiracy theory that is surprisingly popular among some wingnuts.

    Bridenstine didn't comment on the nice lady's call for Obama to be dragged out and shot, but did say that "Everybody knows the lawlessness of this President" (at which point he probably lost the lady's vote anyway, because it's clear Obama is not the President, really) because he "rules by decree" and lets the UN make up America's laws. After all, why would a member of the U.S. Congress want to say that the President shouldn't be executed?

  • Finally, the other day, Megyn Kelly explained that the main thing we need to understand about the Constitutional Crisis revealed by MSNBC's Cheerioghazi scandal is that liberals are just plain biased against conservative marriages. You see, first off, Liberals can't believe that there are any blacks that are conservative, because they assume all blacks are Democrats. And so not only do liberals hate conservative blacks, they hate black conservatives in interracial marriages. And for that matter, maybe they just plain are intolerant of conservatives altogether, as that deleted tweet by a staffer at MSNBC proves, QED.

    “Many on the left pride themselves on being accepting of many, many things ... of people who are different, of people who make different lifestyle choices, certainly of interracial marriage ... but, interracial marriage where one person happens to be conservatives? Or just conservatives in general? You know, there is a question about whether the left is tolerant of that in general.

    Ms. Kelly appears to be confused, not merely about what liberals think, but of what "tolerance" is. As we've mentioned before, tolerance means "putting up with something you don't like." It is true that liberals may not like conservatives. It's probably more accurate to say we don't like "conservative ideas," although lord knows there are plenty of conservative people we dislike, especially on Fox News. What we're getting at is that "disliking" is pretty much a necessary component of "tolerance" -- if you like something, you accept or embrace it, and if you don't care about it, you ignore it. And if you aren't trying to eradicate something you dislike, you're pretty much left with tolerating it. Really, this isn't all that hard to understand, Megyn. We even made a flow chart for you.

  • [RawStory / Daily Beast / RawStory / RightWingWatch / RawStory]

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    Doktor Zoom

    Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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