Derp Roundup: Special All Hallows' Eve Edition
Hey-ho, Wonkerinos and Wonkerinas! Here we are at the day before Halloween, and as usual, some people are just cold insisting on celebrating the coming holiday by hanging bats in their belfries. Let's have a look:
- Father Peter Carota is very worried about all this evil Halloweening that otherwise-decent people allow their children to participate in:
One year I was in Mexico for halloween. I saw so many mothers holding the hands of their children as the walked to them school. All the children were dressed up as little devils in red suites [sic] and horns. It was so sad to see Catholic mothers dressing their kids up as satan. I do not think they want their kids to be little devils at home causing all sorts of trouble. Who wants a devil for a child?We are not certain whether Fr. Carota is also worried that children in other costumes may be at risk of becoming transforming giant robots, medieval princesses, or -- god forbid -- clowns. And for our money, the scarier thing about his story is that Mexican folks are doing that dumb Estados-Unidos-style "Halloween" stuff instead of their perfectly awesome Dia de los Muertos, which is superior in every way to our sugar-fueled idiocy. Fr. Carota also frets about real witches and Satanists prowling the streets and doing sacrifices and stuff, and claims to have witnessed
a satanic gathering with a huge bonfire. All night long they screamed satanic incantations. It was the worst night I ever spent in my life, having to hear this over and over all night long.We're guessing this was actually what the less superstitious types among us call a "loud party." As an alternative, he suggests that parents instead have "a party with saint's costumes," although he admits this is never a popular suggestion. He also recommends that priests celebrate the Mass in Latin on Halloween night, to fight against the overwhelming Satanic influence. It probably works, as he does this every year, and not once has he or any of his parishioners been kidnapped and sacrificed by Satanists.
- In Orange County, California, prominent idiots wearing blackface dressed up as Trayvon Martin and Tupac Shakur. Why don't they just read the guidelines, huh?
- Ireland Baldwin, daughter of Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, made a bold and very original costume choice of her own, painting University of Arizona colors under her eyes to Dress Up As A Injun: She didn't respond especially well to criticism, and took to Twitter to rant, which is apparently just what your Baldwins do. First, she explained that no one should be upset, because all she was doing was recreating a classic Disney character, and as everyone knows, there are no offensive Disney characters, that is just LOGIC and SCIENCE: Ugh. But fine, if you're all going to be pissy about it, she'll delete her pics, because you people have SUCH EMPTY LIVES: Besides, she wasn't doing anything that doesn't already have the blessing of the marketplace. Also, too, she has every right to put some blue and red warpaint on, because HERITAGE: Oh. Cherokee, huh? Why do white people never decide that somewhere waaaay back, their roots are Arapaho, or Shoshone-Bannock? Freakin' Cherokee supremacists.
- An Akron, Ohio, high school teacher was placed on paid leave after posting a racist rant on his FaceSpace page: He seems nice. And of course, he thinks it's unfair to complain about his use of that one word, because -- let's all sing the line together -- they say it all the time to each other. Instead of candy, we hope Mr. Spondike will get a clue.
- And finally, a woman in North Dakota called a radio station to share her unique idea for making Halloween better for the whole community: If kids are too fat for her liking, she'll give them this happy note instead of candy: For some reason, the idea of a multistate road trip to TP an entire house seems far less illogical than it did ten minutes ago.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.