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Greetings, worthly wokette skum, and welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, our weekly barf bag of bits and bytes that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite enough to do a full post on. This week, we'll start off with an update on an update to a story from 2011: John Pike, the infamous "pepper spray cop" who treated protesters at Occupy UC Davis to a casual serving of capsaicin-tinged brutality, has reached a settlement with the university in his workers' comp claim. Pike will receive a total of $38,056 in compensation for depression and anxiety he experienced after getting death threats related to his actions. Just to add a little extra dollop of derp to the story, it turns out that Pike, who was at least fired, is receiving a larger settlement than any of the people he pepper sprayed:


In January, UCD agreed to pay $1 million to settle a federal suit. Twenty-one plaintiffs who were sprayed or arrested were to receive $30,000 each. Another 15 who also had claims approved were to be paid $6,666 apiece.

So there you go: Justice is blind, probably because of the chemical irritants sprayed in its face.

  • In a Cocktober story of another law enforcement officer going beyond and below the call of duty, we have a federal air marshal who was arrested a week ago for using his cell phone to take upskirt pictures of a female passenger:

    Adam Joseph Bartsch, 28, was on duty during the alleged incident, which took place on a Tampa-bound Southwest flight from Nashville. The flight was delayed for about an hour as Bartsch was escorted from the plane and turned over to Nashville police.

    Bartsch was removed from duty and the TSA is "in the process of suspending or terminating his employment." If only his first name were Paul, he'd at least have a shot at being a mall cop. But how are we supposed to protect America from underwear bombers if our brave federal marshals can't do undercover inspections of suspicious groinal areas?

  • Sarah Palin declined an invitation to appear on Piers Morgan's teevee show by posting a photo of herself with a dead animal on FaceDerp.com, with a note (in white-out?) reading "Piers: Kind of Busy right now." An alert member of the Twitteratti noted a teensy issue with the photo:

    Note: Remember, we'll be patrolling the comments. Don't be that commenter, please.

  • A waiter at Carrabba’s Italian Grill in Overland Park, Kansas, received a charming note in lieu of a tip from a couple who just knew that their advice about his soul was far more valuable than mere cash:

    “Thank you for your service, it was excellent. That being said, we cannot in good conscience tip you, for your homosexual lifestyle is an affront to GOD. Queers do not share in the wealth of GOD, and you will not share in ours. We hope you will see the tip your fag choices made you lose out on, and plan accordingly. It is never too late for GOD’S love, but none shall be spared for fags. May GOD have mercy on you.”

    We have no idea why the couple decided the server was gay. Their brilliant justification for stiffing a working person is not exactly new -- we got more than one of these "tips" back in our college days, so these folks were simply taking holy cheapskatery one step further. The restaurant management has emphasized that it supports the waiter and that they "embrace diversity and believe in treating everyone with respect." One upside: since the news first broke, a lot of Carrabba's patrons, including at least one retired pastor, have asked to be seated in the unidentified waiter's section.

  • A 19-year-old Florida man, John Shiffner, was arrested for assaulting his pregnant girlfriend, knocking her to the ground. When sheriff's deputies arrived,

    Shiffner "began rambling on about how Obama is right." Shiffner then allegedly stated, "Obama said cops always listen to women."

    HuffPo dutifully adds that Barack Obama does not appear to have ever said this. The deputy's report says that Shiffner smelled strongly of alcohol, but he denied that he'd been drinking. The report did not indicate whether he'd been watching Fox News.

    Also, do we really need to say more than just "Florida man" anymore?

  • A cemetery in Cincinnati has asked a grieving family to remove the SpongeBob SquarePants headstones erected at the grave of Kimberly Walker, a soldier who was murdered last spring. Spring Grove Cemetery had originally given permission to Walker's family to install the monuments on the six plots they had purchased for their daughter, who loved the cartoon character, collected SpongeBob memorabilia, and was buried with a SpongeBob plush doll in her casket.

    Each SpongeBob wears a military uniform, with one wearing an Army uniform for Kimberly Walker and another in a Navy uniform for her twin sister, Kara, who is serving as an IT specialist.

    They are each 6 feet tall and 4 feet wide, and each headstone also stands on an 8-inch base, bringing the full height to 6 feet 8 inches.

    Spring Grove's management told the family that the markers, which cost over $13,000 each, did not meet the historic cemetery's guidelines, which is the sort of thing you'd think they'd have figured out when the Walkers first mentioned "6-foot-tall Granite SpongeBobs," instead of the day after their installation. The management has offered to replace the SpongeBobs with another marker that conforms with guidelines at no cost.

    Yr. Wonkette doesn't really have an opinion on this, other than not being able to wrap our head around the idea of Kara, the surviving twin, going through her life knowing that there's a giant granite character from a 1999 cartoon show waiting for her at the end of the line. We understand fandom, but we don't want any of our entertainment enthusiasms to go with us into that good night. Then again, the last wish of this Cleveland Browns fan has a certain poetry to it: "He respectfully requests six Cleveland Browns pall bearers so the Browns can let him down one last time."

  • [Davis Enterprise / Gawker / RawStory / Twitter / New Civil Rights Movement / KCTV / HuffPo / RawStory]

    Doktor Zoom

    Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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