Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compost Heap Of Cretins And Creeps

Would you believe it's the final Derp Roundup of 2013? This is where we bring you the virtual melon rinds and coffee grounds of stories that didn't quite earn a full post of their own, but were too stoopid to ignore altogether. We find they go down a lot easier if you're heavily anaesthetized -- if you can't find alcohol, a couple whacks with a large cartoon mallet may do the job.

  • Our Top Derp this week goes to that horror up top, the "Turkey Bear," the creation of Russian artist Viktor Ivanov. It probably shoulda gone into our Christmas Derp Spectacular, but we somehow missed it. So here it is now, since derp, unlike poultry, has virtually no expiration date. According to Ivanov's blog, the misbegotten critter was actually made in April, but thanks to the transformative magic of the Internet, it ended up getting reported as an actual special Christmas entrée stitched together out of cuts of meat and covered with chicken skin. What actually happened was that British chef Simon Hulstone uploaded the photo somewhere and joked that he'd made it for his kids for Christmas; a friend tweeted it, and the story went viral. Unfortunately, despite all the stories saying it was made out of mystery cuts of meat, Ivanov actually says he made it by sewing chicken skins onto a regular teddy bear, which would at least explain why it's photographed on what looks like a concrete floor, not a kitchen countertop. After first posting the photos back in April, Ivanov commented,

    On the whole it made me feel disgusted the entire time I was making it… One should not know what it’s like to sew through skin

    He seems nice!

    The Turkey Bear is not the only culinary abomination to go viral this holiday season; earlier in December, the web had fun with photos of a "Cthurkey" assembled by Rusty Eulberg of Lubbock, Texas. And unlike the turkey bear, Eulberg's eldritch horror is actually edible, a combination of turkey, king crab legs, and octopus tentacles. No guarantees on whether eating it will drive you mad.

    We just want to know how it is that C_R_Eature didn't post this thing here first.

  • And an update on our story about Alabama's collective freakout over the Prancing Elites, the black gay Santa dance crew that was too fabulous for the Christmas parade in Semmes, Alabama. After all the pearl clutching and couch fainting in Semmes, the Prancing Elites were disinvited from performing in Mobile's "Moon Pie Over Mobile" New Year's Eve parade. SADFACE! :( But then, a Prancivus Miracle occurred! It turns out that The Internet Was Not Pleased with their home state's ingratitude! Money started flowing in to their Kickstarter fundraiser for a rehearsal space and costumes, and they started getting invitations from all over the country! And by golly, even after being kicked out of the parade, they are still going to dance their festive elfin butts off all over downtown Mobile after an invitation from a local bar and an arts-n-entertainment website.

    And because it would be simply wrong to mention the Prancing Elites without a video, here is a video. With marching band music.

  • In other news from the world of dancing gay men, a manager at Cactus Canyon in Victoria, Texas, escorted two gay men off the dance floor, telling them that it was "against the club's policy for two men to dance to country music together," but that they would be allowed to dance together to hip-hop and rap songs, according to one of the men. The bar's director of operations later told a local newspaper that no such policy existed, and that the couple had been ejected from the club for being "disruptive," so it's pretty much a gay-dancing Rashomon, isn't it? Unfortunately, the only example the spokesman cited was that one of the men poked the manager in the chest in the parking lot while asking for an explanation of the no-men-dancing-together-to-country-music policy, so we aren't terribly convinced. Maybe they just knew that country music is the inevitable prelude to blowjobs?
  • A completely insane Christianist Men's Rights blog, "Word On Fire," ran a long, long derppile about the complete disappearance of male heroes from Hollywood movies for children. No, Shrek doesn't count, because he lets women teach him to be sensitive, the big fag. Now it's all just warrior princesses and "incomplete males" and mixed-gender teams. Shut up, it totally is. And why is this bad? Because not only is it turning boys into wimps, it's even hurting Christianity:

    The animated world of incomplete men who desire the fair maiden’s hand is indeed a mirroring of the young men coming of age today. So often we find that rather than desiring and finding true love, ultimately fulfilled in finding Christ, young men have become flaccid in the matters of fighting and dying for lasting relationships. In large part this is due to how they have been educated to become men ... Rather than showing what is good and noble in males, these depictions of piecemeal, laidback men who still get the girl, has become the norm.

    Perhaps what has actually inadvertently occurred through these films is a warning to young men that if they don’t start acting like the knight in shining armor, the woman they desire will stop looking for one.

    We ran this theory of feminized kids' films causing irreparable damage to boys' ability to be honorable men past Kid Zoom, who laughed derisively and went back to chatting on Facebook with his gender-mixed group of friends who think all that stuff is bullshit. Somehow, we were not terrified by the sight. Kid is a little weird, though -- he doesn't even like My Little Pony.

  • Hey, speaking of Manly Virtues, how about a couple of quick gun-fondling updates? Why not! In Texas, the grand opening festivities for a brand-new shooting range, the Frisco Gun Club, which bills itself as "the nation’s largest indoor shooting range," were slightly dampened when an employee's weapon accidentally discharged while he was trying to clear a jam, slightly injuring his hand. Happily, no one else was hurt.

    And to prove something or other, gun-fondling blogger Mike Vanderboegh, the guy who whipped "Fast and Furious" into a national issue, made a very important point about something or other when he mailed high-capacity AR-15 ammunition magazines, sans actual bullets, to the Democratic governors of Colorado and Connecticut, who had both signed laws restricting magazine capacity -- to 15 rounds in Colorado and 10 rounds in Connecticut. By mailing 30-round magazines to Colorado's John Hickenlooper and Connecticut's Daniel Malloy, Vanderboegh proved conclusively that you can send stuff in the mail. Seriously, what was the point here? "Your states passed laws after mass shootings, so here is an item that is banned by that law. Haw haw haw, gun control can never work, I WIN!" Wow so guns such awesome power.

  • Anne Coulter wrote a column making fun of Kwanzaa, declaring it

    a nutty blend of schmaltzy '60s rhetoric, black racism and Marxism. The seven principles of Kwanzaa are the very same seven principles of the Symbionese Liberation Army, another innovation of the Worst Generation.

    Because radical black nationalists from the '60s are simultaneously ridiculous and scary, scary scary.

  • Finally, even though it's no meth-fueled masturbatory rage, there may be a chance you have not heard about the Florida man who tried to barter an alligator for a 12-pack of beer. You have now heard about him. Nice try, guy, but without pot and a stripper pole, it's a decidedly bush-league effort.

  • [Daily Mail / Victor Ivanov / Gothamist / / RawStory / Word On Fire / RawStory / TPM / Ann Coulter / CNN]

    Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. If you don't, as Iron Sheik sez, "i never respect you, dont give a fuck about you and you can go fuck yourself forever" (that is harsh, man.)

    Doktor Zoom

    Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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