Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies
Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we take a good stiff metaphorical cleaning tool to our browser tabs, collect the stories that are too stupid to ignore altogether but not enough to deserve a full post, and serve them up to you in a metaphorical beverage that we urge you to consume a literal perception-altering agent of your choice before reading.
When the cops interviewed Marsonek inside his house, they also found that he possessed a handgun, which led to another charge since he had a prior felony conviction (we don't know what prior felony that was, and we don't think we want to know). Eight pit pulls were seized and taken to Animal Services, and Marsonek was also charged with aggravated animal cruelty and sexual activity involving animals.
The one good thing to come out of this story? Wingnuts who worried about the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" can be reassured that dogfucking remains illegal.
"I tried doing it without a condom and it was just, like, way too hot," he said. "I put it in the fridge for a little bit and I was like, 'Dude, I’m gonna have to use a condom if I’m gonna actually stick my dick in the whole Hot Pocket.'"
@Dominos_UK HELLO I'VE JUST MADE LOVE TO ONE OF YOUR PIZZAS AND BURNT MY PENIS SEVERELY. PLEASE ADVISE ON YOUR TERMS FOR A REFUND. THANKS.
Honestly, we do not carethat there was no man-on-pie sex, because of the perfectly brilliant string of replies from the corporate twitter account at Domino's Pizza UK, which started with the form-lettery-blowoff "Please contact our head office -- firstname.lastname@example.org regarding this matter" and then, as the troll started getting sillier, kept pace:
And then, when troll lad escalated to
LOOK, I'VE TRIED EMAILING YOUR HEAD OFFICE WITH NO SUCCESS BUT NOW THE PIZZA WANTS TO GIVE ME A BLOW JOB, PLEASE ADVISE.
The corporate tweeter replied, not to the troll, but to another goofball who retweeted the thing:
Needless to say, we bet that the Dominos tweetorz in the USA would not be anywhere near as much fun, and someone would get fired if they tried. #hashtag Hitler Sadface f:=(
So be careful where you leave your drug-laced treats, you damn hippies. And the kitchen counter is not necessarily a safe spot -- Yr Doktor Zoom's old Labrador retriever, Paxil (because he was the best antidepressant ever), once made an entire plate of shortbread (non-enhanced, but buttery) vanish in the space of a minutes, leaving only crumbs and a dog giving us that completely innocent look that they have evolved so we will keep feeding them.
Meet Matthew Bossard, 32, and Leticia Kagele, 36, of Eugene, Oregon, who were very drunk and very unhappy that the staff at Whirled Pies told them that they were in fact too drunk to be served. Well goddammit, that's no reason to deny them service -- it's not like they were gay or something -- so the couple left, the employees locked the doors, and then Bossard and Kagele returned and began pounding on the door. At that point, the good pizza folks called 911 and headed for the basement; the drunks then broke a window and tried to set the restaurant on fire with some homemade moonshine they'd brought along. Happily, the fire didn't catch, and police arrived and arrested the moonshine-wielding idiots, who were charged with arson and burglary.
We only mention this because now we at last have found a practical use for that bottle of Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey rotgut swill that our sweetheart was talked into buying for us when we had a cold a few weeks ago. It did nothing for our sore throat, but we're pretty sure the aftertaste is still with us. Bad liquor recommendations justify arson, don't they?*
Update:Hey, how'd we miss that? We've actually met one of these gents before -- the "VP for international sales" for Freedom orchard is Frank Szabo, the former New Hampshire sheriff candidate who got Yr Wonkette's attention in 2012 when he said he couldn't guarantee he'd never use deadly force against abortion doctors. We gave him a mention that fall when he moved to Chile, and by golly, he's still there, and apparently has not (yet) shot off his own peener.
"I haven't been penetrated in years," and "I am so horny."
The officer tried to steer the conversation back to the topic of the call, asking what he could do for her.
Montenez-Colon's response was "You can [expletive] me," according to the report.
While telling the cop that she would like to try to get a Corvette back that she had signed over to her stepson, Montenez-Colon also kept trying to "press charges" with the officer, and "repeatedly tried to grab the officer's arm and tried to rub her hands on his chest." The cop said he wouldn't be able to help her with either problem, warned her against misusing the 9-1-1 system, and left.
So of course, she called 9-1-1 again an hour later because she was angry that she'd been turned down. The cop returned to her house, bringing along a second cop for backup. Unfortunately, there was no bad 70's synthesizer music -- Montenez-Colon complained to the new cop that the first officer "was a perfect gentleman, but when I asked him to [expletive] me, he turned me down so that made me angry."
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL:
When asked by the original officer if she remembered the conversation about misuse of 911, Montenez-Colon allegedly said, "I do, but how else am I going to get you to [expletive] me?"
Montenez-Colon was arrested for Misuse of 911 and booked into the Charlotte County Jail.
Florida, ladies and gentlemen. Florida.
And as an alert Gawker commenter noted, one of those happy cops, Detective Winston Harbin, just can't resist getting his dance on:
Yr Wonket wishes you a happy weekend.
* Wonkette is a satirical publication. No actual endorsement of arson as revenge for bad liquor recommendations should be inferred. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. To induce vomiting, you may want to consider Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey.
Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. Or he will regift that bottle of Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey to you.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.