Derp Roundup: Your Weekly March Through The Marshes Of Madness
Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we scrape the dumbest possible news leftovers off our overheated browser tabs, blend them into an almost-digestible slurry, and serve them up to you with a muffin and a warning to imbibe heavily.
Sorry to disappoint, but we won’t be commenting on this one.
The We the People terms of participation state that, “to avoid the appearance of improper influence, the White House may decline to address certain procurement, law enforcement, adjudicatory, or similar matters properly within the jurisdiction of federal departments or agencies, federal courts, or state and local government in its response to a petition."
Then it does a pretty nifty pivot:
So we'll leave it to others to comment on Mr. Bieber’s case, but we’re glad you care about immigration issues. Because our current system is broken. Too many employers game the system by hiring undocumented workers, and 11 million people are living in the shadows.
That status quo isn’t good for our economy or our country. We need common-sense immigration reform to make sure everyone plays by the same set of rules.
Yes, we know, our earlier piece today took issue with answering a question that wasn't asked -- you don't like it, send a petition to the White House.
We just like how the White House reply weaves Bieber Facts into its argument for immigration reform -- reform would shrink the budget deficit by a trillion dollars over 20 years, equal to "12.5 billion concert tickets -- or 100 billion copies of Mr. Bieber’s debut album."
Somebody enjoys their job a little too much.
picked him up, carried him, holding him by the neck, took him down to her classroom and forcibly made him apologize to her,” said Latasha Darrisaw, the boy’s mother. “Her remarks to him were, ‘I’ve got my eighth-grade boys on you; you’re not so tough now.”
After a yearlong investigation, the St. Lucie school board voted to fire Dehart last week; so far, we haven't seen anyone blaming Common Core for this, but give them time. The other delightful part of this story is just how many other results you get if you search "teacher bullies student." No, please don't, you want to have a nice weekend.
Leaving aside the cheesy simulated graphics, we may quickly be reaching market saturation, a tipping point where it will be news when a Republican candidate releases an ad that does not feature something being shot.
The prostitute, a buxom brunette who charges up to $500 an hour, said her escort service generally rents an Airbnb apartment in the Financial District or Midtown West for up to a week at a time — then cycles numerous hookers through the place for trysts around-the-clock.
The agency flies under the radar by having its workers secure the apartments through their own Airbnb profiles, then has them pay the rent with prepaid debit cards. The apartments usually cost between $200 and $400 a day.
“[They] probably save $200 to $300 a night by not getting a hotel,” the sex worker said. “It’s really good for business.”
See? The free market finds a way! We weren't even sure whether to include that story, honestly, since so far, no politicians have been caught doing sex with a prostitute in an AirBnB rental. But give it time, give it time.
Update/clarification: OK, looks like we got this wrong, or partly wrong depending on how high that infrastructure surcharge ends up being. As zippy_w_pinhead explains in a detailed comment, there's a legitimate case to be made for charging home solar users for costs of being connected to the grid. The amount of that charge is what would make it either reasonable or a burdensome disincentive; unfortunately, the article we cite doesn't say what the actual surcharge would be. Thanks to zippy for the clarification!
So if we're reading this thing correctly, we're pretty sure that, whatever the author's intentions, it's a strong argument for adopting several elements of European-style social welfare programs, if only to keep the rich happy. We could live with that.
Best. Fake. Equivalence. Ever. And just to seal the deal, writer Javier Manjarres clarifies that
Back in the 1900's when the Confederate flag proudly flew throughout the southern United States, it wasn't displayed to call attention the slavery of blacks that was occurring, but to represent those southern states.
There is a very big difference here between the Confederate flag and those flags from the Black Panther Party, Nation of Islam, and the KKK, which all convey outright hatred.
Yes. He doesn't even get the right century for the Civil War. Which wasn't about hatred, or slavery. Also, too, we suppose we should mention that while the Nation of Islam has a flag, the Black Panther Party had only a logo, not an official flag (yes, yes, you can buy "black panther flags" online -- in about ten different designs).
* OK, there was the U.S.-Mexico war of 1846. But as you know, we started that one.
And that's all the Derp we have for you this week. There's actually a lot more, but sometimes, a guy just gets tired of shoveling.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.