Whaaaat? Devin Nunes Obstructing The Russia Investigation Again? THE FUCK YOU SAY!
Did you know the Russia investigation is still a thing? America sort of took a break from it (Robert Mueller didn't), so we could focus on being horrified that Donald Trump has been ripping babies out of mommies' arms with such glee you'd think the babies were Big Macs. But here are a couple stories you might have missed in the past couple of days, and they both involve Devin Nunes obstructing justice, because that's the only thing he's good at. (OK, fine, we may have heard a rumor that he is also good at fucking cows, but that is just a rumor, so you guys need to stop being such Gossiping Gwendolyns!)
The first is that the FBI has caved and handed Nunes and Rep. Trey Gowdy all kinds of documents on the Russia investigation, because Nunes and Gowdy need them for "oversight" purposes. (For Nunes, "oversight" should always be read as "leaking to Fox News in order to run interference for Donald Trump.") We haven't covered every single twist and turn of this fight, because it's mostly been Nunes saying "GIVE ME OUR NATION'S DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS" and the DOJ saying "fuck off" and Nunes saying "INPEACH! INPEACH! INPEACH!" Rinse, repeat, and so forth.
Files are now being delivered to the House Intelligence, Judiciary and Oversight committees, about why the Trump-Russia investigation was started, why FBI/DOJ got FISA warrants on actual Russian intelligence asset Carter Page, and how FBI/DOJ used an informant to brush up against the Trump campaign and find out what kind of Russian fuckery was going on there.
We're very certain now that Devin Nunes has gotten all these documents he will shut the fuck up and go bang cows, LOL just kidding, he will obstruct justice FOREVER!
The second story also involves Devin Nunes and document production, but in a Reverse Cowgirl kind of way, because while Nunes just looooooooves to receive documents, he's apparently not much of a giver. Rep. Eric Swalwell, a Democratic member of the intel committee, has some stories to tell about how Trump idiots Roger Stone and Michael Caputo literally lied to the committee's faces (just like Erik Prince did) about their Russian contacts, completely "forgetting" about that time a guy named "Henry Greenberg," who wore a MAGA hat and had a "viscous Russian accent," offered them dirty Hillary Clinton dirt for the low, low price of two million dollars:
Swalwell focused on recent revelations that, at Caputo's instigation, Stone met during the 2016 campaign in Florida with a Russian immigrant and sometime FBI informant named Henry Greenberg who offered "dirt" on Hillary Clinton. [...]
"And so to say that there was 'failure of memory' by both individuals to recall this meeting, I just don't buy it," Swalwell told Yahoo News' chief investigative correspondent Michael Isikoff and editor in chief Daniel Klaidman.
"I think they just lied through their teeth to protect the fact that they were willing and eager to take a meeting with Russians who were offering dirt," he added.
Devin Nunes is part of this because Swalwell says he and Adam Schiff have been wanting to send Robert Mueller the transcripts of all the lies Stone and Caputo told the committee behind closed doors, but Nunes won't let them:
"The Nunes team has refused to cooperate with us on that and at least send [the transcripts] over to Mueller," he added. "And so yes, I do believe that both Caputo and Stone, that special counsel should be able to look at that for perjury."
AND ERIK PRINCE TOO. Good lord, the sheer number of Trump people who have probably perjured themselves in front of Congress, why it'd probably blow Devin Nunes's Love Cow right off her feet if she ever found out about it. (ALLEGEDLY! Like we said, we have no idea if he has a Love Cow, and if he does, we don't know if she is prone to mooing angrily about people perjuring themselves in front of Congress.)
Caputo and Stone have "amended" the lies they told the committee, because apparently Robert Mueller asked Caputo a few things about his Russian contacts, which musta led him to suddenly "remember" that one time a swarthy Russian knocked on his door selling
Pampered Chef Hillary Clinton dirt. The good news is that we're fairly certain that no matter how many lies these and other Trump motherfuckers have told Congress, Robert Mueller already knows ALL THE TRUTH.
On that note, did y'all hear the funny thing Sen. Mark Warner, Democratic vice chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee, got caught saying at a Democratic retreat at Martha's Vineyard this weekend?
"If you get me one more glass of wine, I'll tell you stuff only Bob Mueller and I know," Warner joked to party-goers. "If you think you've seen wild stuff so far, buckle up. It's going to be a wild couple of months."
Breitbart is SO EFFING MAD about that quote, but that's OK because it's making us LOL so loudly that we can't even hear Breitbart bitching.
Who's ready for a wild couple of months? WE ARE!
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