Did you know the Russia investigation is still a thing? America sort of took a break from it (Robert Mueller didn't), so we could focus on being horrified that Donald Trump has been ripping babies out of mommies' arms with such glee you'd think the babies were Big Macs. But here are a couple stories you might have missed in the past couple of days, and they both involve Devin Nunes obstructing justice, because that's the only thing he's good at. (OK, fine, we may have heard a rumor that he is also good at fucking cows, but that is just a rumor, so you guys need to stop being such Gossiping Gwendolyns!)

The first is that the FBI has caved and handed Nunes and Rep. Trey Gowdy all kinds of documents on the Russia investigation, because Nunes and Gowdy need them for "oversight" purposes. (For Nunes, "oversight" should always be read as "leaking to Fox News in order to run interference for Donald Trump.") We haven't covered every single twist and turn of this fight, because it's mostly been Nunes saying "GIVE ME OUR NATION'S DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS" and the DOJ saying "fuck off" and Nunes saying "INPEACH! INPEACH! INPEACH!" Rinse, repeat, and so forth.

Files are now being delivered to the House Intelligence, Judiciary and Oversight committees, about why the Trump-Russia investigation was started, why FBI/DOJ got FISA warrants on actual Russian intelligence asset Carter Page, and how FBI/DOJ used an informant to brush up against the Trump campaign and find out what kind of Russian fuckery was going on there.

We're very certain now that Devin Nunes has gotten all these documents he will shut the fuck up and go bang cows, LOL just kidding, he will obstruct justice FOREVER!

The second story also involves Devin Nunes and document production, but in a Reverse Cowgirl kind of way, because while Nunes just looooooooves to receive documents, he's apparently not much of a giver. Rep. Eric Swalwell, a Democratic member of the intel committee, has some stories to tell about how Trump idiots Roger Stone and Michael Caputo literally lied to the committee's faces (just like Erik Prince did) about their Russian contacts, completely "forgetting" about that time a guy named "Henry Greenberg," who wore a MAGA hat and had a "viscous Russian accent," offered them dirty Hillary Clinton dirt for the low, low price of two million dollars:

Swalwell focused on recent revelations that, at Caputo's instigation, Stone met during the 2016 campaign in Florida with a Russian immigrant and sometime FBI informant named Henry Greenberg who offered "dirt" on Hillary Clinton. [...]

"And so to say that there was 'failure of memory' by both individuals to recall this meeting, I just don't buy it," Swalwell told Yahoo News' chief investigative correspondent Michael Isikoff and editor in chief Daniel Klaidman.

"I think they just lied through their teeth to protect the fact that they were willing and eager to take a meeting with Russians who were offering dirt," he added.

Devin Nunes is part of this because Swalwell says he and Adam Schiff have been wanting to send Robert Mueller the transcripts of all the lies Stone and Caputo told the committee behind closed doors, but Nunes won't let them:

"The Nunes team has refused to cooperate with us on that and at least send [the transcripts] over to Mueller," he added. "And so yes, I do believe that both Caputo and Stone, that special counsel should be able to look at that for perjury."

AND ERIK PRINCE TOO. Good lord, the sheer number of Trump people who have probably perjured themselves in front of Congress, why it'd probably blow Devin Nunes's Love Cow right off her feet if she ever found out about it. (ALLEGEDLY! Like we said, we have no idea if he has a Love Cow, and if he does, we don't know if she is prone to mooing angrily about people perjuring themselves in front of Congress.)

Caputo and Stone have "amended" the lies they told the committee, because apparently Robert Mueller asked Caputo a few things about his Russian contacts, which musta led him to suddenly "remember" that one time a swarthy Russian knocked on his door selling Pampered Chef Hillary Clinton dirt. The good news is that we're fairly certain that no matter how many lies these and other Trump motherfuckers have told Congress, Robert Mueller already knows ALL THE TRUTH.

On that note, did y'all hear the funny thing Sen. Mark Warner, Democratic vice chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee, got caught saying at a Democratic retreat at Martha's Vineyard this weekend?

"If you get me one more glass of wine, I'll tell you stuff only Bob Mueller and I know," Warner joked to party-goers. "If you think you've seen wild stuff so far, buckle up. It's going to be a wild couple of months."

Breitbart is SO EFFING MAD about that quote, but that's OK because it's making us LOL so loudly that we can't even hear Breitbart bitching.

Who's ready for a wild couple of months? WE ARE!

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OOH BOY HOWDY, The Federalist is on fire this week! Just this morning we told you about the hilarious Federalist column where one neo-Nazi's mom and dad are Democrats, ipso facto QED NEO-NAZIS ARE THE REAL LIBERALS, FUCKERS! Is America's dumbest woman whose name doesn't rhyme with Cara Snailin' over there being a total fuckin' Mollie Hemingway right now? Sadly, she blocked us on Twitter, so how could we possibly know? The answer is WE DON'T CARE.

But now we have a gem of the Federalist genre, an article written by a whiny-ass gay quisling conservative, who would like to chew on his blankie and whine about how much harder it is out there for a conservative than it is for a gay person. This is a subject we happen to have some knowledge about, because we are super gay! And we know a lot about conservatives, both firsthand -- being subjected to them every single one of our almost four decades of life -- and also from covering extremist right-wing Christians for a very long time. Particularly the kind that tell young, impressionable, vulnerable gay kids that they need to pray away the gay if they want Jesus to exercise some self control and refrain from sending them to a fiery hell for all eternity.

We clicked on the article with high hopes. See if you can spot why:

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pic via Glamour Shots, we mean this dude's old website

The House Education and Workforce Committee was all set to have a hearing today all about the horrors that a higher minimum wage would wreak on the economy. Horrors like rich people being slightly less rich. Horrors like business owners claiming they will have to fire people and charge $15 for a McChicken if forced to pay workers a living wage, which they won't actually do because no one will buy a $15 McChicken and they would go out of business if they tried that, and they already don't hire more people than the bare minimum they can get away with. Horrors like poor people not being "motivated" to work harder and get better jobs that do not pay them an amount no human being could possibly live on.

Alas, as Politico reports, it was not to be, as committee members discovered their big witness for the hearing, San Diego State University economist Joseph Sabia (pictured above in a Glamour Shot from his archived website), was kind of a wacko.

Sabia, as it turns out, once had a blog called "No Shades Of Gray," in which he wrote many columns of an extremely homophobic and sexist persuasion. In one of these columns, in 2002, Sabia was very mad about one man's lawsuit against several fast food giants for contributing to his health and obesity problems by failing to disclose the nutritional information of the food they sold. In retrospect, I think most people are now on board with these chains being required to post calorie counts and other nutritional information, but in 2002, Sabia was convinced that requiring them to do this would be an assault on freedom for all Americans everywhere. His response to this was to try and attempt a Jonathan Swift posture and suggest taxing gay sex, which he claimed leads to "disastrous health consequences."

Because sure, that's the same thing, basically.

In gay sex, we have an activity that is clearly leading to disastrous health consequences. What rational person would engage in this sort of activity? There is only one solution - let's tax it.

"Come on, Sabia," you say, "how are you going to enforce these taxes? Are you going to send government officials to peep into everyone's bedroom?"

Eventually. But first we have to mount the assault on Big Gay (no, I am not talking about Rosie O'Donnell). We can tax gay nightclubs, websites, personal ads, sexual paraphernalia, and so forth. Talk about a sin tax!!! We can cripple gay-related industries and get them right where we want them. All gay clubs will have to feature huge, flashing warning signs like "CAUTION: Entering this nightclub may increase your chance of contracting STDs and dying."

Big Gay clearly lures people into trying their "product" without discussing the risks to mind, body, and soul. The average Joe on the street does not understand all of the possible bad outcomes. I can almost hear him now:

"They said '100 percent hotties.' I thought that meant it was fun. I thought gay sex was OK…Now I have all these diseases. Big Gay has wrecked my life."

In the immoral words of Warren G, "Regulators!! Mount up!"


In another 2002 article, classily titled "College Girls: Unpaid Whores," Sabia laments that feminists have led college girls to stop trying to be like the Holy Virgin Mary and instead to aspire to be more like that hussy Ally McBeal.

No, really.

As women have strayed from the church, they have replaced what is holy with what is temporally pleasing. For Catholics, the model woman is Mary, the virgin Mother of God. She is beloved by the faithful for her unflappable devotion to and trust in God, her nurturing of the Son of Man, and her deep love for all humanity.

Today's college girl looks to Ally McBeal, the trollops of Sex in the City, and the floozies on Friends to set their moral compasses.

The sad truth is that college girls are so desperate to find love that they are willing to degrade themselves to get it. But true love can only be understood in the context of the Word of God. Any other notion of "love" is secular and, by definition, limited and finite.

Not only that, but instead of going to college to find a husband, they have boyfriends. Boyfriends they have S-E-X with. And sometimes, not even that. Sometimes they have sex with people just because they want to have sex with people, and not even in exchange for Valentine's Day cards or money!

Additionally, other sex-based relationships have become commonplace. In recent years, a new and disturbing arrangement known as "friends with benefits" has emerged. In this arrangement, men are not even forced to perform the normal duties of boyfriends, i.e. flowers, Valentine's Day cards, rides to the abortion clinic, etc. Instead, girls consider these guys "just friends" whom they happen to screw every now and again. No strings, no attachments, no dinners. Just sex when they feel like it.

This type of arrangement is the next logical step in the direction that young women have drifted in the last few decades. These women have become unpaid whores. At least prostitutes made a buck off of their trade. These women just give it away.

How cute! He was like the ur-incel, basically.

Anyway, following the discovery of the posts, the House Education and Workforce Committee's GOP communications director Kelley McNabb told Politico that "members were uncomfortable moving forward on the hearing." A more optimistic person might think this was a step forward, that maybe those committee members actually thought it was bad to suggest that being gay means being a disease-ridden monster or that college girls are whores, but it's probably more to avoid embarrassment than anything else. Guess they'll have to start from scratch and find a crappy economist who will tell them what they want to hear about the minimum wage but who doesn't have an embarrassing Geocities blog in their past. Good luck with that!


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