Devin Nunes Breaks Land Speed Record For Blowing Wad All Over Fox News (ALLEGEDLY!)
This was supposed to be a totally nice follow-up to our last post, which was about how unkempt douchesticks in the House of Representatives are fucking with the Robert Mueller investigation by sending a letter saying they want ERRBODY else prosecuted, especially Hillary Clinton and James Comey. This post was supposed to be about the saga that led to Comey's memos being released to Congress, specifically Devin Nunes, Trey Gowdy and Bob Goodlatte, in their capacities as committee chairs, so they (Fucking Devin) could use them to undermine the Mueller investigation in a different way. And it would have been a perfectly lovely post if somebody (Fucking Devin, ALLEGEDLY) hadn't leaked the Comey memos to Fox News within 30 minutes of receiving them. So here we are! Rewriting a post! LET'S LOOK AT SOME MOTHERFUCKING MEMOS.
The leak of these memos is JUST GODDAMN GREAT. For one thing, they serve to show Donald Trump and other Mueller probe witnesses exactly what evidence Mueller got from Comey in his obstruction of justice probe into Trump. Isn't that handy for them? Isn't it awesome for them to be able to have a sneak preview of the evidence?
Here is an example of a Fox News reporter tweeting about the special surprise memos in Devin Nunes's panties, 30 minutes after Congress got them:
In memo from 1/7/17 sent to CapHill, Comey says Trump asked him if he “hoped I planned to stay on. I assures him I intended to stay. He said good.”
— Chad Pergram (@ChadPergram) April 20, 2018
Another fun thing about these memos is that Fucking Devin obviously didn't READ THEM BEFOREHAND, because despite how hard sister-fucking Republicans on Twitter are trying to hype them and say they are proof that #COMEYISRIGGED against Trump, they actually make Comey look pretty damn good, as he diligently documented all his interactions with a criminal, un-American president.
OK, let's get down to business! The memos are on DocumentCloud, which is just a normal place for evidence in an ONGOING CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION to be, so if you'd like to follow along, click that and read with us!
The first memo is Comey's account of his intelligence briefing with Trump in early January of 2017, when he was president-elect. This memo has been widely reported, but it's basically about how Comey was like "Hey, dude. Pee hookers!" and Trump was like "No pee hookers! You hear about all the ladies who say I got up on them in the club?" and Comey was like "Pee hookers!" It is a very good memo.
On January 28, 2017, Comey and Trump had dinner, and Trump demanded his loyalty multiple times. But they also talked about other stuff too:
Barron tall! White House luxurious! Inauguration YOOGE! Jesus Christ, Donald Trump, shut the fuck up. During that dinner Comey says he and Trump also talked a lot about the Hillary Clinton email investigation, and that when Comey told him that all the FBI investigators agreed there was no case against her, Trump disagreed, because obviously he knows more than the experts at the FBI.
At about this point, he turned to what he called the "golden showers" thing ...
NOT AT THE DINNER TABLE, MISTER PRESIDENT!
During the dinner, Trump also told Comey that Michael Flynn, that silly dumbfuck foreign agent, has "serious judgment issues," but he didn't mean like, "Can you believe that guy just totally fucking lied to the FBI and did conspiracies with Russia? Like LOL DOY DOY DOY!" He was really mad because Flynn didn't tell him his first phone call from a foreign leader after the inauguration was Vladimir Putin, because like OMG how did he miss Putin's call? That part is redacted, but LEEEEEEEEEEEAK, the media is totally talking about it. Anyway, it was a very good dinner.
Things get really good with the memo from February 8, 2017, when Comey met with Trump's first chief of staff, Reince Priebus. After some idle chit-chat about leaks and golden showers (seriously) Priebus asked if their conversation was "private." Comey was like "sure why not." At that point, Priebus decided it would be OK to ask Comey whether there was a FISA warrant out on then-national security adviser Michael Flynn, who is a literal actual foreign agent of another handful of countries. After some more yapping about Hillary's emails, and whether Andrew McCabe hates Trump so much (Comey and Trump talked about that in their first dinner too), Priebus took Trump to the Oval Office, so he and Trump could talk about golden showers some more. This passage is just awesome:
No golden showers! You are the golden showers! Tell Melania I am not the golden showers, because she wonders sometimes if I am the golden showers! Putin told me Russian hookers are hot as balls, but I wouldn't know anything about that! Comey also addressed this in his interview with Rachel Maddow on Thursday night:
“He told you he’d had a personal conversation with president Putin about hookers?” Maddow asked.
“Yes,” Comey responded, without hesitation.
As one does!
Comey's memo about the Valentine's Day Oval Office meeting with Trump, where the president directly obstructed justice by trying to get the FBI to stop investigating Michael Flynn, is interesting, because Comey details how insistent Trump was that everybody else get out of the room. This was a big meeting, with the CIA director and the chief of staff and Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner, and when it was over, Trump was literally ushering people out, saying "I want to meet with Jim." Attorney General Grundlesnatch McAWSHUCKS tried to stay around, but Trump was like "I want to meet with Jim." Jared Kushner was like "Hi, I am Jared and I am in charge of Middle East and Opioids!" and Trump was like "I want to meet with Jim." Is this appropriate? Fuck no!
Once they were alone, Trump committed the crime, because Flynn is such a GOOD GUY, even if he is a literal actual foreign agent who lies to the FBI. Apparently Donald Trump has thoughts about this today, as well:
Also in that meeting, Trump expressed his desire to jail reporters, because that's a totally American thing to do.
Finally, we learn more about a phone conversation Trump had with Comey on March 30, 2017. (This is the same call recounted in Dana Boente's notes, which we learned about recently.) Trump said he needed Comey to lift the "cloud" of the Russia investigation, because Trump would have won Obamacare repeal if it hadn't been for the "cloud" (or his incompetence), and reiterated that he doesn't need hookers. He also said he was suing Christopher Steele, the spy whose work became THE DOSSIER, so hey look, there's another idle threat from President BabyHands!
And that is basically it, except for the parts we skipped because they rehashed old stuff or weren't that interesting! As we said above, the memos really don't do what Devin Nunes seems to think they do, but that won't stop the rage monkeys on Fox from screaming incoherently about all the allegedly bad things contained in the memos.
We're worried about how this shows Trump exactly what kind of obstruction of justice evidence Mueller has on him, but at the end of the day, we think the public release of these memos will be about as effective as the GOP's other ongoing efforts to discredit Comey, which now somehow involve ... a furry. NO FOR REAL, A FURRY:
Shadowing Comey: @CNN has learned the Republican campaign to discredit the former FBI director is now turning to lions, including this fury costumed creature who will be tailing Comey on his upcoming book tour. This gives new meaning to the role of tracker.... pic.twitter.com/Jgks4gtOUD
— Jeff Zeleny (@jeffzeleny) April 19, 2018
Good job, RNC! GOOD JOB!
The only other thought we have on these memos is that we're just shocked Fucking Devin was able to pull out of his favorite dairy cow (allegedly!) long enough to (allegedly!) leak them to Fox News.
We thought Thursday nights were special nights, between Fucking Devin and his favorite dairy cow. Allegedly.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.