Time for a milkin'!

Devin Nunes is clearly just letting the cows write his memos now. But many slow claps for The Hill, which happily got down on the floor to roll around in this fresh pile of manure. Excellent journalism, John Solomon!

Devin! You know what happened to the little rentboy who cried wolf, don't you? He went down in a ball of Ethics Investigation fire before being carted off to jail for leaking and abuse of office after Democrats took back the House in a giant blue tsunami! Or maybe we are mixing up our fables. Whatever.

Remember how Nunes released that Gotcha Memo last month saying that the whole Russia investigation was tainted because the warrant on poor, innocent Carter Page was based on THE DODGY DOSSIER? Except Carter Page is really the dumbest fucking Russian asset ever, there was plenty of reason to credit Christopher Steele's allegations, and the investigation actually started months earlier with George "Coffee Boy" Papadopoulos?

Well Devin Nunes, Cow Detective, is nothing if not dogged. So he dispatched the calves to dig up dirt on Alexander Downer, the guy who happened to be in that London bar when Papa Dop got drunk off his ass and started blabbing about the Russians hacking Hillary's emails and releasing them to help Trump's campaign.

But it's haaaaard to find shit about the former conservative Foreign Minister of Australia. They did catch a lucky break, though, since the conservative party in the Land of Oz is called the Liberal Party -- probably something to do with the water in the toilet swirling counter-clockwise in the southern hemisphere. Pair that "Liberal Party" with a 10-year-old government grant to the Clinton Foundation, and Devin was back in business! Fruit of the Poison Tree, BAYBEEEE!

We shit you not! Devin Nunes is pointing to a 2006 donation by the Australian government to the Clinton Health Access Initiative to get HIV tests and medication to patients in Papua New Guinea, Vietnam, China and Indonesia as proof that Downer was BIASSSS, so his tip about Papadopoulos was not credible. See, that means that the FBI misled the FISA Court, the Russians never hacked the DNC, the Trump campaign never coordinated with Wikileaks, and the Mueller investigation is corrupt and must be disbanded. GET IT?

Well, of course you don't get it! It's complete nonsense! You have to huff a lot of glue before this shit starts to make sense. That's where The Hill, and its reporter John Solomon (formerly of the Moonie Washington Times, and who is either uniquely credulous or uniquely lie-y), comes in.

Shake your moneymaker, John Solomon!

Republicans say they are concerned the new information means nearly all of the early evidence the FBI used to justify its election-year probe of Trump came from sources supportive of the Clintons, including the controversial Steele dossier.

Careful not to spill any of that water you're carrying, dude!

“The Clintons’ tentacles go everywhere. So, that’s why it’s important,” said Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) chairman of a House Oversight and Government Reform subcommittee that has been taking an increasingly visible role defending the Trump administration in the Russia probe. “We continue to get new information every week it seems that sort of underscores the fact that the FBI hasn’t been square with us.”

Tentacles? Really? You stay classy, Jim Jordan! But we can't help noticing that Papadopoulos said in May 2016 that the Russians had stolen Democratic emails, which they did. And that the Russians would time the release to help Trump, which they did. And that Downer, the Australian High Commissioner to the United Kingdom, has a whole lot more credibility than some Animal Husband from East Cowpat who walks around with a permanent hard-on for the president. (That's you, DEVIN!)

Look for this shit to get heavy play on the Hannity/Infowars circuit. They gotta beat back this Nunberg story with something, right?

Hey, CA-22! DO BETTER!

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[The Hill]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Yesterday afternoon, 45-year-old Gary Martin of Aurora, Illinois was let go from his job at the Henry Pratt Company, a factory that manufactures water valves. In response, he took out a pistol with a laser scope and began shooting at random. He killed five people and injured six others who were just trying to make it through the day at the water valve factory, and then the police killed him.

His mother said he was "stressed out." He "seemed fine" according to the clerk at the Circle K where he bought his cigars that morning. His neighbor thought he was a nice guy. Some people were surprised, others were not.

This kind of thing used to be shocking, but it's a story we're used to now. It gets repeated at least once a month. It's just what happens now, and we can't do anything about it because we can't do anything about gun control. This is, the Right has decided, just the price we all have to pay so they can stockpile guns for funsies, and take sexy pictures of guns shoved in their pants. This is the blood that waters their special tree of liberty.

It's fucking exhausting. And stupid. We shouldn't have to live this way. No one should have to live this way. But we do. Why? Because some day some yahoos might want to overthrow the government, which is (of course) a completely legal thing to do, and their "right" to do that must be protected. So it's literally just never, ever going to stop.

Gary Martin, like most other mass shooters, also had a history of violence against women. In 1994, in Mississippi, he was convicted for stabbing one. He should not have been able to get a gun after that. I would like to know how and why he was able to get that pistol with the laser scope that he killed five people with yesterday afternoon. Maybe someone gave it to him. Maybe he bought it somehow. Maybe someone forgot to do a background check. Maybe he bought it from someone who didn't have to do a background check.

I am so goddamned tired of writing this article. I am out of things to say.


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That's right, Wonkers, while we're all up here in America dealing with the terribleness, your Editrix and her fambly are in MEXICO AT THE BEACH, where they will probably stay for a little while longer or maybe they're never coming back SHRUGGIE EMOTICON. But that's OK, they deserve some time to be AT THE BEACH in MEXICO, oh no, don't get NATIONAL EMERGY CARAVANNED!

Yeah, so it's time to count down your top ten stories of the week, like we do on Saturday mornings. Shall we? WE SHALL.

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