What's Devin Nunes Mooing About Today? The 'MUELLER DOSSIER'!

Three of the hackiest, stupidest people in all of American public life were all on the same TV screen last night.

Add in Glenn Greenwald, Michael Tracey, Diamond and Silk, and you'd have ... seven of the hackiest, stupidest people in all of American public life!

Anyway, Devin Nunes is SO MAD ABOUT THE DOSSIER, as he explained to Trump butt fluffer Sean Hannity last night. But it's not the dossier he's usually mad about, the one Hillary Clinton concocted late one night after a quick round of Benghazi-ing (it's like yoga but with more MURDERRRRRR), which was compiled by former MI6 spy Christopher Steele, one of the foremost Russia experts on the globe. He's mad now about the MUELLER DOSSIER, which is funny, because we thought it totally exonerated Donald Trump. That's what they've been saying, right?

DEVIN THE COW WHISPERER: I think people should be LEERY about receiving what I call the MUELLER DOSSIER. Partisans wrote this document. What I'm interested in is not just to receive the MUELLER DOSSIER. I want all the information that fed into this, because I'm sure -- just like everything else we've dealt with over the last two years -- there's gonna be a lot of FAKE INNUENDO in the MUELLER DOSSIER.

(All caps added so it reads like the Breitbart comment it was meant to be.)

Anyway, when he says"partisans," what he means is "career professionals." And when he says MUELLER DOSSIER, he means to MAKE 80-YEAR-OLD HALF-SENILE FOX NEWS VIEWERS SHIT THEIR PANTS IN ANGER AND CONFUSION AND ALSO BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THEY USUALLY SHIT. It is literally the only thing messaging strategy (and Trump) have left.

While Trump and a lot of Republicans did a half-ass job of pretending they wanted transparency for the Mueller report for like a week, until the media really started to grasp the truth about the cover-up Bill Barr was performing in service of his Dear Leader, you could tell braindead shitholes like Nunes never really quite got their game faces on.

Nunes also said on Fox News the other day -- with a straight fucking face -- that the Democrats only want the Mueller report so they can "leak it to all their buddies in the media," which is hilarious because we are old enough to remember when Devin Nunes was chairman of the House Intelligence Committee and was running around Washington smelling of cow romance (allegedly), begging the DoJ to RELEASE THE MEMO that his own office wrote, and demanding documents from DoJ related to ongoing investigations, which would somehow as if by magicend up in Sean Hannity's mouth within literal minutes.

(For an exhaustive and lovely list of all the things Devin Nunes has done to obstruct justice for Vladimir Putin's Russia and its [probable] intelligence asset Donald Trump, check out his file at the Moscow Project at the Center For American Progress.)

And of course, one of Nunes's first responses was to try to shame Adam Schiff into resigning as the chair of the Intel Committee (that worked out well for the Republicans, didn't it?), and to announce he was sending criminal referrals to the FBI, to make the FBI lock itself up in jail for doing COLLUSION WITCH HOAX to sweet and innocent Donald Trump. Of course, he hasn't actually followed through on that yet, but Nunes now says he might be sending TWO DOZEN criminal referrals to DoJ, which we're sure they'll get right on, that's right, Devin, MOOOOOOOOO. Of course, he still hasn't said who those TWO DOZEN people might be, so we'll just re-up our prediction from the last time we wrote about Nunes's very serious criminal referrals to DoJ, which we're sure they'll get right on, that's right, Devin, MOOOOOOOOO:

Hillary Clinton, James Comey, Peter Strzok, James Clapper, John Brennan, John Lennon, James Taylor, Peter Paul And Mary, Andrew McCabe, Bruce Ohr, Bruce Vilanch, Lisa Page, Lisa Turtle, Jessie Spano, Kelly Kapowski, Cow #1, Cow #2, Cows Gone Wild, Cows In Space, The Cow Of Christmas Past, The Cow Who Came In From The Cold, and British spy Christopher Steele.

Remarkably, that is EXACTLY two dozen people. Is Wonkette MISS CLEO? Call us now, if so!

Anyway, Devin Nunes is a piece of shit again, the end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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