Devin Nunes Keeps F*cking That Turkey

Well! Devin Devin Devin!

We've been learning so much the past few days about how Fucking Devin Nunes is still the same guy who drop-kicked his athletic spy body out of a late-night Uber in the early days of the Russia investigation so he could speedily Prancercise to the White House to get secret information from the White House (about alleged spying and unmasking and "wire tapps" committed against the Trump campaign by Obama People) that he could then give to the White House what he had just learned from the White House.

In short, he's playing a very similar game in the Ukraine scandal that he played in the Russia scandal. Allegedly.

While Nunes was reading Russian propaganda during the House Intelligence Committee's impeachment hearings, it turns out he was also a person who spent YOUR TAXPAYER money last December to go to Vienna to get fake dirt on Joe Biden from insanely corrupt former Ukrainian prosecutor general Viktor Shokin, at least according to indicted Chucklefuck Lev Parnas, who apparently has quite a lot to share with Congress or the Southern District of New York or the Arby's drive-thru guy or, you know, whomever. Shokin, you'll remember, is the person whose firing Joe Biden AND ALL THE REST OF THE WESTERN WORLD demanded, because of how he was so motherfuckingly corrupt. Shokin, as you'd imagine, is being a total Sourpuss Samuel about the whole thing, and obviously has an ax to grind, so he's more than willing to make up stories for Trump and Fucking Devin about how he's not the real corruption, Joe Biden is the real corruption.

According to Parnas's lawyer Joseph Bondy, Devinnnnnn did that particular Vienna trip in December so he wouldn't have to tell mean Adam Schiff about it, as Congress was in recess at the time.

All of this is so very #Devin.

Now, CNBC breaks news that this hasn't been Devin's only promenade with this particular (proverbial!) turkey, if the dirt Parnas is sharing through Bondy is to be believed. Reportedly, Devin was also going to go to Ukraine earlier this year, you know, to meet with some more corrupt people in order to get fake news lies about the Bidens for Trump, but he couldn't go because despite all the MENSA-level planning for the trip he did, we guess he just forgot that he'd have to report this particular trip to Schiff.

Never fear though! All these people have internet:

[W]hen Nunes' staff realized that going to Ukraine themselves would mean alerting Schiff to their plans, they instead asked Parnas to set up the meetings for them over phone and Skype, which he did, according to Bondy. [...]

One of the meetings was with Ukraine's chief anti-corruption prosecutor, Nazar Kholodnytsky, and it was held over Skype, Parnas would tell Congress, according to Bondy. The second was a phone call Parnas arranged for Harvey with a deputy in Ukraine's Prosecutor General's office, Konstantin Kulik, Bondy added.

CNBC, to be clear, is not reporting that Fucking Devin himself was having unprotected Skypes with the Ukrainians. That was Derek Harvey, Devin's goon.

Anyway, the reporting says that those Ukrainian idiots, Kholodnytsky and Kulik, swear on the Bible that they know all about the Russian propaganda that says DEMOCRATS and UKRAINE are the REAL COLLUSION, because they SEEN IT WITH THEIR OWN TWO EYES. Of course, CNBC adds, "Neither official has produced evidence to support his account." Of course.

Devin Nunes has been acting completely innocent about all this, and by "innocent," we mean he is having the same reaction as somebody who got caught with their dick in their hand inside a Ukrainian cookie jar.

He just can't talk about it, though, because "media" is "so bad" and maybe even doing "criminal," which totally sounds legit. Therefore Devinnnnn says he is SUING, even though he is (he said this) "the last guy who wants to go into the courts." But this time he's not suing imaginary cows who Mean Girls him and pull his hair during pasture time, we think he's saying he is suing CNN and the Daily Beast for doing reporting on him. Devinnnnn considers all this reporting to be Besmirch Statements, and he has said that all these allegations are "demonstrably false."

We are still, of course, waiting to see the "demonstrably" part of that. We are sure he will "demonstrably" it very soon!

Devinnnnnnn held the talking stick and shared his feelings with Fox News's Maria Bartiromo this weekend:

Will Devinnnnn win himself an ethics investigation in the House over this? Maaaaaayyyybe!

All of this is just completely on brand and we can't wait for the next giblets to drop, perhaps while we are eating actual giblets later this week.




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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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