Devin Nunes Rides Cow Into Sunset

There is a thing when you write for Wonkette and, we assume, other places also, where you develop people you just really enjoy kicking around. (Lovingly, of course!) The past couple years for this writer, personally, it has been Tucker Carlson. At one point it was the Duggars and the Palins. (Restart your blog, Bristol!) But for a long, magical time in between those eras, it was Devin Nunes, who up until today was a Republican congressman from California, and just one of the biggest fucking dimwits on the planet.

Now he's leaving all of a sudden, because he's dumb enough to think being the head of Donald Trump's media operation is a real job with a real future. Or maybe he knows it's a grift and he's in on the joke. Whatever.

Today was his official last day.

Nunes leaves quite a legacy in the House, especially from back when Republicans were in the majority and he served as the severely underqualified chair of the House Intelligence Committee. That's right, the person about whom it was once said (and not even by us) that "No one is asking him to bring the potato salad to the Mensa picnic" was the chair of the intelligence committee.

We are not sure, but we think we started really keeping tabs on Nunes just after that night in March of 2017, when he ninja kicked his way out of an Uber so he could sprint to the White House to tell the White House what the White House had just told him about how there was PROOF that Barack Obama personally put "wire tapps" inside Donald Trump's bottom. From there we were off to the races.

A few months later, Nunes and/or his minions got this hashtag going about #RELEASETHEMEMO, because Nunes and/or his minions had written a memo that allegedly PROVED the FBI and DOJ were unfairly #BIASSSSSSSS against Donald Trump, because something about "Carter Page FISA warrants." (Remember back when they were fucking that chicken about Carter Page's FISA warrants for one million years? Just kidding, we didn't mean to use past tense there, their dicks were still esconced within that chicken as recently as last year.) Nunes's memo was also going to PROVE that the entire Russia investigation was started because of the Steele Dossier, and not because some idiot named George Papadopoulos had drunk-rubbed himself all over an Australian diplomat and told him about the conspiracies Russia was gonna do in 2016 to ratfuck the election against Hillary Clinton, after which Australia felt the need to mention that to the FBI.

Unfortunately, when the memo came out, it was a complete dud that didn't do anything Donald Trump or Fox News or Devin were hoping it would do. Indeed, it confirmed that the investigation started because of Papadopoulos's verbal jizzings, and not because of the Steele Dossier.

But good try, Devin.

When he wasn't playing errand boy for Donald Trump and Russia, doing whatever he could to distract from the very real investigations into Trump and Russia, he was suing imaginary cows on the internet for hurting his feelings, and suing his own constituents,and Twitter, and the Washington Post, and Rachel Maddow, and, and, and.

OK, on second thought, Devin Nunes doesn't leave much of a legacy from when the Republicans were in control, or afterward.

Once Democrats took the House, Devin just wasn't that fun to kick around anymore. And now, in a House of Representatives where Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert are allowed to wander around as they wish, how can Devin even compete for most stupidest ever? Hell, somebody might even ask him to bring potato salad to something. (No.)

We don't know when we started making every joke about Devin a cow joke, but he's the one who wants us to know of him as a dairy farmer. Maybe it was this post in February of 2018:

We are not saying we know definitively whether or not Devin Nunes The Dairy Farmer might have accidentally made love to an infected British cow and contracted sexually transmitted cow dementia. We are just asking, because we are concerned.

Haha. That post is actually a good summary of all Devin's various Russia fuckeries, especially all the shit he pulled in 2017, the first year of Putin's great big useful idiot living in the White House.

Anyway, within a month, Wonkette was calling him "Devin Nunes, Cow Detective" and making all other manner of cow jokes. We should be clear obviously that we have no inside knowledge of Devin Nunes ever dating a cow or even having to kiss one during a game of spin the bottle, but if any cows have stories, they are always free to tell us them.

Point is, we bet Devin Nunes quitting Congress to take a job running "company" for Donald Trump is a good move and nothing but good will come of it.

Fly high on the back of a cow that has wings, Devin Nunes!


Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter.

Wonkette is funded ENTIRELY by a few thousand people like you. If you're not already, would you pls consider being the few thousandth and one?

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc