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If you were watching the Rachel Maddow television program last evening, you know what this post is about already. Somebody -- a secret liberal! or maybe it was Mitt Romney's bartender -- went to a fundraiser for Washington state's Cathy McMorris Rodgers, who just barely took the top spot in the jungle primary to keep her seat, and Devin Nunes, the congressman who has done more to openly obstruct justice for Donald Trump than anyone else, was there saying words, and OMG.

Did he admit he dates cows? No, silly!

Did he admit he wants to date cows? Ugh not yet.

Did he admit he will probably settle down with a cow at some point, but he just hasn't met the right cow? Maybe.

But he sure did get caught on tape saying lotsa shit about Donald Trump, the Robert Mueller investigation, and the real plan to impeach Rod Rosenstein.


Let's look at what comes out of Devin Nunes's mouth when he thinks nobody is watching! Roll tape!

As we said, Nunes was speaking at a fundraiser for the #4 ranked person in the House of Representatives, Cathy McMorris Rodgers, who is a horrible lying asshole and deserves to lose in November. We don't know why she thought adding Devin Nunes to her fundraiser would make it irresistibly sexxxy, but it's possible most of her GOP constituents in the outside-Spokane part of her district are romantically inclined cows.

(In case you haven't caught on yet, Wonkette's running joke about Devin Nunes is that he probably bones cows, ALLEGEDLY.)

The first revelation is that EVEN DEVIN NUNES hates it sometimes when Donald Trump makes a Twitter in his pants. EVEN DEVIN NUNES. And he's a Trump-sucking loser from the stupidest ring of hell, so that must mean the president of the United States is a real senile Twitter motherfucker if EVEN DEVIN NUNES doesn't always like his tweets.

More importantly, though, Nunes admits that (big hypothetical here) if a foreign government stole somebody's emails (can you imagine?) and if that foreign government shared them with somebody's campaign, that would be very bad and also a crime!

We love how he didn't use Russia as an example, considering how Russia stole emails from the DNC and the Hillary Clinton campaign and the Trump campaign sure seems to have conspired with the Russian cut-outs at WikiLeaks -- and maybe with the Kremlin itself! -- to release those emails in such a way that it would be extremely advantageous for them. DNC emails right before the Democratic National Convention? You bet! Hillary campaign chair John Podesta's emails LITERALLY MINUTES after the "Access Hollywood" tape came out, and also after the US government officially fingered Russia for active election interference? Why the fuck not!

Devin Nunes is just doing hypotheticals, though, about "Cathy" getting emails from "Portugal" and how that would be "criminal."

In our next segment, we learn a bit more about the House GOP and its plan to impeach Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, for the crime of failing to obstruct justice in service of the babbling orange shithole in the Oval Office. Remember how even Paul Ryan was like "yeah bro, we are not doing that"? Well, it turns out that ACCORDING TO FUCKING DEVIN, all his colleagues actually do want to get rid of Rosenstein, but it's just hard because if the House impeaches Rosenstein, then the Senate will immediately have to deal with it, and haven't you heard they're trying to get a piece of shit named Brett Kavanaugh, who has five thousand foreheads and severe daddy issues when it comes to authoritarian presidencies, confirmed for the Supreme Court?

At this point, Cathy McMorris Rodgers chimes in to point out that for real, the Senate would have to drop EVERYTHING, so we guess her dumb ass is on board with this plan, secretly. Hell, according to FUCKING DEVIN, all his GOP colleagues are down with it!

And then Nunes continues:

So what do you want, America? You want Brett Kavanaugh The Ingrown Pube on the court? Well then you'll just have to wait on impeaching Rod Rosenstein for partisan fuckmouth reasons until after the election, OK?

(We are amused by Devin Nunes's belief that the Senate would actually carry out the House's impeachment of Rod Rosenstein. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.)

This last quote really goes to the heart of why Fucking Devin does what he does. Is it for love of America? Hahahahaha, fuck you, that piss stain is basically a foreign agent at this point. Is it to impress cows so they will do on dates with him? LOL only cows who HATE AMERICA. Here is the reason Fucking Devin wakes up in the morning:

"If Sessions won't unrecuse and Mueller won't clear the president, we're the only ones."

He's literally saying that if Jeff Sessions won't abandon the US Constitution and Robert Mueller refuses to pretend the guiltiest president of all time is innocent, "we're the only ones." Who will literally destroy America, if not for Devin Nunes and the rest of the stable geniuses in the House?

And if they lose in November? (WHEN THEY LOSE IN NOVEMBER.)

"All of this goes away."

That sounds to us like Devin Nunes admitting that Donald Trump is a piece of shit, and that if our institutions are allowed to work and if the Democrats take one or both chambers of Congress, his presidency will end.

What a fabulous fundraising pitch, for Democrats!

When the fundraiser was over, Devin Nunes went to third base with so many cows, allegedly, but none of them would let him go all the way, allegedly, because EW GROSS, not allegedly.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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