Put your tongue back in your mouth, jackass.

Oh dear! Devin Nunes, the idiot boy chair of the House Intelligence Committee, is in big trouble mister! It turns out that doing the bidding of Donald Trump and running to the White House in the dead of night to view super secret classified information about fake "wire tapps" put on the president, then (in this order) briefing the public with classified information, pretending to brief the president, and then briefing the public again (while refusing to share the classified info with your own committee), might get you a visit from the House Ethics Committee! And this is happening even though the House is controlled by Republicans!

Nunes has announced that, FOR NOW, he will go ahead and step aside from the Intel committee's Russia investigation, which is not a thing he was actually investigating in the first place, because he is a complicit P.O.S. who should probably be in jail:

His announcement was made on the same morning that the House Committee on Ethics said Mr. Nunes was under investigation because of public reports that he “may have made unauthorized disclosures of classified information.”

The congressman has been under growing criticism for his handling of the Russian inquiry. Many on Capitol Hill have said he is too eager to do the White House’s bidding and cannot be an impartial investigator into questions about any role President Trump’s associates may have had in last year’s Russian campaign to disrupt the election.

Wow! Now again, he says he's only stepping aside temporarily, because obviously this investigation is so important it will eventually once again require the bright mind of the smartest guy from Fresno ever to live, in order that it may be completed properly.

Nunes released a statement that is equal parts bitchy and remarkably stupid, and we will laugh at it right now:

Several leftwing activist groups have filed accusations against me with the Office of Congressional Ethics.


The charges are entirely false and politically motivated, and are being leveled just as the American people are beginning to learn the truth about the improper unmasking of the identities of U.S. citizens and other abuses of power.

Oh honey, that's not what the investigation is about. But how does Donald Trump's anus taste in your mouth right now? Like store brand orange soda and poo?

Despite the baselessness of the charges, I believe it is in the best interests of the House Intelligence Committee and the Congress for me to have Representative Mike Conaway, with assistance from Representatives Trey Gowdy and Tom Rooney, temporarily take charge of the Committee's Russia investigation while the House Ethics Committee looks into this matter.

Oh Christ, Trey Gowdy. He will make this better, for sure.

On the one hand, Gowdy is smart enough that he knows Trump was lying about "wire tapps," but at the same time he's real stupid and is probably STILL investigating Benghazi in his spare time. Also, he looks, sounds and smells (allegedly) like somebody who gave Foghorn Leghorn free blowjobs in college.

Gowdy said on Wednesday that he didn't think it was very gentlemanly of the president to say former national security adviser Susan Rice might have done a crime, because it's a bald faced lie pulled out of Trump's spray-tanned B-hole "No, ma'am, the Congress doesn't investigate crime," and also "I don't like it when anybody accuses other people of committing crimes." It is very unfair to accuse any human being of doing crimes, unless they are Hillary Clinton and you are trying to figure out how she managed to murder FOUR DEAD AMERICANS in Benghazi, all while having a quiet lesbian Netflix and Chill session with Huma in Georgetown.

Your new boyfriend Rep. Adam Schiff, Democratic ranking member on the House Intelligence Committee, says this is all good news, saying it will give the committee a "fresh start moving forward," but he WOULD say that, because, as Alex Jones informed us recently, he is an Archetypal Cocksucker with the beautiful eyes of a frightened lady deer. We don't know what that means, but Alex Jones is a pretty serious journalist, so we should probably pay attention.

Anyway, bye Devin Nunes! Don't come back to the Russia investigation you weren't remotely investigating in the first place, because 1) you're too stupid, 2) you can't be trusted, and 3) gosh darnit, everybody hates you, including Jesus and your mom.

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Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.

In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

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