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WHO'S GOING TO TELL THEM?

With 100 percent of precincts reporting, Wonkette is ready to call every race in Tuesday's Republican primary for the Republican candidate. Mazal Tov on your stunning upset, GOP! Guess we won't be hearing any more about a Blue Wave, will we?

Ummmm, okay. West Virginia voters took Trump's heartfelt endorsement of either of those other two white dudes to heart and picked state Attorney General Patrick Morrissey to run against Joe Manchin this fall.

Yes, Democrats would have been delighted to run against Don Blankenship. Congratulations West Virginia GOP on not voting for a racist felon -- you really triggered us good!

Update June 3, 2019: Our apologies to Don Blankenship, who is now suing us and every other news outlet in the world. While we have invariably referred to Mr. Blankenship's jailing on misdemeanor charges for his role in a conspiracy that led to the deaths of 29 miners, we did not catch this one use of "felon" in the editing process. Mr. Blankenship spent a year in prison for a misdemeanor, not a felony. So that is, according to Mr. Blankenship and his lawyers, a very different thing.

But 159,891 Democrats showed up to vote in a largely uncontested primary, compared to 136,220 who cast ballots in the Republican slugfest. We will repeat that, because it is worth drawing attention to, IN CAPS: DEMOCRATS, IN WEST VIRGINIA, OUTVOTED REPUBLICANS WHEN THEY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THAT MUCH OF A PRIMARY. Please, tell us more about these rarin'-to-go Republicans getting super psyched to pick off Joe Manchin in November!

And speaking of rousing successes, HI INDIANA! Did you just have two sitting Republican Congressmen retire so they could run for Senate against Joe Donnelly, only to have both of them lose in the primary? (Paging Martha McSally!) So now you have two vacant Congressional seats to defend, and Mike Braun, a self-funded outsider, headed for the general election? Sounds just terrific.

Please, Fox News, tell us how great it was that North Carolina Congressman Robert Pittenger got knocked off in the primary by that God-bothering loon Mark Harris!

HARRIS FAULKNER: Why did Republicans have great success last night? REP. DOUG COLLINS: 'Cause we have the best message. I mean, this is a thing that resonates with people. They like a government that is getting out of the way, putting them first.

So votes! Many success!

Pay no attention to those losers on the news side of your operation. What does Chad Pergram know, right? He only spends all day wandering the halls of Congress. If you want to know what's really going on, you need to spend an hour with hair and makeup, then park yourself on a couch in Fox's New York studio.

Whatever, man. That's just, like, your opinion.

VOTE, GODDAMMIT!

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It's the night before the two-night Democratic primary debate extravaganza, and we're already tired. Turns out having 20 candidates spread across two nights when only six or eight of them matter is not the must-see TV we all thought it was going to be! But that's not to dissuade you from getting excited! We're excited! We're so excited! We're so ...

Giphy

SCARED!

In case you need a reminder, here is how it's going to go down:

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Lately he's been blowing smoke from another orifice.

After a cursory examination of the TWELVE filings in the case against California Congressman Duncan Hunter just in the past 24 hours, we can confidently declare that that guy is a fucking idiot. The prosecutors have him by every last one of his short and curlies -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to pay for hundreds of thousands of dollars of ski trips, video games, tuition, and plane tickets for the family rabbit.

A rational human being would have pleaded down a year ago and given up his congressional seat, since he could cash out and make a lot more money as a lobbyist anyway. But not Duncan Hunter! He made the federal government chase him down and document every last carton of cigarettes, round of tequila, and Uber ride of shame home from his many girlfriends' houses in a 60-count indictment filed last August. And still this dumb sumbitch refused to admit he was caught, even after his lovely wife (and co-conspirator) Margaret Hunter flipped on him this month -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to carry on multiple affairs and you piss off the US Attorneys enough that they put every 7 a.m. Uber ride in your indictment.

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