In The Matter Of Diamond And Silk's Very Real Lawyer v. Wonkette: Bring It, Sh*thead

YOU GUYS.

You guys. YOU GUYS.

Yr Wonkette received a cease and desist letter two nights ago. And it's from none other than our favorite black white nationalists (ALLEGEDLY), Gravel and Polyester. I mean Diamond and Silk. And I, A LAWYER, am just MANY EXCITE to tell you all about it.

 
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The letter is honestly so fantastic that at first I thought it was a truly great troll written by one of our dear readers. But then I remembered that this is Diamond and Silk's legal team* we're talking about, which means it was probably written by their own personal in-basement counsel, as he feasted on leftover pizza crusts.

The letter, which is totally legally binding and was definitely written by a real lawyer, included a threat not to make it public. So naturally, we're going to tell you ALL about it.

That's right. THE Diamond and Silk sent us a cease and desist. And it's just as beautiful as we imagined.

People who don't understand how the law works love to try to threaten people into not being mean to them, and we have apparently been pushing all the right buttons lately. Between this incredible letter and being sued, along with Donald Trump Jr., in  Don Blankenship v. The World    , Wonkette is on a roll!

Everything about this letter is incredible and SUPER LEGALLY BINDING. The fact that it was sent to us via email by "robert," with a lowercase "r" and no last name. The subject line, "Cease and Desist Letter for Defamation of Character and Libeling," is just the tip of the iceberg.

WE ARE VERY SCARED OVER HERE RIGHT NOW ABOUT ALL OF THIS VRY SRS LAWYERING.

 
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The first paragraph sets the tone:

THE "BESMIRCH STATEMENT(S)" IS VERY MEAN AND SLANDERY!

Apparently Zirconia and Wool found this piece by Wonderbitch and it made them has a sad. Specifically, they didn't like a few particular excerpts, so we'll just go ahead and reproduce those for you, here.

I"'m getting super tired of Diamond and Silk, especially since at this point they've been running this con long enough for me to accidentally remember BOTH of their real Government names, Lynette Hardaway (Fucking Diamond), and Rochelle Richardson (Goddamn Silk). I have long despised both trolls; I've hated their hair, their animal print, their dumb facial expressions, their jiggin' and jivin', but most of all? I have hated the way they prop up the most vile white supremacy in our government, and it's time to start calling that shit out."

"They are the black faces of White Nationalism."

"... hate them for looking so dumb ... "

I guess "robert" isn't very good at "Google," or he would have seen that this was far from the first time we've made fun of his boss ladies.

According to Trump's two black friends and their definitely real lawyer:

Said article deliberately and maliciously slandered and defamed Diamond and Silk and the Diamond and Silk brand by deliberately and maliciously attaching their name to racist context.

They gave us 24 hours to STOP THE BESMIRCHES, lest we FACE THE WRATH of the consummate professional who wrote this letter.

Libelizing and Slanderification!

Let's talk about how the law actually works, here. Here in the US of A, we have this little thing called the First Amendment. And because of it, you don't get to sue people for being mean to you . In fact, making fun of assholes is a proud American tradition, much like obesity and electing white supremacists.

Even private citizens can only sue for false statements of fact that harm their reputation. And for public figures, which Diamond and Silk unfortunately and undeniably are, it's a lot harder. Public figures have to show that any actual false statements were made "with actual malice."

It's a pretty basic thing in American law that you don't get to sue media organizations -- or mommybloggers -- just because you don't like what they have to say. The US Supreme Court has been pretty clear throughout the years that political speech, in particular, receives the most protection. That's because "speech concerning public affairs is more than self-expression; it is the essence of self-government." Garrison v. Louisiana , 379 U.S. 64 74-75 (1964).

What's really fun about the truth requirement is that it means you get to request documents from the other side and argue in court about whether or not the particular statements are, in fact, true. So if Calcite and Burlap actually sued us for this, one of the actual issues would be whether Wonderbitch really does hate them for being so dumb. And they'd have to show that their "reputation," such as it is, was harmed by what she wrote.

Discovery would be LIT.

Not only would we get to explore exactly how Quartz and Cotton-Poly Blend prop up white nationalism, we'd get to ask them why they think our articles are false and what kind of sketchy sources they get their money from.

ALLEGEDLY. Not that in any way we'd suggest that Diamond and Silk might have any sources of income they wouldn't want us to know about. Perish THAT thought.

In case you were wondering, writing besmirches and "maliciously attaching their name to racist context" are not causes of action in any of the 50 states. Just FYI.

Here is the letter in full, for your reading pleasure.

LAWYERED.

 
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Oh, and it looks like our 24 hour deadline to start being nice to Diamond, Silk, and "robert" has already flown by.

Oops?

UPDATE: Also, this is your Open Thread, res ipsa fuckaducks. -- Dok

* Exit 13 off I-95 in Fayetteville! Next to the Pilot Wendy's! Br  ought to you by deregulation of for-profit schools. Suck it, NoBama! 

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