Heavens! TheDEBT COLLECTORSare in hot pursuit of America's prized orator, JOE WILSON! Apparently Joe purchased 30,000 "I'm With Myself" tee shirts with his credit card, because he forgot to buy his wife something nice for 9/11. But guess what? BANK OF AMERICA does not accept SCREAMING as a form of payment! (It used to, when we were still on the gold standard.) Run for your life, Joe Wilson! You would not enjoy DEBTOR'S PRISON, where they make you talk with "inside voices." ...

ENORMOUS GOSSIP SCOOPS: The HOUSE CLERK has written the first everTWITTER VIRUS (using C++ and LOLz) ... DICK CHENEY was caught buying "veggies and fruits", two bottles of red wine, and sushi. How many LIBERALS does Dick Cheney have imprisoned in his basement, and why is he feeding them so well? ... TIM KAINE'S INTERN does a fantastic job, and deserves a raise. 2 x $0 = $0 ... ELIOT SPITZER, best-selling author of Bury My Hooker At Wounded Knee, is in DC to talk about the economy, which sounds innocent enough, until he gets the hooker itch ...

REP. STEVEN COHEN (D-TN) might look like a frail balding white guy, but that's not who he really is, on the inside. Steven has come to accept he is really SAPPHIRE, a 45-year-old black woman with feminine curves and a preposterous badonkadonk who is trapped in a boring white dude's body.

Riley Waggaman's WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com