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When a terrible monster was found washed up on the beach near Montauk, New York, on July 12, the local newspaper speculated that the mutant beast escaped from Plum Island Animal Disease Center, the top secret government lab known as "Monster Island." Wonkette has since learned that the Biosafety Level 3 (or Level 4) facility was taken over by the Department of Homeland Security in 2003, has had numerous biohazard accidents in recent years, was investigated by the House last year, is no longer patrolled by Federal Protective Services police, and has been the subject of environmental sabotage by government contractors. Worse, the Bush Administration is currently trying to shut down the island laboratory and replace it with a monster lab on the U.S. mainland, where the deadly diseases could easily spread to livestock and people.


The 840-acre island sits a few miles across Gardiners Bay from Montauk, at the tip of Long Island. It was a military base through World War II, after which it was taken over by the Department of Agriculture for the isolated study of livestock viruses such as foot-and-mouth disease and anthrax. But the work at Monster Island turned dark in the early 1950s, as Cold War biologists were told to create horrors to set loose upon Soviet agriculture and even Cuba's tobacco crops.

Mishaps have been recorded since 1954, the Bush Administration acknowledged in April, with the 1978 escape of foot-and-mouth disease from the laboratory to the open-air farm on the island being one of the worst acknowledged accidents.

In a government simulation in 2002 called "Crimson Sky," foot-and-mouth disease spread from the laboratory to mainland farms. The National Guard shot tens of thousands of infected animals before it literally ran out of bullets, people rioted in cities because of food shortages, a 25-mile-long mass grave had to be dug in Kansas, and the acting president, Senator Pat Roberts, described the government response as "a mess."

People who live around the mysterious facility have long suspected viral releases haven't just happened in federal readiness drills.

In 2004, the New York Press noted the still-unexplained 1975 appearance of the first cluster of patients suffering from a tick-borne disease in the woods of Lyme, Connecticut -- right across Long Island Sound from Plum Island itself.

There are also suspicions about the sudden 1999 encephalitis outbreak in New York and Connecticut caused by an African bird virus never before seen on this continent, with Plum Island sitting in the middle of the outbreak zone.

Even the anthrax mailings of 2001 began in New York and ended with the death of 94-year-old Ottilie Lundgren in Oxford, Connecticut, although the government now claims the rogue biological-weapons scientist behind that crime was employed by the federal biological weapon laboratory at Fort Detrick, Maryland. (Osama bin Laden and/or Saddam Hussein did the anthrax mailings, according to George W. Bush and Dick Cheney in late September of 2001, and FBI chief Robert Mueller was "beaten up" for failing to come up with supporting evidence.)

The most horrible stories about Monster Island are, of course, about the supposed monsters being bred on Plum Island. There was the Hybrid Mutant of Maine, the Dover Demon, and that dead deer outside Cheney's house for a week.

As for the mysterious Montauk Monster, Plum Island director Dr. Larry Barrett finally issued an official statement last week:

"It is impossible to accurately identify the species of animal from the photo. There is no scale from which to judge its size. Additionally, when a body has had prolonged exposure to water and predators, it can be altered or appear different from its normal form. If we had the actual body, we could tell you what it is; however, from viewing the lower canine tooth and other physical characteristics evident in the picture, we could guess it may be a dog or raccoon. I can state categorically that it is not associated with the work performed at Plum Island Animal Disease Center (PIADC). PIADC serves as the Nation's first line of defense against foreign animal diseases of livestock by identifying such diseases through diagnostic testing and by developing vaccines to protect livestock from those diseases."
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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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