Donate

In today's episode of THESE PEOPLE ARE TRASH, we return to the marital troubles of Amazon owner Jeff Bezos, whose wandering wiener led him into the clutches of a crew of wingnut D-listers. What the hell are Roger Stone, Carter Page, and Scottie Nell Hughes (former Fox blonde, now plying her wares at Russian propaganda outlet RT) doing in his divorce? Is Bezos a victim of The Deep State, or did he get sold out by his girlfriend's gay Hispanic Trump-loving brother, Michael Sanchez? (Not even joking.) And will our philandering anti-hero ever escape this den of iniquity?

LE SIGH.

By means not yet clear, Bezos's extremely safe-for-work texts to his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez were leaked to the National Enquirer sometime in the fall of 2018. In January, the magazine sent letters to Bezos and Lauren Sanchez "to request an interview with you about your love affair." (Hurl!) But before the tabloid could publish, Bezos announced his impending divorce on Twitter. Thanks, @jack!

Enquirer editor Dylan Howard, last seen exhorting Michael Cohen to pay Stormy Daniels off in a hurry before she outed the magazine for illegally buying up stories to protect Trump during the 2016 campaign, was pissed that Bezos pre-empted his scoop. How dare this guy tell his wife and kids about the affair, rather than letting them find out about it from a gossip rag!


The Post reports:

The announcement surprised Michael Sanchez and enraged Howard, who felt, according to two people who spoke to him at the time, that Bezos had preempted his scoop.

After the Bezos tweet, the Enquirer, which was not due to publish its next edition until Jan. 16, rushed its report about the affair into print a week early, allowing it to appear on newsstands Jan. 10, according to a person familiar with the Enquirer's work on the report.

Which is about what you'd expect from a guy who sent a reporter to interview Rose McGowan about her assault allegations against Harvey Weinstein, only to feed the info back to Weinstein directly. Howard and his boss David Pecker are currently cooperating with Manhattan prosecutors in the case against Michael Cohen for campaign finance violations, after which they will presumably report directly to the Seventh Circle of Hell for all eternity.

The Daily Beast says Bezos's security chief Gavin de Becker has ruled out hacks of Lauren Sanchez and Jeff Bezos's phones, leaving Lauren's brother Michael Sanchez as his prime suspect. The fact that Michael pals around with loons like Page, Stone, and Hughes -- and his support for Trump, whose manic jealousy of Bezos is well-known -- isn't helping his case. Neither is any of this insane shit coming out of Michael Sanchez's mouth.

Sanchez admits that he did speak to Dylan Howard about the story, but swears he did it as his sister's representative, not to hand over copies of her texts with America's richest man. And he didn't blab her business to Roger Stone and Carter Page because he's an asshole with a big mouth; he did it because those two guys are just really good sources on how to secure your communications from THE DEEP STATE.

In the aftermath of the Enquirer story, Sanchez offered a variety of theories to explain how texts between Bezos and his sister made their way to the tabloid, including spying by foreign governments, rival tech companies or "deep state" actors within the U.S. government, according to a compilation of emails between Sanchez and de Becker that were provided to The Post.

In a Jan. 21 email to de Becker, Sanchez offered a "brief summary of the info I gathered from Carter [Page] and Roger [Stone]" and included links to news articles that outlined the National Security Agency's ability to collect metadata on phone calls.

Tune in next week when Sanchez consults Melania Trump on how to find a husband who won't run around on you, with special guest Paul Manafort, who gives tips on making sure your super-secret WhatsApp messages don't get saved to your iCloud. PROBABLY.

Reached for comment, Page told The Post he'd given Sanchez the benefit of his sage advice: "Realize that people have agendas. ... There are bigger fish whose reputations they are trying to fry in the media."

(Your Wonkette's going to need a minute here. Please point and laugh amongst yourselves.)

. . .

OKAY. Sanchez's next theory was that his sister's phone had been hacked by the Mossad and/or MI6, which was one too many even for Roger Stone. After spontaneously volunteering to The Daily Beast that he'd never tapped Bezos's wires NOHOW, Stone defended his friend Sanchez, suggesting that de Becker was casting about for someone to blame for his own Op-Sec failure to protect his boss's communications. Prompting Sanchez to suggest that de Becker himself had leaked the texts, "to sabotage Mr. Bezos and Ms. Sanchez's love affair" and protect Bezos's marriage.

At which point your Wonkette tapped out, because these people are RIDICULOUS, and they all deserve each other.

THE END.

[WaPo / Daily Beast]

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Please click here to fund your Wonkette, who keeps track of these garbage people so you don't have to. MONEY US!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc