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raaaaaaaain, feel it on my fingertips, see it on the windowpane, that pee's flowin' down like ...


We've been so busy with Roy Moore's alleged kid-touching, we're just now getting to the news that leaked (insert pee joke) of the testimony Donald Trump's bodyguard Keith Schiller gave the House Intelligence Committee about what really happened in 2013 at the Moscow Miss Universe Pageant! That's when Trump, according to the DODGY DOSSIER, was allegedly visited in the night by a duo of Moscow's finest pee hookers, who did a fancy pee show for Trump that involved them peeing on the same bed in which the Obamas had once slumbered. WHOA IF TRUE, right?

NBC's Ken Dilanian reports that Schiller testified that, one morning in Moscow, a Russian businessdude offered to "send five women" up to Trump's suite at the Ritz later that night, and Schiller thought that was so funny!

Two of the sources said Keith Schiller viewed the offer as a joke, and immediately responded, "We don't do that type of stuff."

NO PEE HOOKERS. NO PEE HOOKERS. YOU ARE THE PEE HOOKER! That is what Keith Schiller said, through cartoon LOL tears.

Later that night, according to Schiller's account, he told Trump about the offer and they both agreed it was a knee-slapper. Because goodness golly gee, Donald Trump is an upstanding man who has never put his pecker where he wasn't supposed to, and he certainly is not a known pussy-grabber! These jokester Russians, with their #jokes.

After that, Donald Trump went nighty night. ALONE.

And Schiller stood guard outside Trump's room. ALONE.

And then Schiller went to bed. ALONE. (We guess. We ain't know if Schiller found romance in Moscow that night.)

At which point there is a gap in the fucking recording.

One source noted that Schiller testified he eventually left Trump's hotel room door and could not say for sure what happened during the remainder of the night.

Two other sources said Schiller testified he was confident nothing happened.

Oh OK. LORDY WE HOPE THERE ARE (PEE) TAPES.

Because for serious, maybe Trump told Schiller, "LMAO, I agree as to the funny nature of that offer," then went into his hotel room, pulled the covers over his head, stuck his butt in the air and VERY CONVINCINGLY hollered "SNORE SNORE HONK HONK!" until Schiller, believing his charge had fallen asleep, went to bed. Then, pitter-pattering like Russian mouse, Trump maybe picked up the phone and said, "Igor! Send the pee hookers! I will pay for them with my own money! Just bill me! Also want ice cream!" Trump may have then been disappointed to learn that not all five pee hookers could make it, because since they had rudely laughed off the earlier offer, three of the pee hookers ended up taking a shift pee hooking for other clients. But two of them were available!

Also:

In a statement, Schiller's lawyer said "the versions of Mr. Schiller’s testimony being leaked to the press are blatantly false and misleading. "

What about those versions does he have a problem with? That he went to bed and forgot to put the "No pee hookers please" sign on Trump's door? The part where he laughed about the offer of five Russian ladies? Was it six Russian ladies? Nine? An entire kickline of Russian pee hookers? What is it, Keith? Show us on the doll where the leakers leaked you wrong.

Maybe Trump didn't get a pee-pee show that night. It is possible. Of course, there are OTHER allegations in the dossier, that Trump participated in really gross sex orgy parties in St. Petersburg. The dossier doesn't include details but says Trump's pal Aras Agalarov (WHO THREW THE PAGEANT WITH HIM) would know about them. It also says Agalarov knows all about Trump's alleged Russian bribes. Oh yeah, and Agalarov was part of the Russian team that approached Donald Trump Jr. for his own big-boy Russian collusion meeting.

In summary, Keith Schiller's testimony doesn't mean shit and we still anxiously await the release of the Trump pee tape, which is definitely real, unless it isn't. (Of course the Russians have kompromat on Trump, according to at least one Russian wingnut!)

Feel free to have gross discussions about Trump and pee in the comments of this, your open thread.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[NBC]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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