Did Trumps Bone Secret Service In More Ways Than One?
The Washington Post's Carol Leonnig is a real reporter, one of the best. So we'd like to be clear that this is not the gossip pages.
This is a real reporter reporting in a real book that apppppppppppparently certain members of the Trump family may have spent their time under Secret Service protection — WHICH YOU'RE STILL PAYING FOR, OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN? — enjoying some of the Secret Service's other secret services if you know what we mean and we think you do, allegedly.
Was it this Trump? Did this Trump invite the Secret Service back to his boudoir for a piece of his romance?
Was it this Trump?
Sorry, that's too gross. It wasn't the older Trump boys, and we are sorry we just made you think about them doing coituses, that is disgusting.
Was it THIS Trump?
LOL that .gif is so nasty.
OK, we'll stop fucking around and say it:
In [Leonnig's] new book, she writes that Secret Service agents reported that Vanessa Trump, the wife of the president's oldest son, Donald Trump Jr, "started dating one of the agents who had been assigned to her family". [...]
Leonnig reports that the agent concerned did not face disciplinary action as neither he nor the agency were official guardians of Vanessa Trump at that point.
Oh! Good for her! We remember when they got divorced and how happy we were for her. "Today is the first day of waking up next to anything but that face," we figured she thought on that first morning after it was all over. As Wonkette explained at the time, Page Six had been reporting that Trump Jr. and Vanessa were facing hard times because Idiot Boy was never home because he was always on a trip to shoot exotic animals in the face, and that when he was home, he had taken a turn for the yuck, on Twitter all the time with his head up the ass of all his father's conspiracy theories.
So at some point Vanessa Trump met a Secret Service agent and they had some fun. If Secret Service wasn't officially guarding her at the time, sounds like it was post-divorce. Score another victory for Vanessa Trump!
Leonnig also writes that Tiffany Trump, Donald Trump's daughter with his second wife, Marla Maples, broke up with a boyfriend and "began spending an unusual amount of time alone with a Secret Service agent on her detail".
Secret Service leaders, the book says, "became concerned at how close Tiffany appeared to be getting to the tall, dark and handsome agent".
Oh! Well OK! We'd like to know who was describing the agent as tall and dark and handsome. Was it the Secret Service leaders themselves? Were they mad at Tiffany because they wanted Hot Carl all to themselves?
According to Leonnig, Tiffany Trump and the agent involved said everything was on the up-and-up at the time, but eventually that guy got reassigned anyway. Her spokesperson issued a response to the Washington Post's queries about this new story, and that response is DENY.
Sorry this isn't as juicy as you all were sexpecting. But you really didn't think Donald Trump Jr. or Eric could score a Secret Service agent, did you? Kinda outta their league, we think.
The Guardian reports one final detail from Leonnig's book, about President Big Mac, and how nobody knows whether he knew what might be allegedly going on with either Vanessa or Tiffany and the Secret Service, but he sure did have some opinions about the Secret Service:
"I want these fat guys off my detail," Trump is reported to have said, possibly confusing office-based personnel with active agents. "How are they going to protect me and my family if they can't run down the street?"
Can't have a president as zippy and svelte as Donald Trump outrunning his own Secret Service ag- ...
The book, Zero Fail: The Rise and Fall of the Secret Service (Wonkette cut link!), actually sounds really interesting, which is unsurprising because Leonnig has been reporting on the Secret Service for years and years. Sounds like they still got some serious problems. If you'd like to read a serious report about the book that doesn't include any dick jokes about Donald Trump Jr.'s face, then A) what's wrong with you, and B) Ashley Parker of the Washington Post got that covered.
She includes the parts about Vanessa and Tiffany, though. That's what ERRRBODY'S talking about.
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If you happen to have some extra money right now, we would take it.