Before the peaceful transfer of power from the Republicans to the Democrats in the US House of Representatives, we were worried then-House Intelligence Committee (HPSCI) chair Devin Nunes would hide all the transcripts of the HPSCI Trump-Russia investigation interviews in the basement of a lady cow's house he's (allegedly!) been dating. Otherwise, we thought maybe he'd burn them or "accidentally" cover them with poo. But you can breathe easy, because current HPSCI chair Adam Schiff is on the case, and he's got the receipts.

(That's right. Let's just take a moment to relax and rejoice in the fact that Adam Schiff is the CHAIRMAN of the House Intel Committee. Because Elections. Have. Consequences.)

Schiff appeared on the Jake Tapper CNN funtimes program about politics, and they discussed how Schiff plans to proceed from his new place of power, in order to fuck Trump-Russia liars the fuck up. He said in the old Congress, HPSCI tried to hurt the Robert Mueller investigation, which is just true, but that in the new Congress, they are going to help Mueller and be his best friend, except not in an improper way. Mostly, they want to make sure Mueller has all the transcripts of their interviews with the terrible assholes who surround the president, so Mueller can see where they lied to Congress and charge them accordingly. (Remember how part of Michael Cohen's recent guilty plea was that he lied to Congress about Trump's business dealings with Russia during the campaign to build a Trump Tower in Moscow? Mueller obviously has no problem charging these skeevy fuckers with stuff like that.)

SCHIFF: We hope, as one of our first acts, to make the transcript of our witnesses fully available to the special counsel for any purpose, including the bringing of perjury charges, if necessary, against any of the witnesses, but also to see the evidence that they contain and help flesh out the picture for the special counsel.

Jake Tapper was like WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO? Silly Jake Tapper, always asking questions. Did Schiff mean Donald Trump Jr.? Did he mean Roger Stone? HOLD YOUR HORSES, JACOB, Adam Schiff is not tellin' you:

SCHIFF: I don't want to go into enumerating particularly who I have concerns about, but I do have concerns about certainly multiple witnesses.

And I think Bob Mueller, by virtue of the fact that he has been able to conduct this investigation using tools that we didn't have in our committee, meaning compulsion, is in a better position to determine, OK, who was telling the truth, who wasn't, and who could I make a case against in terms of perjury?

We're pretty sure Mueller knows, because Mueller always knows the answers to the questions he asks witnesses, and he probably already knows the answers to the questions other people ask witnesses. We imagine he'll just take out his red pen and start writing LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE all over the transcripts.

But WHO lied to Congress? You might be wondering that, like a common Jake Tapper.

Here are our top three candidates that we think just maybe told a big old bucket of lies to the House Intelligence Committee, because former chairman Devin Nunes was basically Trump's accomplice and would never have given a fuck if they were lying or telling the truth:

Roger Stone

NO, YOU DON'T SAY, ROGER STONE MIGHT HAVE LIED? Well, Rep. Eric Swalwell, who also sits on the intel committee, told MSNBC this weekend that he thinks Stone lied to them like a rug.

Fucking Junior


We don't know what-all Junior said to HPSCI, but we do have the transcript of what he said to the Senate Judiciary Committee. We know one thing Democrats want to subpoena is phone records related to the infamous Trump Tower meeting with every Russian ever born, the one where Junior was so excited about getting sexxxy Hillary Clinton dirt. We have long imagined Robert Mueller is probably very interested in who Junior talked to on his Obamaphone between two calls with the Russians while planning that meeting. It was a blocked number, and you know who had a blocked number in Trump Tower? Daddy. Speaking to the Senate, Junior insisted he does not recall to whom he talked, who had a blocked number, while planning a Russian conspiracy meeting to help Daddy get elected.

Erik Prince

Fucker LIED. The Aryan Blackwater Sadist little brother of Betsy DeVos sat in front of the House Intelligence Committee and he lied about that dirty weird meeting he had in the Seychelles just before the inauguration. He got caught in that lie. Did he lie about other stuff? Oh golly we can't imagine, but we're adding him to this list just in case.

We don't know who else might have lied to the Devin Nunes-led House Intelligence Committee, and who thinks they got away with it -- they did 73 interviews, for God's sake -- but we're just going to assume the answer is ALL OF THEM KATIE and that Adam Schiff and Robert Mueller are coming for their asses.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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