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It's gotta suck when you get a new job and there is just SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON! And if you're a member of the Trump administration, you have the added stress of trying to do a crash course on everything you missed while also putting little babies in jail and lying about it! Boy howdy, and we thought our schedule was busy!


Almost exactly one month ago, we told Kirstjen Nielsen to go fuck herself, because she was just MASSIVELY bullshitting about Russian election inteference, saying technically true facts about how Russia is meddling in our democracy to sow chaos in general, but conveniently ignoring all the intelligence we have that says that in 2016, Russia absolutely 100% positively no fucking question about it picked sides, and the side it picked was Donald Trump. In other words, where patriotic Americans were "I'M WITH HER," Russia was "MAGA MAGA MAGA!" all the way. In other other words, last month Kirstjen Nielsen apparently hadn't gotten around to reading our intelligence community's unanimous assessment that when Russia went to its polling place in November 2016 and got its finger purple like a common voter, IT VOTED FOR TRUMP. Russia was probably even wearing one of those "Trump that bitch!" t-shirts, because Putin hates Hillary Clinton, because she makes him a-skeered.

Well, Nielsen has goddamn gone and done it again, because apparently our gentle encouragement for her to go fuck herself last month didn't remind her to go read the fucking IC's report. At the Aspen Security Forum, Nielsen was asked what happened in 2016, and she said this:

GRRRRRRRRRRRR DAMMIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER?

OK, Secretary Nielsen, Mr. Rogers always said in times of crisis or when you're just being an ignorant ass fool that you should look for the helpers, and Wonkette is a Certified Fucking Helper, so here it is, from the IC report in January of 2017:

We also assess Putin and the Russian Government aspired to help President-elect Trump's election chances when possible by discrediting Secretary Clinton and publicly contrasting her unfavorably to him. All three agencies agree with this judgment. CIA and FBI have high confidence in this judgment; NSA has moderate confidence.

Did you read that, Secretary Nielsen? Here, we'll paste it again, and we are such a helper that if you read all the way to the end, there will be funny picture of a puppy! Do you like puppies? Probably not, since you're a fucking monster who puts babies in baby jails and lies about it:

We also assess Putin and the Russian Government aspired to help President-elect Trump's election chances when possible by discrediting Secretary Clinton and publicly contrasting her unfavorably to him. All three agencies agree with this judgment. CIA and FBI have high confidence in this judgment; NSA has moderate confidence.

LOOK AT THAT PUPPY! IT IS WEARING SUNGLASSES AND WALKING ON ITS HIND LEGS ON A BUNCH OF HUNNERD DOLLAR BILLS, MUCH LIKE THE STACKS UPON STACKS OF HUNNERD DOLLAR BILLS VLADIMIR PUTIN PROBABLY LAUNDERED TO THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IN ORDER TO ENSURE VICTORY!

By the way, that quote from the IC assessment is under a larger heading that reads, "Putin Ordered Campaign To Influence US Election," so don't tie yourself up in knots like your boss Trump, trying to pretend like Putin didn't do that. (Of course, your boss fucking knows Putin did that. He saw the receipts the same month that IC report came out! Also, Putin said he supported Trump in 2016 this very week, in a little press conference the secretary might have seen.)

Fuck it, we're through typing about this shit.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Photo by Wonkette Operative 'Teecha'

If it's Sunday, this must be Nice Things, our weekly escape from the quotidian awfulness. Our featured doggo this week comes via a photo by Wonkette reader "Teecha," and we don't think Teecha mentioned a name for this lovely old rescue dog. If it is a dog at all: I think it may actually be one of Sia's more inventive disguises, like that time she was a little pony.

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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