This monkey's gone to heaven Do any of these tired old men want to be president? When the worst campaigner, the worst public speaker and the worst "conservative" is the frontrunner and presumed nominee -- yeah, we're talking about "Arizona" Senator John McCain -- then we might as well let Hillary and Obama run against each other in the General Election, for fun. But that's a dream for another day. For now, we are stuck with these old men who are sitting around the table at the senior center, vaguely complaining about Mexicans and Abortions.

5:53 PM -- The local ads on CNN are really terrific in California this week. You ought see the kind of special people running for mayor of L.A.

5:54 PM -- CNN popped back on for a moment, but all the old men were still in the bathroom and the debate table was empty, so it's time for a few more commercials of interest to older Republican voters.

5:56 PM -- No fooling: The last CNN commercial was for "Catholic Mortuaries."

5:56 PM -- Hey, Larry King is going to personally try to remember who Ronald Reagan was, later tonight!

5:57 PM -- Yeah, my girl Peggy Noonan has something to say about George W. Bush! He destroyed the Republican Party.

5:58 PM -- Mitt Romney wants you to know "When someone attacks America, there will be consequences," and the consequences are, according to Mitt, the destruction of the Republican Party.

5:58 PM -- Wait, what did he say?

5:59 PM -- Even Mitt Romney has no idea what Mitt Romney means. He's just vapidly repeating whatever is whispered in his ear.

6:02 PM -- Oh no, Mitt Romney did not support the Surge? Didn't he know that old man McCain was "on the front line," in Washington, talking about the Surge?

6:03 PM -- Mitt and McCain are arguing over some quote about weeds. They are WOUND UP. Well, not really, but they are kind of weakly arguing, the way they might argue in Small Claims Court. There are points, quotes, separate points, weeds, etc. SEND THEM BOTH TO SPACE TO STOP THE SATELLITE.

6:04 PM -- Anderson Cooper: "You idiots are arguing about two totally different things. Could you maybe argue about the same thing, you fucking old fools?"


6:06 PM -- Dennis Kucinich could win the General Election after this soft sack of crap.

6:07 PM -- McCain just sort of mumbled about a war on the Transsexuals, and then remembered we are pretending to have the wars against the "Islamic Radicalisms" right now.

6:08 PM -- Did you hear Mitt Romney's 13 children cheer when he said that one thing that didn't make any sense?

6:09 PM -- Pinocchio?

6:10 PM -- Ron Paul, heh heh, doesn't even think we should've gone to Iraq, heh heh. A hundred years! Interventionism! Policeman of the Empire! Guns! Butter! The '70s were horrible! The dollar is crashing! Who said what? When" [WILD APPLAUSE] 1952! Korea! 1968! Vietnam! 30,000! Long-term! Nothing to do with our National Security! Never committed! Undeclared! Unconstitutional! Follow the Constitution! [MORE WILD APPLAUSE]

6:12 PM -- Mike Huckabee would like some questions about him.

6:17 PM -- Romney has read something or other about Russia, or the USSR, and now he knows about the Putin troubles.

6:18 PM -- Mitt has learned about all the World Powers: Russia with the Oil, China with the Wild West, Al Qaeda, and America.

6:18 PM -- "There will only be terrible events in the world." -- Mitt Romney, January 30, 2008.

6:19 PM -- Ha ha ha, McCain is sleepily rolling out his new "Maverick" issue, the "transcendent issue of the 21st Century," which of course is .... the Islamo Fascisms!

6:20 PM -- Sleepy sleepy McCain just claimed he was a "leader of the Reagan Revolution" and then remembered he was a "foot soldier of the Reagan Revolution."

6:21 PM -- Romney just called all the senators a bunch of lazy pussies.

6:21 PM -- Somebody just slammed the door and left, in disgust. Nancy?

6:23 PM -- Mitt Romney regrets not being shot down, caught by the Viet Cong, tortured and imprisoned in Hanoi for years.

6:23 PM -- But Mitt Romney does play Star Wars Chess.

Don't make a Mormon Wookie angry

6:25 PM -- Ron Paul wants America to know that the Constitution does not allow the president to be president of the people.

6:26 PM -- Dr. Ron Paul: "We have a role to play, but it's a negative role."

6:29 PM -- Huckabee is talking about being nice to poor people and hungry people and angry people. Not quite the base these days, Mike. But still, APPLAUSE. (A little tiny bit ... probably from the Janitors.)

6:30 PM -- Why would Reagan endorse Mitt? Romney lists some things Reagan did or didn't do. And then Romney INSULTS Reagan by saying that Reagan did the Shamnesty, so that's why Reagan would ... uh ... oh fuck it.

6:32 PM -- McCain: Ronald Reagan would bomb Europe and kill protestors.

6:33 PM -- Ron Paul: "Ronald Reagan would .... THE DOLLAR IS GOING DOWN."

6:33 PM -- Humble Huck: "I just love Ronald Reagan. That's all. He wouldn't even piss in my mouth."


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