Dinesh D'Souza Might Be Pardoned, But He's Still Invited To Go Fuck Himself

President Chunk Britches is exercising his presidential authorities again:

Oh for fuck's sake.

Donald Trump doesn't understand the pardon process. He has no grasp of how an American president is supposed to behave, he has no respect for our American system of law and order, he literally thinks he is king and that we, his faithful subjects, should bow down to his petulant shit-baby whims, therefore he thinks that the pardon is a way to express his whiny-ass grievances and undo his predecessors' actions.

Dinesh D'Souza, one of the saddest and most pathetic right-wing trolls who ever did live, is a convicted felon. He was not jailed -- in cushy-ass sleepaway camp jail for wussy boys who wouldn't survive real jail, where he was still free to do Fox News appearances where he called Barack Obama "lawless" and "ghetto" FROM JAIL -- because of his political beliefs. He was not jailed because his movies, which allegedly expose secret truths about Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and the Democrats (who are the real racists), were threatening to anyone. He was jailed because he committed an actual crime, by making a hugely illegal campaign donation, and he got caught.

What's funny (HAHA!) is that Dinesh D'Souza actually pleaded guilty, but never mind that. He was treated VERY UNFAIRLY BY OUR SYSTEM!

It's worth noting that D'Souza got caught by a guy named Preet Bharara, whom Trump cannot stand. It's also worth noting this thing Joyce Vance (who is seriously on fire today) tweeted, in order to understand the message Trump is sending people like Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort right now:

And this thing Laurence Tribe tweeted:

Hey, while we're at it, how about ethics guy Walter Shaub?

Scooter Libby lied to the FBI about the outing of an undercover CIA agent. Pardoned!

Joe Arpaio told a federal judge to fuck off, but did it for REALLY RACIST REASONS, so in Trump's mind that's fine. Pardoned!

While D'Souza might be getting a "presidential" pardon from an illegitimate "president," don't you Wonkette readers go thinking we won't stop calling him a convicted felon, because that's what he is. See, it says right here in WikiPedia, at least for now:

We'll also continue calling him a lying racist asshole whose ass can't cash the checks his mouth writes, because he is also very much that. Recently, he thought it would be a good idea to attack the Parkland kids on Twitter, after which they promptly owned his ass, also on Twitter.

After the Charlottesville Nazi situation, where actual Nazis committed murder, D'Souza, an Indian-American immigrant, sided with the Robert E. Lee statue. Also after the Charlottesville Nazi situation, D'Souza went to a Costco and put his books about the Nazi Liberals on top of other books on the Costco book display to make it look like his book was SO FUCKING POPULAR it required the most gigantic of Costco displays, to feed the marauding hordes of Costco shoppers who wouldn't be satisfied until they got their hands on his very important book. Then he tweeted it:

Dinesh D'Souza is a "historian" who writes important "books" about how Nazis were actually secretly George Soros-loving gay liberals, because oh boy, they sure did fuck a lot. Oh, and he's been spreading a lie for a long time now that Soros was a Nazi collaborator, which is some unbelievable horseshit. Want some racist birther crap about how Barack Obama governed the way he did because he was "a captive of the ideology of a Luo tribesman"? Dinesh D'Souza is your guy!

D'Souza is also a specimen of the saddest kind of human, the kind that looks at Donald Trump and ... admires him.

Like, how low on the totem pole of life do you have to be to think Trump is a smart guy?

One of the saddest things about the Dinesh D'Souza crime spree was that afterward, he sincerely believed Barack Obama knew his name, and even more than that, somehow felt so threatened by the TRUTH FACTS in D'Souza's documentaries that he went after him for political reasons. This is laughable. In fact, we imagine that if President Obama sees President Cum Sock's tweet this morning, he'll have to do a quick Google to remind himself who the fuck we're even talking about right now.

But because D'Souza believes that conspiracy theory he made up, it stands to reason that President Cum Sock, a very stupid man, also believes it, so he is partially doing this in order to reverse yet another Obama thing. Heck, Ted Cruz, the most hated man with the most disturbing face in the entire United States Senate, thinks that explanation is legit!

This is America now.

How many more things can Donald Trump fuck up today before close of business? Well, the stock market is tanking right now because of his tariff announcement, so ... wait, what's this?

Right, because if he pardons Democrats too, then he's not fucking with federal investigations into HIMSELF.

Everything is so stupid, gonna go hibernate until January of 2021.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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