President Chunk Britches is exercising his presidential authorities again:

Oh for fuck's sake.

Donald Trump doesn't understand the pardon process. He has no grasp of how an American president is supposed to behave, he has no respect for our American system of law and order, he literally thinks he is king and that we, his faithful subjects, should bow down to his petulant shit-baby whims, therefore he thinks that the pardon is a way to express his whiny-ass grievances and undo his predecessors' actions.

Dinesh D'Souza, one of the saddest and most pathetic right-wing trolls who ever did live, is a convicted felon. He was not jailed -- in cushy-ass sleepaway camp jail for wussy boys who wouldn't survive real jail, where he was still free to do Fox News appearances where he called Barack Obama "lawless" and "ghetto" FROM JAIL -- because of his political beliefs. He was not jailed because his movies, which allegedly expose secret truths about Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and the Democrats (who are the real racists), were threatening to anyone. He was jailed because he committed an actual crime, by making a hugely illegal campaign donation, and he got caught.

What's funny (HAHA!) is that Dinesh D'Souza actually pleaded guilty, but never mind that. He was treated VERY UNFAIRLY BY OUR SYSTEM!

It's worth noting that D'Souza got caught by a guy named Preet Bharara, whom Trump cannot stand. It's also worth noting this thing Joyce Vance (who is seriously on fire today) tweeted, in order to understand the message Trump is sending people like Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort right now:

And this thing Laurence Tribe tweeted:

Hey, while we're at it, how about ethics guy Walter Shaub?

Scooter Libby lied to the FBI about the outing of an undercover CIA agent. Pardoned!

Joe Arpaio told a federal judge to fuck off, but did it for REALLY RACIST REASONS, so in Trump's mind that's fine. Pardoned!

While D'Souza might be getting a "presidential" pardon from an illegitimate "president," don't you Wonkette readers go thinking we won't stop calling him a convicted felon, because that's what he is. See, it says right here in WikiPedia, at least for now:

We'll also continue calling him a lying racist asshole whose ass can't cash the checks his mouth writes, because he is also very much that. Recently, he thought it would be a good idea to attack the Parkland kids on Twitter, after which they promptly owned his ass, also on Twitter.

After the Charlottesville Nazi situation, where actual Nazis committed murder, D'Souza, an Indian-American immigrant, sided with the Robert E. Lee statue. Also after the Charlottesville Nazi situation, D'Souza went to a Costco and put his books about the Nazi Liberals on top of other books on the Costco book display to make it look like his book was SO FUCKING POPULAR it required the most gigantic of Costco displays, to feed the marauding hordes of Costco shoppers who wouldn't be satisfied until they got their hands on his very important book. Then he tweeted it:

Dinesh D'Souza is a "historian" who writes important "books" about how Nazis were actually secretly George Soros-loving gay liberals, because oh boy, they sure did fuck a lot. Oh, and he's been spreading a lie for a long time now that Soros was a Nazi collaborator, which is some unbelievable horseshit. Want some racist birther crap about how Barack Obama governed the way he did because he was "a captive of the ideology of a Luo tribesman"? Dinesh D'Souza is your guy!

D'Souza is also a specimen of the saddest kind of human, the kind that looks at Donald Trump and ... admires him.

Like, how low on the totem pole of life do you have to be to think Trump is a smart guy?

One of the saddest things about the Dinesh D'Souza crime spree was that afterward, he sincerely believed Barack Obama knew his name, and even more than that, somehow felt so threatened by the TRUTH FACTS in D'Souza's documentaries that he went after him for political reasons. This is laughable. In fact, we imagine that if President Obama sees President Cum Sock's tweet this morning, he'll have to do a quick Google to remind himself who the fuck we're even talking about right now.

But because D'Souza believes that conspiracy theory he made up, it stands to reason that President Cum Sock, a very stupid man, also believes it, so he is partially doing this in order to reverse yet another Obama thing. Heck, Ted Cruz, the most hated man with the most disturbing face in the entire United States Senate, thinks that explanation is legit!

This is America now.

How many more things can Donald Trump fuck up today before close of business? Well, the stock market is tanking right now because of his tariff announcement, so ... wait, what's this?

Right, because if he pardons Democrats too, then he's not fucking with federal investigations into HIMSELF.

Everything is so stupid, gonna go hibernate until January of 2021.

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Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.

In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

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