Dinesh D'Souza Might Be Pardoned, But He's Still Invited To Go Fuck Himself
President Chunk Britches is exercising his presidential authorities again:
Will be giving a Full Pardon to Dinesh D’Souza today. He was treated very unfairly by our government!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 31, 2018
Oh for fuck's sake.
Donald Trump doesn't understand the pardon process. He has no grasp of how an American president is supposed to behave, he has no respect for our American system of law and order, he literally thinks he is king and that we, his faithful subjects, should bow down to his petulant shit-baby whims, therefore he thinks that the pardon is a way to express his whiny-ass grievances and undo his predecessors' actions.
Dinesh D'Souza, one of the saddest and most pathetic right-wing trolls who ever did live, is a convicted felon. He was not jailed -- in cushy-ass sleepaway camp jail for wussy boys who wouldn't survive real jail, where he was still free to do Fox News appearances where he called Barack Obama "lawless" and "ghetto" FROM JAIL -- because of his political beliefs. He was not jailed because his movies, which allegedly expose secret truths about Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and the Democrats (who are the real racists), were threatening to anyone. He was jailed because he committed an actual crime, by making a hugely illegal campaign donation, and he got caught.
What's funny (HAHA!) is that Dinesh D'Souza actually pleaded guilty, but never mind that. He was treated VERY UNFAIRLY BY OUR SYSTEM!
It's worth noting that D'Souza got caught by a guy named Preet Bharara, whom Trump cannot stand. It's also worth noting this thing Joyce Vance (who is seriously on fire today) tweeted, in order to understand the message Trump is sending people like Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort right now:
Dinesh D’Souza was convicted of one of the crimes Michael Cohen is under investigation for, campaign finance fraud. Impossible to view this as anything other than a “stay strong“ message from Trump to Cohen, especially given the timing. https://t.co/rtjNnF73wy
— Joyce Alene (@JoyceWhiteVance) May 31, 2018
And this thing Laurence Tribe tweeted:
Trump’s Dinesh D’Souza pardon today, on top of his pardons of Scooter Libby and Joe Arpaio, make sense only as an elephant-whistle to Michael Cohen & all who know damning things about Trump: protect me & I’ll have your back. Turn on me & your goose is cooked. More obstruction!
— Laurence Tribe (@tribelaw) May 31, 2018
Hey, while we're at it, how about ethics guy Walter Shaub?
Imagine if Nixon had been waiting with a stack of pardons for his Plumbers to return from the Watergate break-in. A president may not be above the law, but he has the power to put his henchmen above the law. That’s what Trump is telling Manafort & others with the D'Souza pardon.
— Walter Shaub (@waltshaub) May 31, 2018
Scooter Libby lied to the FBI about the outing of an undercover CIA agent. Pardoned!
Joe Arpaio told a federal judge to fuck off, but did it for REALLY RACIST REASONS, so in Trump's mind that's fine. Pardoned!
While D'Souza might be getting a "presidential" pardon from an illegitimate "president," don't you Wonkette readers go thinking we won't stop calling him a convicted felon, because that's what he is. See, it says right here in WikiPedia, at least for now:
We'll also continue calling him a lying racist asshole whose ass can't cash the checks his mouth writes, because he is also very much that. Recently, he thought it would be a good idea to attack the Parkland kids on Twitter, after which they promptly owned his ass, also on Twitter.
After the Charlottesville Nazi situation, where actual Nazis committed murder, D'Souza, an Indian-American immigrant, sided with the Robert E. Lee statue. Also after the Charlottesville Nazi situation, D'Souza went to a Costco and put his books about the Nazi Liberals on top of other books on the Costco book display to make it look like his book was SO FUCKING POPULAR it required the most gigantic of Costco displays, to feed the marauding hordes of Costco shoppers who wouldn't be satisfied until they got their hands on his very important book. Then he tweeted it:
Dinesh D'Souza is a "historian" who writes important "books" about how Nazis were actually secretly George Soros-loving gay liberals, because oh boy, they sure did fuck a lot. Oh, and he's been spreading a lie for a long time now that Soros was a Nazi collaborator, which is some unbelievable horseshit. Want some racist birther crap about how Barack Obama governed the way he did because he was "a captive of the ideology of a Luo tribesman"? Dinesh D'Souza is your guy!
D'Souza is also a specimen of the saddest kind of human, the kind that looks at Donald Trump and ... admires him.
Like, how low on the totem pole of life do you have to be to think Trump is a smart guy?
One of the saddest things about the Dinesh D'Souza crime spree was that afterward, he sincerely believed Barack Obama knew his name, and even more than that, somehow felt so threatened by the TRUTH FACTS in D'Souza's documentaries that he went after him for political reasons. This is laughable. In fact, we imagine that if President Obama sees President Cum Sock's tweet this morning, he'll have to do a quick Google to remind himself who the fuck we're even talking about right now.
But because D'Souza believes that conspiracy theory he made up, it stands to reason that President Cum Sock, a very stupid man, also believes it, so he is partially doing this in order to reverse yet another Obama thing. Heck, Ted Cruz, the most hated man with the most disturbing face in the entire United States Senate, thinks that explanation is legit!
Bravo! @realDonaldTrump Dinesh was the subject of a political prosecution, brazenly targeted by the Obama administration bc of his political views. And he’s a powerful voice for freedom, systematically dismantling the lies of the Left—which is why they hate him. This is Justice. https://t.co/cGHzcgwSnK
— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) May 31, 2018
This is America now.
How many more things can Donald Trump fuck up today before close of business? Well, the stock market is tanking right now because of his tariff announcement, so ... wait, what's this?
WASHINGTON (AP) — Trump says he's considering commuting sentence of ex-Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, pardoning Martha Stewart.
— Kyle Griffin (@kylegriffin1) May 31, 2018
Right, because if he pardons Democrats too, then he's not fucking with federal investigations into HIMSELF.
Everything is so stupid, gonna go hibernate until January of 2021.
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