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Don't you just hate when you get caught sexing a lady what is not your wife and pillow-talking all of America's classified secrets to her? Oh, you don't do that? Then you are not ex-hero Gen. David Petraeus, who used to be America's greatest patriot for winning ALL THE WARS and then being the boss of the CIA until resigning in disgrace for, oops, being a total disgrace to his country and himself, OOPS!


The former Real American Hero Patriot Hero said he was super sorry for boning his biographer, Army Reserve officer and home-wrecker Paula Broadwell (aka Not-Mrs. Petraeus), and revealing classified information to her, and he asked America to please MoveOn.org already. But gosh, the federal government sure does hold a grudge:

The F.B.I. and Justice Department prosecutors have recommended bringing felony charges against retired Gen. David H. Petraeus for providing classified information to his former mistress while he was director of the C.I.A., officials said, leaving Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr. to decide whether to seek an indictment that could send the pre-eminent military officer of his generation to prison.

Of course Petraeus has said he didn't do nothin' wrong when he was sexing his secret girlfriend, besides sexing his secret girlfriend, and he certainly didn't betray his country by giving her the launch codes or anything like that. But, huh, the investigators aren't so sure about that, ACTUALLY: [contextly_sidebar id="na6YrT8wVKolrZnrmtmVv1xFfagsS4B9"]

[I]nvestigators concluded that, whether or not the disclosure harmed national security, it amounted to a significant security breach in the office of one of the nation’s most trusted intelligence leaders. They recommended that Mr. Petraeus face charges, saying lower-ranking officials had been prosecuted for far less.

Boy, we sure would feel bad for America's greatest hero EVER if he ended up in prison for hating America. Oh, wait, no we wouldn't, because some of us olds remember when we were sent to our rooms without dinner for saying that he was not the greatest American hero ever, and then Fox "News" thought about maybe buying the White House for him:

Roger Ailes, the head of Fox News, even had a plan to make General Sexyfuntimes the president of these United States, and he sent one of his lackeys to meet with He Who Could Not Keep It In His Pants, back when he was winning all the wars, to ask if Fox could be even better at doing propaganda to America and if “there [is] anything Fox is doing, right or wrong, that you want to tell us to do differently?” And also something about how if Dave The Horny wants to be president, Roger Ailes will personally write ALL the checks for that because that's how fair and balanced journamalism works, ya know.

And we also remember how General Hot Stuff was all, "Ha ha ha, my wife would kill me if I ran for president," while he was jetting around the globe sexing his mistress and maybe betraying his country. No, seriously, that's what he said.

“My wife would divorce me,” he added. “And I love my wife ... We have a beautiful house. ... With his-and-hers bathrooms, believe it or not. I just want to live in it. I’ve never spent a night in it.”

Ha ha! Too bad you won't get to enjoy those beautiful his-and-hers bathrooms if you end up in the pokey for BETRAYING AMERICA, Dave. Or keep giving those speeches for lots of money because some people still care what you have to say about stuff, for unknown reasons.

At least some people will always think you are a real American hero, and you probably won't even get censured by the Senate. Probably. That should be some small measure of comfort while you're locked up and being ordered around for a change. And, although we aren't sure about this, we think the conjugal visits, if any, are limited to one lady, so during those intimate moments it will be just you and your inexplicably forgiving wife.

[NYT]

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