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Do You Have Suggestions On Asses Deserving Kicking?

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America! Have you been gritting your teeth forever and wondering "When? When will our president unleash his rage, his mighty, majestic rage, over this whole oil spill matter, on an unsuspecting populace?" Well, after the jump, we now have actual video evidence that this glorious day has finally arrived! Watch Barack Obama, after receiving an experimental dose of gamma rays, ripping off his clothes and using his rippling, mutated muscles to tear the entire BP board of directors limb from limb, then wading into the Gulf to punch the shattered wreckage of the Deepwater Horizon into submission!


Ha ha, just kidding, obviously, the video is of Brian Williams breathlessly introducing President Dorky McDorkison, sitting in front of a bunch of books like he was in a commercial for an ambulance-chasing law firm, ending a longish and earnest sentence about fact-finding about the oil spill by saying that he wants to know "whose ass to kick," in his nerd-voice.

Your morning editor was kind of shocked when Barack Obama was elected. Not because he was black (that was inevitably going to happen sooner or later), but because he was a cerebral intellectual -- a fucking college professor, for God's sake -- who'd rather have a logical discussion about problems than hug you and/or cry. Were Americans actually sick of a government run by the people who could best feign an immediate and visceral emotional response to problems for the teevee cameras? It seemed like they were, for, like, a second. But now there's an awful thing happening that makes everyone feel shitty and helpless, and ol' Hopey's handlers have clearly decided, after carefully reading the tea leaves, that he needs to get Brian Williams all excited about the fact that he's mad at the oil spill.

Say what you will about the administration's handling of the BP disaster -- and lord knows there's plenty to say -- but it's a complex engineering and organizational problem that will, if it's ever solved, be solved by a series of legal and engineering measures that most people can't or won't understand. Hopefully those are actually being worked on now, and fast! But, sure, putting the president on camera and having him whine about "ass-kicking" is probably a great use of everybody's time while we're waiting.

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