Coal CEO Don Blankenship Will Be A US Senator If It Kills Him. Or More Miners.
Just as he threatened to after coming in third in West Virginia's Republican primary for US Senate back in May, Don Blankenship announced yesterday he'll be running on the Constitution Party ticket this fall. There is the minor detail of West Virginia's "sore loser" law, which bars people who've lost a primary from running as an independent or with a third party in the general election, but the snot-huffing shabbaroon has that covered: He knows his candidacy won't be certified, so he's going to challenge the law in court, then probably go to Washington and demand to be seated anyway, because it's the will of the people. He knows things. Like how to murder miners. Things like that.
Blankenship, you'll recall, is the former Massey Coal CEO who spent a year in prison on a misdemeanor conspiracy charge stemming from the 2010 explosion at the Upper Big Branch Mine, which killed 29 miners. He insists he was a political prisoner, of course, just a POW in the federal government's War On Coal. Blankenship's entire campaign was a perpetual Airing of Grievances, so it's no surprise he's turned his cold, lifeless eyes to challenging West Virginia's law, too.
And golly gee, what a beautiful serving of word salad Blankenship's campaign announcement was! After boldly predicting his filing wouldn't be certified, Blankenship got to the good stuff:
The political establishment cannot retroactively enact laws that prohibit individuals who become members of some political parties from being on the ballot while allowing individuals who become members of other political parties to be on the ballot.
In case that "retroactively" bit leaves you scratching your head, that's a reference to some sloppy phrasing in the state's "sore loser" / "sour grapes" / "go away cocksplat, you already lost" law, which some legal scholars thought might offer a really litigious candidate enough room to wriggle through. We 'splainered it in some detail shortly after the primary when Blankenship started talking about yet another run. It's kind of tedious, and literally depends on a fine distinction between verb tenses in the statutory language.
Thing is, the West Virginia lege passed a bill to fix that law in March, well before the May 8 primary, so it's not exactly "retroactive" -- Blankenship is counting on general confusion here, since the law didn't go into effect until June. So obviously, it's all a plot by the Powers That Be to get him. Naturally enough, Blankenship knows who else rigged the laws against decent West Virginia Americans who think the Chinapeople are the issue here, dude:
This is what the Communist or Nazi party would do and is a perfect example of political party behavior that violates an American's guaranteed right to equal opportunity. It is a clearly discriminatory law and exactly what George Washington warned of in his farewell address.
Yes, how well we all remember Washington's farewell address, where he warned of the dangers of faction, entangling alliances, and corrections of inexactly worded statutes that might preclude a miner-killing billionaire from having his way with the electoral process.
Blankenship took to Mark Zuckerberg's Bulletin Board to explain -- with as much rambling as possible -- why his running on a third-party ticket wouldn't simply hand the election to the dreaded Democrat Joe Manchin by drawing support away from the actual winner of the GOP primary, West Virginia Attorney General Patrick Morrisey. It's because of George Washington, but also a bunch of other heroes like Jefferson, Washington, Madison, and Franklin, and also JFK, who just like Donald Trump had lots of sexytime but is still a great president (yes, he really said that). Besides, Don Blankenship is the only REAL conservative left alive in America, so if Morrisey loses to Manchin, no big deal!
Let me me clear: President Trump is doing all he can personally do to Make America Great Again. But he cannot do it with Morrisey, McConnell, or Manchin on his side, let alone with them against him. No one can Make America Great Again until the fools in Congress learn the difference between issues endangering America's very existence versus tabloid issues, like gossip and drama. Tabloid gossip and drama may get national television stations higher viewer ratings and more advertising dollars, but they will not save America, let alone make America Great.
He can't be a splitter because the Republican candidate is actually a godless Demmycrat, or something along those lines.
Blankenship closes with more bafflegab about Washington, who surely would have approved of government by the semi-literate fuckknobs, for the semi-literate fuckknobs:
He would agree that there is no way I can be kept off the ballot except to ignore the Constitution. By the way, George Washington also cautioned that ignoring the Constitution would put our most basic Human Right at risk, our right to "felicity". Yes, I had to look the word up.
See? This is what you get when you're so busy conspiring to skirt mine safety regulations that you miss one of the best college drama series ever.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.