Don Jr. And Vanky Will Decide America's Gun Policy, ThankYouVeryMuch
Rest easy, America, your gun worries are over! Princess Ivanka is on the case, and she'll make sure that Congress passes GUN LAW right away. Well, unless her brother Don Jr. wins this round and manages to convince Daddy that he'll lose Pennsylvania and Wisconsin if he enacts legislation favored by 97 percent of all Americans and 77 percent of gun owners. In which case, tough luck, kids.
Politico reports that, "Competing factions inside the White House have stymied efforts to unite behind gun legislation."
On one side is Ivanka Trump, the president's daughter and adviser, and Attorney General William Barr. Both are urging the president to back new firearms restrictions — including expanded background checks for gun sales — insisting he can be the leader who succeeds on an intractable issue that has bedeviled his predecessors and that he can win back moderate suburban voters in the process, according to people involved in the discussions.
On the other side, a group that includes Donald Trump Jr., the president's son and an avid hunter, and a top aide to acting White House chief of staff Mick Mulvaney, is telling Trump he risks losing support from his conservative base if he pushes too aggressively on new gun control legislation, they say.
One of these things is not like the other, one of these things doesn't belong. Well, two actually. But Ivanka is at least nominally "employed" at the White House as a "presidential advisor."
Astute observers will note that Donald Trump Jr., whom Trump has called his "gun expert," cannot be part of a faction inside the White House because he's a private citizen. But Deej opposes all gun laws and has teamed up with Mick Mulvaney to convince The Old Fool that even a token effort to save American lives will depress Republican turnout. They favor locking up sufferers of mental illness and expediting the death penalty for mass shooters. (Because of course they do.)
Last week Bill Barr was dispatched to shop a plan for expanded background checks in Congress, despite White House spokesman Higgleston Pigglesworth's loud insistence that, "That is not a White House document!" Without presidential support, none of the courageous Gippers was willing to stick his neck out. No, not even if Vanky called them personally to express her support for a vague, undefined GUN LAW. Because Princess is a very serious legislative thinker, doncha know!
And so Congress waits for Donald Trump to stop dithering and decide who wins this round of Stupid King Lear. But rest assured, Donald Trump has figured out whom to blame for the gun gridlock. That's right, it's that villain Jerry Nadler.
REPORTER: Mr. President, can you tell us why anybody should be allowed to buy a gun without a background check?
TRUMP: We're looking at it right now. We're studying it very hard. It's an issue that, frankly, Congress is wasting all their time on nonsense. We're studying it very hard. If Congress would ever get back to work, we could work something. But Congress is doing all of this nonsense, this garbage that they're doing. And I'll tell you what — they don't have any time. The Democrats in Congress are doing nothing. I'll tell you what: They're going to lose the election. You know why? Because they're not doing anything.
Not that it matters, but Democrats passed a background check bill in February and the Senate refused to even look at it. But whatever! No, what really matters is Dumb and Dumber's pathetic sibling rivalry and reading the mind of the mythical gunhumping Trump voter in Waukesha County.
AND THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.