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So! Where are we on unraveling the NO COLLUSION story of the two biggest fucking idiots in America whose names aren't Donald Trump? We speak, of course, of Roger Stone and Jerome Corsi.

Let's review real quick before we get to the breaking news, which is about Roger Stone's late night boner chats with Donald Trump (and yes, there is MANY MORE BREAKING NEWS, we will get to that, we only have TWELVE HANDS):

BRIEF RECAP TIME!

Wonkette had a full post yesterday on Jerome Corsi's plea deal from Mueller, the one he's rejecting, where he admits he lied to Robert Mueller about his efforts to get dirty scoops from WikiLeaks on what kinda hot Hillary bombshells Russia had stolen and given to Julian Assange. It had many twists and turns, but the story Corsi is stickin' to is that when Stone emailed him to say "Call your boy Ted Malloch in England and tell him to go see Julian Assange and Mr. Whiskers at the Ecuadorian embassy," and then emailed Stone days later (August 2) from his Italian honeysexxxx anniversary-cation saying, "Word is friend in embassy plans 2 more dumps. One shortly after I'm back. 2nd in Oct. Impact planned to be very damaging.…," that he didn't actually get that info from Malloch or from Assange. He simply figured out that the October dump would be John Podesta's emails, because he has a funny brain like that.

Who among us, upon figuring something out with our brain, doesn't start emails with the words, "Word is ..."? Doesn't everybody know that when you say it like that, you mean you got the word from YOUR BRAIN?

In that same email, Corsi said the "hackers" were all het up about Hillary Clinton's obvious stage four pancreatic gonorrhea sniffles, so it'd be good to start talking about Hillary Clinton's health. Weirdly enough, DONALD TRUMP started talking about Hillary Clinton's health a whole lot very soon after! Also weirdly, as Wonkette pointed out yesterday, is how that email reveals that Corsi and Stone knew full and goddamn well that they were dealing with HACKERS, and not with Seth Rich stealing DNC emails like they continued to lie about for approximately forever afterward.

Corsi went on the MSNBC Ari Melber TV show last night and he admitted to approximately a thousand crimes. (We will have a full post on that this morning from Five Dollar Feminist, yr Wonkette Lawyer With The Mostest!) He explained how his funny brain works -- this is the same brain that is so funny it thinks Barack Obama was born gay in Hindu-Muslim-O-Nesia -- and he basically said he has evidence that Stone perjured himself before Congress, after the two of them concocted a cover story to hide how they had the inside scoop (FROM CORSI'S BRAIN) on how WikiLeaks was about to dump John Podesta's emails. Stone told the House Intelligence Committee that shit! He said it with his mouth, which is below his incorrrectly shaped forehead!

ENOUGH OF THE RECAPS, LET'S TALK ABOUT TRUMP 'N' STONE'S SEXXX CHATS!

OK FINE! So during that time, Roger Stone was bragging his ass off about how often he talked to Donald Trump. Corsi told Ari Melber that he had NO IDEAR if Stone went and told Trump everything Corsi told him about WikiLeaks's upcoming plans, but the Washington Post reports that Stone and Trump indeed were doing a lot of talking at the time, late at night and off the books, with blocked numbers:


The calls almost always came deep into the night.

Yeah we bet they "came deep."

Caller ID labeled them "unknown," but Roger Stone said he knew to pick up quickly during those harried months of the 2016 presidential campaign. There would be a good chance that the voice on the other end of the line would belong to his decades-long friend — the restless, insomniac candidate Donald Trump — dialing from a blocked phone number.

AND THEN THE MURDERS PHONE SEX BEGAN.

In recent months, the Trump Organization turned over to Mueller's team phone and contact logs that show multiple calls between the then-candidate and Stone in 2016, according to people familiar with the material.

INNARESTING!

Stone told WaPo that he and Trump talked a bunch of other times too, on top of whatever is in the Trump Organization's phone logs, because sometimes Trump borrowed somebody else's ObamaPhone. Not sure why he admitted that, but ...

Anyway, one of their late night sexxx chats was on August 3, the day after he got Corsi's email. (NOW do you see why we did that recap?) What did they talk about? Dunno.

Stone said he never discussed WikiLeaks with Trump and diminished the importance of any phone records, saying "unless Mueller has tape recordings of the phone calls, what would that prove?"

Is that a fucking dare?

Also, let's play a game called "Roger Stone Knows What WikiLeaks Has. How Many Minutes Until He Jizzes It All Over Trump's Face?" It's an easy game to win. All you have to do is take everything you know about Roger Stone and estimate how long a craven brown-nosing fucksack like Roger Stone would wait to jizz secret WikiLeaks info all over Trump. If you said "probably not more than 48 hours," we are guessin' you win!

Let's see what former US Attorney Joyce Vance thinks:


Yeeeeeeeah.

Only Robert Mueller knows for sure how guilty Stone and Trump are, but we are guessing it's A LOT. Esepcially since, as Vance notes, Trump told Mueller he never heard about WikiLeaks from Roger Stone.

What a great blog post this has been, hold on WAIT UP MICHAEL COHEN PLEADING GUILTY FUCKING WHO WHAT NOW?

Guess we know what we're writing next.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

Keep reading... Show less
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