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Walkin' funny today.


Donald Trump, fresh off being impaled by the sword of the lady in the white pantsuit in Wednesday night's debate, did a rally Thursday. (Well first he got some Pop Tarts and cried on Twitter, baselessly, about how Hillary Clinton had the debate questions written on the back of her eyes or something. Pathetic. Then he did a rally.)

He had said a thing in the debate that was horrifying everyone -- even Republicans like 2008 presidential election loser and wussy dude who got captured, John McCain! -- about how, come November 9, he will "tell you at the time" and "keep you in suspense" as to whether he will graciously accept his dramatic, embarrassing loss to Hillary, and also too go to hell, never to be heard from again. Was that not the right thing to say?

Trump figured he'd better clarify, so when he took the stage at the debate, he fixed it.

To all of my voters and supporters, and to all of the people of the United States ... I will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election ...

Oh good, Wonkette's going to take a vacation until November 9, see ya wouldn't wanna be ya. Just kidding:

IF I WIN.

Cool. Know how some countries like Russia and North Korea have "elections" all the time, and strangely enough the people of those nations love their leaders SO MUCH ALL THE TIME that like 99% of the people vote for them and the other 1% are murdered, allegedly? We bet Donald Trump would be happy in those countries. He should move to there.

According to Nate Silver's election forecast, Hillary Clinton has an 86.2% chance of winning, and that's long before any polls reflecting the aftershocks from Wednesday night's Trump Shitshow have come out. Red states like Arizona and Georgia and Utah are actual battleground states.

But Trump will only accept the results if he wins. In that scenario, who would be the thin-skinned baby orange gargoyle #rigging the election, because he wasn't good or smart or appealing enough to win fair and square?

Lots of countries in Africa, like Sudan and Congo, have super-fake elections. Donald Trump would probably love to live in one of those places, except for uh-oh black people, Trump doesn't like them.

Dipshit McGoo say anything else at that rally?

I would accept a clear election result, but I would also reserve my right to contest or file a legal challenge in the case of a questionable result.

A "questionable result" like Donald Trump not winning? Ayup, OK, whatever, loser. Would it be "questionable" if he lost by five points? Ten points? Guess all the normal, good Americans better get out there and vote for Hillary in numbers never seen before in U.S. American history so we can make it "15 points," just in case.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/606144/coward-donald-trump-goes-to-mexico-too-big-a-pussy-to-demand-payment-for-his-wall"></a>[/wonkbar]Of course, he'll probably puss out on filing a challenge to the election results, just like he shriveled back from actually going after the New York Times, and just like his dick fell off and rolled into a storm drain when given the chance to talk to the president of Mexico about his precious border wall.

Hey, did y'all hear there's a new lady accusing Trump of groping her? Wheeeeee!

[ABC on Twitter]

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Since he's such a public-spirited guy, Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke generously offered to develop some land owned by his foundation in his home town of Whitefish, Montana, as a "Veterans Peace Park" where kids could go sledding in the winter and the goodly Volk could go to appreciate both veterans and, naturally enough, the BNSF railroad, which used to use the land as a gravel pit and which donated it to Zinke's "charitable" "foundation." (Zinke's foundation, it turns out, is like Trump's, if Donald Trump were just a bit more shameless.) So naturally, here comes Halliburton!

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Is there really a Blue Wave coming? Dunno! But hey, check out these polls!

(Yes, we know we got burned in 2016. And yes, we know polls this far out are no guarantee. What, you want another depressing story about baby jails? DIDN'T THINK SO. So come read these nice polls right now!)

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