Donald Trump Defeats Soviet Union, Builds Vietnam Memorial With His Bare Hands

Donald "I'm Donald Trump" Trump is basically the most amazing man who has ever lived, which you should already know by now, and if you don't you are an idiot because he tells us every day how amazing he is, why don't you listen to him, America? Listen to Donald Trump, he knows everything! His "I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it!"Also, he is one of the sexiest men on the planet. ("So true!" Trump said, so you know it is. ) And he didn't simply coin the phrase "America," he also built some of its greatest monuments, with his very own smart sexyTEN BILLIONAIRE hands, including the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in New York, because he's that kind of guy:  

Wow, did you know he did that? We did not know he did that. We only knew he defermented his way out of serving in Vietnam almost half a dozen times, like some kind of coward who doesn't love his country. But maybe that is why he built the Vietnam Veterans Memorial? Because he felt bad about that and wanted to honor Our Veterans? In which case, gee and gosh, that was nice of him.

And it must be true, because Donald Trump said so, but perhaps we should ask the Google, just to be sure. And oh hey, look what the Google found for us! It is aWashington Post  profile of Donald Trump from 1984. And oooh ahhh wow, it sure is interesting and educational and HI-fucking-larious!

For one thing, it seems that other than having upgraded mistresses and/or wives a few times -- Ivana used to "look terrific" and "have it," but that was ages ago -- Trump is pretty much the same guy he was three decades ago. Let us explore some examples of Trump's forever greatness, together.

Take ISIS, for example, which Trump has a secret plan to defeat . Turns out Trump isn't new to foreign relations at all; he's been thinking about how to beat the bad guys since 1984!

This morning, Trump has a new idea. He wants to talk about the threat of nuclear war. He wants to talk about how the United States should negotiate with the Soviets.

He wants to be the negotiator.

He says he has never acted on his nuclear concern. But he says that his good friend Roy Cohn, the flamboyant Republican lawyer, has told him this interview is a perfect time to start.

"Some people have an ability to negotiate," he says. "It's an art you're basically born with. You either have it or you don't."

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Sure, the Soviet Union was ultimately dismantled even without Trump's BEST IN THE WORLD negotiating skills, but the point is, hecouldhave defeated the Soviets and he can bring the same hypothetical genius to defeating today's enemies too. And surely, by now, he's learned all about how do missiles work:

It would take an hour-and-a-half to learn everything there is to learn about missiles . . . I think I know most of it anyway. You're talking about just getting updated on a situation.

Just give him 90 minutes and the latest sit-rep memo, and he's good to go and kick some ISIS ass. Or El Chapo ass. ALL the asses! 

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As for Trump's love of suing, or threatening to sue, pretty much anyone, anytime, for anything -- including making him look dumb on the Twitters? Yeah, he's always been that way, and humble too:

He recently brought a $500 million libel suit against the Chicago Tribune and the paper's architecture critic, Paul Gapp, charging that the critic "virtually torpedoed" Trump's latest real estate idea, a plan for the world's "tallest" building. [...]

"What I have done is build the most beautiful buildings in the best locations, and I'm 38, and I like to live in certain way. That whole combination leads up to something."

But back to our original question. Is Trump really responsible for building the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in New York, like he says? Well, he was co-chairman of the New York Vietnam Memorial Commission. But:

One official of the Vietnam commission, who has attended all the meetings, maintains Trump has been to only two or three out of 20 meetings. This was confirmed by another member of the commission. The first time he attended a meeting was to launch the commission, one source says, and the second was when he arrived with a reporter who was profiling him.

To this charge, Trump responds: "That's interesting. I'll resign then. They're very small thinkers. They're stockbrokers that were in Vietnam and they don't have it."

Yeah, what do some dumb loser stockbrokers who were in Vietnam know about anything, when they don't even Have It like Donald Trump, who Has It a billion times over and plated in gold? What losers!

Still, it would seem that contrary to his recent claim about the memorial, Trump didn't build that. No matter; he has done so many other great things for America, and given his 30-year" fantasy of becoming the U.S. negotiator on nuclear arms limitation talks," there's no question he is, now more than ever, The Man for the job of doing that:

See? Just ask Donald Trump.

[ Maeve Reston / WaPo ]