Donald Trump Doesn't Want No Short Mike Bloomberg 'Round Here
Presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg is short. We all know this. But he's not Lilliputian. According to my extensive research, Bloomberg's 5'8". That's the same height as Humphrey Bogart or Tom Cruise when he's wearing lifts. It's irrelevant anyway -- unless you're a shallow, vain wretch of a man like Donald Trump. The president is a known size queen and he's especially obsessed with Bloomberg's physical stature.
Trump taunted Bloomberg last night in a series of deranged tweets that should've triggered the 25th Amendment. He's upset because Bloomberg is using his billions to run ads reminding voters that Trump is mentally unfit to tie his own shoes let alone serve as president. He also believes Bloomberg has bribed the Democratic National Committee to help him rig the next debate.
Trump refers to Bloomberg as "Mini Mike" because he's observed that Bloomberg is short and he saw Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me once on a plane. Bloomberg was born this way, so it seems juvenile and wrong to mock him for it. I know it's not as egregious as taking Barron Trump's name in vain, but Melania Trump might want to consider that children are bullied because of their height every day. The president of the United States should set a better example instead of governing like Don Rickles at a celebrity roast.
It shouldn't surprise anyone that Trump is promoting a conspiracy theory that has no basis in fact. There's no evidence that Bloomberg has asked the DNC to accommodate his shortness, but even if he did, that's not even half as corrupt as asking a foreign government to smear your political opponent. It's the 21st Century and we don't actively marginalize people who are physically different. Short people can be president -- so can men of color and women. (That last one is still just a theory, but we stand by it.)
Trump gave another softball interview with Sean Hannity that'll air before the Super Bowl today. He talked some more about Bloomberg's height like the overgrown bully he is. What first pops into that demented mind of his when hears the name "Mike Bloomberg"?
TRUMP: I just think of little. You know, now he wants a box for the debates to stand on. OK. It's OK. There's nothing wrong. You can be short. Why should he get a box to stand on. He wants a box for the debates. Why should he be entitled? Does that mean everyone else gets a box?
This is how conservatives like Trump view affirmative action. Any perceived effort to "level the playing field" or remove a structural disadvantage against a group is just plain wrong. It's unfair and unAmerican. Bloomberg should just let his microphone poke him in the forehead while Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren point and laugh. Take away his pants and you've recreated a childhood nightmare.
"Does that mean everyone else gets a box?" You can dress up conservatism with all the fancy words from a William F. Buckley column, but that's the core of its moral philosophy. No, everyone doesn't get a box because not everyone needs a box. It's not that hard to comprehend ... or at least it shouldn't be.
Like Trump, Bloomberg is also running a campaign ad during the Super Bowl. Unlike Trump's, Bloomberg's ad is moving and worth watching.
It's impressive and bold of Bloomberg to embrace his anti-gun violence position before a Super Bowl audience that's predominately male. Trump's reportedly 6'3 but when it comes to moral conviction, he's the one who needs to stand on a box.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).