Cheaters for Trump


Sure, it's one thing to win the approval of neo-Nazis, the former grand imperial poobah of the KKK, and Scott Baio. But Donald Trump is also making inroads with Very Serious Republicans who are Very Serious about family values -- when they are not Very Serious about shoving their sticky wickets inside of ladies who are not their wives.

On Monday, Trump met with a motley crew of present and future political has-beens who have already endorsed him or will soon enough, once he and his associates are done smacking them into submission -- metaphorically, of course -- in exchange for two seconds of relevance. For example, disgraced former speaker of the House, failed presidential candidate, and moon colony advocate Newt Gingrich was there with his former mistress-slash-current wife, Mrs. Number Whatever So Long As She Stays Cancer Free:

The Gingriches were later swarmed by reporters and TV cameras.

Asked by The Hill for his main takeaway from the meeting, Gingrich replied: “The lunch was pretty good.”

On Tuesday, the incurable Newt clarified that he is not interested in an official gig in the Trump administration because he is "having a great time doing a lot of fun things." Uh oh, Callie, better get your parts checked for cancer just in case! Gingrich also said he's simply offering informal advice to the Donald, not that the Donald needs advice from anyone who isn't the Donald because GET A LOAD OF THIS:

"I think first of all, Trump is his own strategic brain," he said. "While he listens to many people I don't think in the traditional sense that he has any one adviser that's decisive in what he's doing."

Don't go choking on your own vomit just yet, though, because we aren't damn near done making you all kinds of ill. In addition to the Gingriches, there was another very special guest at Trump's very special lunch:

Trump did pick up one endorsement after the gathering. Former Rep. Bob Livingston (R-La.), who resigned from Congress in 1999 over an extra-marital affair, said he voted for another unidentified candidate last week but now is going all in for Trump.

Wow, we really thought we'd seen the last of family values champion and mistress-humper Bob Livingston back when we still rocked out to Nirvana and wore flannels with our Doc Martens. Disappearing from the face of the earth forever is what we'd do if we'd had to resign from Congress in disgrace, for sexing some lady who wasn't Mrs. Livingston, after impeaching the president for sexing some lady who wasn't Mrs. President.

Maybe Trump wink-wink not-promised Livingston a sweet gig in the Trump administration. Something low-level, though, since Livingston's endorsement wasn't what you'd call full-throated:

“I voted for somebody else, but I am really, really irritated by these people who think they are smarter than the American people,” said Livingston, referring to the “Never Trump” group of Republicans that’s trying to deny Trump the nomination.

[contextly_sidebar id="Wm98ALbVq4WaIjtwSw0geD3GBWZGFvpp"]Even though Trump wasn't good enough for Livingston, he's good enough for the rest of you idiots, so all aboard the Trump train. You can sit next to another luncheon guest and Trump fan and possessor of a cheatin' wang, Tennessee Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Abortion Clinic). DesJarlais is a whippersnapper compared with the other old fogies, plus he still has a job. (For now, hint hint, people of Tennessee.) We figure DesJarlais fit right in, though, since he's another great "pro-life" "family values" conservative who banged his own patients, tried to get out of paying child support, and only approves of abortion when its for ladies knocked up by one Scott DesJarlais. He's all in for Trump too, of course.

“I think it’s likely that he will get the majority of the delegates,” DesJarlais told reporters. “It seems more fun in the media to talk about what would happen if he didn’t, but I think his pathway is getting clearer. It would be foolish to ignore that.”

[contextly_sidebar id="j2DsyTxCN8igUXsl7yuQN8UYX3M8nAZl"]Yes, we've been told how foolish it would be to ignore Trump's popularity. There might even be riots! Or maybe Trump and his new friends who all have so much in common with him and with each other -- namely, that they are all adulterous hypocritical scumbags -- will do something crazy like diddle some chicks who aren't their wives. But only because they love America so much, right Newt?

[The Hill / The Hill again]

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