Donald Trump Finally Googles Bible Verses For Billionaires
The Yoogest Story Ever Told
Oh, thank the merciful heavens! Donald Trump has finally decided what his favorite Bible verse is. After insisting that it was just too private a thing to share with anyone, he's given it a lot of thought, and so, in an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network's David Brody, Trump explained that a section from the book of Proverbs has always been deeply meaningful to him:
Proverbs, the chapter "never bend to envy." I’ve had that thing all of my life where people are bending to envy."
This is almost too perfectly Trump: Turns out there's a part of the Bible that tells other people to stop being so jealous of Donald Trump, isn't that nice?
Except, of course, there's no actual verse in the Bible that says, "Never bend to envy." People looked it up as soon as he said it, and nope, it's not in any version of the Bible, at least not in that form. On his blog, Brody acknowledged that "the subject of envy does come up in the Book of Proverbs a few times. We're trying to get clarification about what chapter and/or verse he may have been referring to."
So maybe there's not a chapter in Proverbs called "Never Bend to Envy," not exactly, but why do people have to make a big deal about that? It might have been the title of a spy novel Trump read, but still, it's a good sentiment: You should stop being so envious of Donald Trump, or he will destroy you.
Brody told the Washington Post that eventually, the Trump campaign clarified that Trump was talking about Proverbs 24:1-2: "Be not thou envious against evil men, neither desire to be with them. For their heart studieth destruction, and their lips talk of mischief."
Which, as WaPo's Jenna Johnson points out, complicates thing further. In his original statement, it sure sounded like Trump was talking about all those people who've been envious of him, but would that make him one of the "evil men" the verse is warning about? Or has he had to avoid the temptation of envying evil men? When the Post tried to get some clarification on that, Trump's spokesgal, the unflaggingly perky Hope Hicks, didn't respond.
Trump did at least have other thoughts on what makes the Bible such a YOOOGE terrific great book, as encapsulated in this brief discourse on aesthetics:
You know, David, they say great art, like the Mona Lisa, some people, they look at it, and it doesn't look as great at the beginning and then they'll look at it, and by the time they see it many, many times it becomes the most, they can't take their eyes off it. Whereas art that's not great, you look at it and it looks beautiful at the beginning, but you don't, you get tired of it.
Gosh, that's deep, especially the part about art that isn't great. You could almost say the same of a political candidate who seems very flashy and impressive and entertaining, but who becomes grating after the 50th -- or even the third -- time you've heard the same disjointed insane stump speech. No one particular in mind as we say this, it's just a thought.
Trump went on about what makes the Bible unique, the most great and uniquest of all the great things that are special and great:
But the Bible is special. The Bible, the more you see it, the more you read it, the more incredible it is. And the more you, it's like a great, I don’t like to use this analogy, but like a great movie, a great, incredible movie. You’ll see it once, it'll be good. You’ll see it again. You can see it 20 times and every time you’ll appreciate it more. The Bible is the most special thing.
And with that, all discussion of Donald Trump and his great faith -- because he is a great believer, a great man of faith, and a huge fan of the Bible, such a great book -- is over. You will not question it, he already answered that question.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.