Trump Finally Has Coronavirus Testing Plan, For Himself, After Valet Tests Positive

NBC News reported Thursday that a personal valet to Donald Trump tested positive for COVID-19, but a White House spokesperson was quick to say that since then, both Trump and Vice President Mike Pence have tested negative. Trump told reporters that effective immediately, he and Pence would both be tested daily for the virus, an increase from what had been weekly tests.

The valet is a member of the Navy, said a person familiar with the situation. The Navy regularly details personnel to work at the White House in a variety of positions to take care of the president's daily needs, like serving meals, bringing him beverages throughout the day and ensuring that his clothes are ironed and his shoes are shined.

NBC News notes the White House hasn't said when the valet developed symptoms, or when Trump was last in contact with him, or whether his family was being held hostage pending further developments with the "president's" health. CNN reports a White House source says the valet started getting symptoms on Wednesday.

Predictably, Trump resorted to his instinctive reaction, insisting he barely knew the guy, as if the valet had been indicted. "I've had very little personal contact with this gentleman [...] I know who he is, good person, but I've had very little contact," said the Great Man at a photo op Thursday with Texas Governor Greg Abbott.

In private, Trump reportedly took the news with a bit little less equanimity:

After learning that one of his valets was infected, Trump became "lava level mad" at his staff and said he doesn't feel it is doing all it can to protect him, according to a person close to the White House.

We'll just assume Trump will now demand every serving of Diet Coke be run through a lab before he drinks it, or at least that Lindsey Graham take a sip first.

Speaking to the press, Trump seemed to suggest testing isn't all that important as the country starts giving up on trying to limit the spread of the coronavirus. After all, the valet was tested every week but still got sick, so why does anyone think testing makes anyone safer?

TRUMP: They do the tests, and it just shows you that the, the fallacy, what I've been saying: testing is not a perfect art. No matter what you do, testing is not a perfect art. So we test once a week, now we're gonna go testing once a day, but even when you test once a day, somebody could, something happens, where they catch something.

While noting he and Pence had both been tested Wednesday and Thursday, Trump also said "testing is somewhat overrated." At least for You People. But that's OK, he explained, because we're all now "warriors" in the sacred cause of pumping up the economy to get Trump reelected, and if a coronavirus bomb lands in your foxhole, or freshly reopened local bar, that's just how it goes. You should regret that you have but one life to give for your GOP GDP.

TRUMP: As I said, you know, I said yesterday, governor, all people are warriors in this country. Right now we're all warriors. You're warriors, we're warriors. You could be with somebody, everything's fine, and then something happens to that person and all of a sudden tests positive, and uh, we're all warriors together. I am, you are, we all are. It's what we were saying before, it shows the testing, we have the best testing in the world, and what happens in between when you got tested and just a couple of days later.

Missing from the Great Man's analysis was the real point of testing: Because everyone in close proximity to Trump was being tested, the White House was able to identify and isolate the valet instead of having him walk around infecting others.

On the other hand, there's no need to test people working close to each other in meatpacking plants, because they probably bring the sickness from home and what are you going to do with those dirty immigrants except hire more when a few end up dead? We need our anus burgers, and everyone knows that some warriors are just meant to be cannon fodder anyway, while you give the Generalissimo the very best protection possible.

Content moderation reminder: Please note that the comments policy remains in effect, and no, you should not go wishing a deadly respiratory infection on anyone.

[NBC News / CNN]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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