Well, Wonkers, we thought we had another half our or so before the Trump Clinton debate in St. Louis to finish gin and juice no. 1, but Donald Trump literally just broadcast himself on Facebook Live with Bill Clinton rape accuser Juanita Broaddrick; women who've alleged sexual assault against him, Paula Jones and Kathleen Willey; and Kathy Shelton, who was raped as a young teen, and Hillary Clinton was appointed her rapist's defense attorney.
I thought we all agreed Trump shouldn't be let near the nuclear codes? Ahem, y'all?
"Join me in St. Louis, Missouri - as I conclude my debate prep," sneers the heading on his Facebook Live video.
Debate prep? I don't need no stinking debate prep, rages Trump, a contemptuous (and contemptible) bully who's just been told "no."
You don't accept his apology, where he pouted, seethed and sulked? Then he's just going to have to hit you again.
Everything about tonight is going to be ugly.
See you at nine, unless we see you first.
9:05. "Hello, hello." Hillary Clinton nods but does not shake Donald Trump's filthy, tiny pussy-grabbing hands. Not a chance in hell.
First question: Hillary Clinton, I'm a teacher who is also undecided but also a black woman. Why is your opponent so filthy and the worst?
Hillary Clinton: Isn't he gross? I can be trusted with children. Also, here is some nice policy. Which I am good at. Unity!
Donald Trump: Me too. I am nice. 'America is a great country [...] I am a politician now. And my thing will be to make America great again.' That was an actual quote.
9:10. Anderson Cooper: No, Mr. Trump, the question was "are you a good role model?" We are talking about the pussy grabbing thing, answer up.
Trump literally answers that locker room talk, and also talk in the locker room, and too they were in a room that was a locker, and he does not cut people's heads off, like ISIS.
9:15. Hillary Clinton's tone is perfect. She is in fact not drinking Champagne straight from the bottle, though we wouldn't begrudge it. She is somber and sober about his unfitness for the presidency. She would be honored to serve us.
Donald Trump says it was just words, and he will help the African-Americans and the Hispanics. He does not bring up Bill Clinton -- just like, finally faced with the Mexican president, he did not bring up who'd pay for his magnificent wall.
Donald Trump is being such a pussy, he should grab himself.
9:18. Never mind.
9:22. Hillary Clinton says Donald Trump doesn't answer questions, or talk about policy, but instead of responding at all to the allegations about Bill or the woman whose rapist she (Hillary) defended (as a court-appointed attorney). Instead, she talks about all the people Trump insults. Mistake? Feels like it. Feels evasive, and like they couldn't figure out a reply at all.
Bill Clinton, though, looked admirably serious when CSpan cut to him, so that was better than ... I don't know, laughing?
So Trump brings up the emails and promises to prosecute her if he wins. #lockherup indeed.
Once again, after Martha Raddatz brings up the goddamn emails, Hillary fumbles. She says she was not careless, but Trump for once at least has some numbers, some short declarative sentences, is on target, and aggressive, and she offers up only "go to my website." So: no smackdown of the Bill Clinton question, and a "go to my website for fact-checking," along with some "oh Donald, I know you are trying to change the subject," when, at least at that moment, he wasn't.
Round two to Trump! Cue the ring-card girls! But have them protect the P.
9:35. Does Obamacare cover sniffles, Donald Trump?
9:40. Asked about Islamophobia, Donald Trump thinks neither Clinton nor Obama will say "radical Islamic terror." This is stupid, and also false, and also dumb as shit. Which is Trump in a nutshell.
HILLZ! BEHIND YOU! LOOK OUT IT'S ALIIIIIVE!
Uh oh. Trump leaned on a chair, which means he is dying.
9:50. Martha Raddatz: Hillary Clinton, these Wikileaks about "one policy in public and another in private." Is it cool to be two-faced?
Hillary Clinton: I was talking about Lincoln, and Spielberg, and trying to convince Congress of things. By the way, Putin loves Trump and that is why RUSSIAN HACKERS KEEP FUCKING HACKING SHIT. Also, tax returns.
All of these are true.
Trump: 'Now she's blaming the lie on the late, great Abraham Lincoln. Honest Abe never lied. That's the difference between Abraham Lincoln and you.' Let's be friends with Russia, also sniff.
Donald Trump says he has no loans from Russia. (Sniff.) Also, he does not have businesses, and does not in fact exist. Does Russia exist? Are we sure it isn't in fact a dream by a flea on a bird in another dimension?
Why didn't Hillary Clinton make him pay taxes and do something about the tax code? (She did.)
10:05. Hillary lists the ways she's been effective in public service over 30 years. She finally sounds comfortable. She built those.
And now she's on Syria, and the ways she would tighten a diplomatic net around Syria and Russia, like we did in Iran. She's in her comfort zone, which is knowin' shit and not having to defend her husband's rape allegations.
Trump rambles about Russia being awesome for about five minutes. 'Iran and Russia are now against us.' As opposed to ... when, like 1944?
Donald Trump says we're stupid to signal our attacks in advance, as opposed to Donald Trump saying he's going to bring up Bill Clinton next time, a week ahead of time.
10:18. Question from James Carter, undecided voter. (No, not Jimmy Carter's grandson who pulled Romney's 47 percent remarks.) Will you be a president for everyone?
Trump: It is now the second half of the debate, so I am no longer focused and am rambling like a fucking idiot about deplorables.
Clinton: Yes. Here are some nice things, that are very un-Trumpy. Here are some bad things, which are Trump.
Coop: Hillz, what about the deplorables?
Clinton: Here is a really good answer, because I am no longer fumbling. I don't have a problem with his supporters, I'm sorry I said that. My problem is with him, being a dick.
Trump: We have a divided nation because black people kill people. Obama. I am disgusting. "She has tremendous hate in her heart."
9:25. Supreme Court? Hillz: Minority voting rights. Citizens United. Roe v. Wade. Also, I WILL TOTALLY NOMINATE BARACK OBAMA. Pretty sure I didn't just make that up maybe.
Trump: Have you heard of this guy Scalia? The one Hillary murdered? Yeah, like him. I will have the most beautiful beautiful judges. Second Amendment. Hillary made money giving speeches, instead of raping the economy, many other things that have nothing to do with the Supreme Court, because I had a lot of time left after I didn't know anything about the Supreme Court.10:30. Coalminers, yes or no?
Trump: I will rejigger the plants for oil.
Me: What does that mean?
Alex: It means he will recombobulate it.
Country: Sniff.
Hillary: China is illegally dumping steel, and Trump is buying it. Many facts about things that I know, while Trump has lost his sniffle-high and is a marauding rambling moron. Climate change exists. Science and also facts and policies and let's not all die, HENGHHH.
Last question: Say something nice.
Hillz: His kids are only part-vampire. (She says it nicer.) Now he can say "Chelsea," about whom he's always been nice, saying he respects her (unlike most other women in the world).
Trump: WOW! An ACTUALLY GRACEFUL and gracious answer!
DONALD TRUMP JUST ADULTED YOU GUYS!
'I will say this about Hillary. She doesn't quit. She doesn't give up. I respect that. I tell it like it is. She's a fighter.'
And Trump ends on not only the high point of his campaign but possibly his entire benighted life. Who knew the man had it in him!
SO. Now it is over. And once again, Hillary had a stronger, more comfortable second half and an unsatisfying, evasive first half. Trump was surprisingly focused at the beginning but then lost focus and rambled more even as his sniffing somewhat abided. Still, a very strong absolute finish for him. And a warmer second half for Clinton, but we never got the smackdown we've been waiting for since Trump started threatening to bring up Bill's "situations."
BLUE BALLS. So to speak.
You don't have to get out, and you can stay here. See you in the morning!
