Trump GRRRR SO MAD! Let's Read The Whistleblower Complaint That's Making Him GRRRR SO MAD!

Have you seen how that assclown is behaving today? Christ. He's been mad-tweeting for HOURS. We saw him on the TV moments ago just screaming at the camera about how Adam Schiff is the enemy, his phone call with Ukraine was "perfect," he's not gonna do any nice things like "gun regulation" with Congress no more (he wasn't going to do that anyway), and then he farted out of his mouth a bunch of his pet conspiracies about Joe Biden.

Oh yeah, and Maggie Haberman reports that Trump said this at the United States Mission to the United Nations, which is, you know, an embassy. In other words, he was speaking to career diplomats:

"I want to know who's the person who gave the whistle-blower the information because that's close to a spy," Mr. Trump said. "You know what we used to do in the old days when we were smart with spies and treason, right? We used to handle it a little differently than we do now."

Ha ha, funny president, just calling whistleblowers "spies" and making hilarious jokes about executing them, HA HA.

Or, you know, not "ha ha" at all. What a fucking unhinged freak. He's literally talking about how members of his own staff who talked to the whistleblower should be executed for failing to cover up his crimes well enough.

Like we said in the headline, he is MAD.

Now that this morning's hearing is over -- we liveblogged it! -- let's read the whistleblower complaint together so we have a really good record of what President Snitches-Get-Stitches is so GRRR MAD about. We've already read a lot of it, and we referred to it in this morning's liveblog a lot, so we should be able to get through this EASY.

Ready? Let's go.

1:57: OK, first page, first full paragraph, we get the crux of it, which is that the whistleblower has "received information from multiple U.S. government officials that the President of the United States is using the power of his office to solicit interference from a foreign country in the 2020 U.S. election. This interference includes, among other things, pressuring a foreign country to investigate one of the President's main domestic political rivals."

That's ball game, folks! IMPEACH.

And then that section ends by fingering Rudy Giuliani AND Attorney General Barr as being part of the effort. PUT THEM ALL IN PRISON.

2:09: The very next lines:

The whistleblower did not witness most of this conduct personally, but rather "more than half a dozen" officials told him. (Yes, there's information on the internet starting to come out about who the whistleblower is. And yes, we have a feeling half of DC already knows who it is anyway.)

Whistleblower got information as part of "official interagency business," and this kind of information-sharing is "routine."

Whistleblower (let's call them "WB" from this point forward for easy typing purposes) says he trusts colleagues' accounts, partially because they all align with each other.

Many in the media right now are noting that this complaint is like a road map for impeachment, and this is one of the ways that it is. This WB's claims are easy to prove or disprove -- just talk to their sources! The intelligence community inspector general may have done some of that already.

Point is, there are WITNESSES.

2:16: At end of page 1, WB says part of why they're coming forward is because Trump's actions are dangerous to national security, and because they "undermine the U.S. government's efforts to deter and counter foreign influence in elections." YA THINK? Yeah, when Trump let Russia help steal him an election in 2016, it follows that him hitting up a different country to help him steal 2020 might pose a little bit of a problem!

2:19: Page 2, we get to the July 25 phone call between Trump and new Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskiy. WB acknowledges they didn't personally hear the phone call, but that's OK, we have a truncated and edited version of the transcript, and it completely lines up with what's in this report. (Republican idiots tried to draw a distinction between the two during this morning's hearing. It was stupid, and they have nothing.)

WB says, and the transcript backs up, the allegations that Trump spent the entire phone call extorting Zelenskiy to 1) investigate Joe Biden and Hunter Biden; 2) follow the bouncing ball of his conspiracy theories about secret Ukrainian plots to undermine HIM in the 2016 election; and 3) encourage Zelenskiy to work with Rudy Giuliani and Bill Barr on the scheme.

Bill Barr is knee deep in this shit. Five Dollar Feminist wrote you a whole article about it today!

2:33: In a footnote to the section about the call, the WB essentially says, "And no, I do not know why the fuck President Dipmouth thinks the DNC server is Ukraine, or if he knows what a server actually is."

Wonkette has not had time to dive into the deepest crevasses of Trump's syphilis brain to explain why Trump thinks "server" is in Ukraine, so here's a link.

2:37: Also on the phone call (page 3), according to the WB, and also according to the transcript, Trump encouraged Zelenskiy to keep the current prosecutor general on, because that prosecutor general had said some things that tickled Trump right on his taint spots.

And then it really gets good, because we're getting to the COVERUP. In essence, the White House -- the witnesses -- knew something very bad had happened on this phone call.

The White House officials who told me this information were deeply disturbed by what had transpired in the phone call. They told me that there was already a "discussion ongoing" with White House lawyers about how to treat the call because of the likelihood, in the officials' retelling, that they had witnessed the President abuse his office for personal gain.

At this point, we'd like to cut in to remind everyone that this was supposed to be a "congratulations" call to Zelenskiy. It shouldn't have been a thing of any kind! But instead Trump decided to abuse his power for 30 minutes and try to extort Ukraine into helping him win the 2020 election. He had already put their aid money on hold.

And people who heard the phone call were freaked. And they were telling White House lawyers, "WE WITNESSED CRIME," and, well ... you'll see what happens next.

2:44: WB notes the Ukrainian read-out of the phone call, which said Trump and Zelenskiy discussed "corruption" and the need to "complete the investigation of corruption cases that have held back cooperation between Ukraine and the United States." And what did Trump actually talk about the whole time? Biden and the conspiracy theories that live in his rank asshole about how Ukraine has TEH SERVER! That's what's "holding Ukraine-US relations back," in Trump's stupid fucking brain.

2:48: More on the direct witnesses to the call:

Policy people, the folks in the Sit. Room, they all witnessed the call, like normal. They didn't take extra security measures for the call because President Dumbfuck was supposed to just be saying CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW TITLE OF "MISTER UKRAINE"! But he spontaneously turned into a crime machine, like he does, womp womp.

Also a State Department guy name Ulrich listened to it. Hey Ulrich! GO TO CONGRESS RIGHT NOW.

Moreover, some other folks got readouts of the call. So ... more witnesses!

2:53: OK, a few minutes ago we said you'll see what happens next, and here is what happened next. Everybody knew something bad had happened, and so the coverup of records of the phone call begannedeth!

Just after the call, "senior White House officials" (WITNESSES) "had intervened to 'lock down' all records of the phone call, especially the official word-for-word transcript of that call that was produced [...] by the White House Situation Room."

AYUP. Know how we've been wondering about that transcript, and all the weird ellipses, and how it was far too short to be a true encapsulation of a 30 minute phone call? Now we want to know more than ever, especially considering how they controlled the part we saw, which was already fucking awful. Can't imagine what they deleted.

"This set of actions underscored to me that White House officials understood the gravity of what had transpired in the call." We bet they did.

AND THEN: "White House officials told me that they were 'directed' by White House lawyers to remove the electronic transcript from the computer system in which such transcripts are typically stored for coordination, finalization, and distribution to Cabinet-level officials."

White House lawyers ... like from White House counsel Pat Cipollone's office? OH FUCK, PAT. What have you done? You know, besides throw your professional reputation into a meat grinder in service of a criminal president, writing legal opinions in Congress's general direction that would make the dumbest first year law school students who ever lived LOL a lot?

So those were the people who were telling White House officials to start burying the phone call in the backyard. Nice.

3:06: So what happened to records of the call instead? Oh nothing, they just put it on a SECRET SERVER intended for only the most sensitive classified information.

"One White House official described this act as an abuse of this electronic system because the call did not contain anything remotely sensitive from a national security perspective." Very legal and very cool! Let's just put that "Congratulations, Ukraine President!" phone call next to, like, info about secret drone strikes and the nuclear codes." You betcha.

The whistleblower doesn't know if they took folks' notes away or anything.

But before we leave this, let's flip to the end to the classified appendix the WB included with the unclassified complaint:

"This is a standalone computer system reserved for codeword-level intelligence information, such as covert action."

But here's the best part. Because have you been wondering if Trump's convos with his daddy Putin and his favorite murder prince MBS and his love-letter penpal Kim Jong Un were also on the secret server?

"According to White House officials I spoke with, this was "not the first time" under this Administration that a Presidential transcript was placed into this codeword-level system solely for the purpose of protecting politically sensitive -- rather than national security sensitive -- information.

Holy shit. All Trump's worst traitor secrets are on that server, most likely. (At least the ones he committed while in office!)

We bet there's a lot more gonna leak out before this is all over and Trump (and maybe Pence!) resign in disgrace.


The day after the phone call, US Special Representative for Ukraine Negotations KURT VOLKER went to Ukraine to see Zelenskiy and a buncha other folks. Volker went with US Ambassador to the EU GORDON SONDLAND. According to readouts of the meetings, they "provided advice" on how to "navigate" all the extortion orders Trump had barked at Zelenskiy.

So there's some more witnesses and participants in the impeachable crimes. And to be clear, they are STATE DEPARTMENT witnesses, from MIKE POMPEO'S STATE DEPARTMENT. Looks like they were acting as Rudy Giuliani's handlers, TBQH.


3:21: Basically, a week after the phone call, Rudy Giuliani showed up in Madrid for a little crime session with a Zelenskiy adviser:

US officials told the WB that it was a "direct follow-up" to Trump's barking of extortion orders about the "cases" they discussed, which were about Biden and about the lost "server" Trump's stupid syphilis brain thinks is buried in Ukraine's backyard.

Moreover, Rudy was calling ALL OF UKRAINE about this, according to "multiple US officials." (Witnesses!)

3:24: A footnote to that section notes that Giuliani had been traveling to meet Ukrainians for quite a while, which supports the idea that this campaign had been going for a whole big long time.

The complaint then moves into "circumstances leading up to the call," going back to March of this year, when one of the stupidest wingnut conspiracy mouthpieces in Washington, The Hill, started mama-birding garbage up Trump's asshole about conspiracy theories about the 2016 election and about Biden. Specifically there were allegations from prosecutor general Yuriy Lutsenko, the guy Trump ordered Zelenskiy to keep on, because he's such a great guy, obviously.


Everything Donald Trump believes is bullshit, and the fucker will believe anything as long as it props up his low-self-esteem weak chickenshit fuckbaby victim complex.

3:30: A long footnote tells us about the Ukrainian prosecutor general Trump loves so much, the one who filled his numbskull little stupid head with all the fantasies he currently believes:

1. Yuriy Lutsenko, who has indeed been removed by President Zelenskiy as of August 29 of this year, was a prosecutor general with no legal training.

2. The thing about the former ambassador Marie Yovanovitch having a "do not prosecute" list and preventing Ukrainians from going to DC to give their very real "evidence" about Ukraine rigging the election for Hillary? None of it happened, according to ... Lutsenko, who admitted it.

3. He also admitted he didn't have any incriminating evidence on Biden, which meant he had nothing to share with Bill Barr. WOMP WOMP.

At the bottom of that footnote, the WB ties this to Bill Barr's "investigate the investigators" probe of the "origins" of the Russia investigation, citing Rudy Giuliani saying on Fox News on August 8 that US Attorney John Durham, whom Barr tapped to lead the probe, was "spending a lot of time in Europe" on account of how he was "investigating Ukraine." The WB says they don't know how much Giuliani and Barr (or Durham) are really coordinating, but we bet they are.

3:38: Five Dollar Feminist is going to have a whole piece this afternoon on the Rudy stuff -- here it is! -- but there's even more on page 6!

Oh cool, Rudy Giuliani, the "Yuriy Lutsenko" of the United States, met with Yuriy Lutsenko, the "Rudy Giuliani" of Ukraine, a couple times earlier this year, and he also Skyped with another former prosecutor general, Viktor Shokin. Totally normal. And on April 25, Trump, having had all this bullshit information successfully uploaded into his asshole, said Lutsenko's wild-ass claims, which Lutsenko later admitted were bullshit, were "big" and "incredible" and BILL BARR COME OVER HERE LOOK AT THIS.


3:46: The rest of the primary complaint is a tick-tock of Rudy Giuliani's activities, mostly. That ambassador Yuriy Lutsenko was so mad at indeed did get recalled, which made Rudy SO HAPPY "because she was part of the efforts against the president." You know, because apparently she didn't believe all the conspiracy theories Lutsenko was shoveling up Trump's butt, and said so out loud.

It notes that on May 9, the New York Times reported Giuliani was going to Ukraine to work on getting them to gin up fake investigations to help Trump, and Trump was totally in on it. We reported on a lot of this stuff as it was happening, before anybody was really paying attention to this "Ukrainium One" bullshit. (it's why FDF coined "Ukrainium One" months ago!)

3:52: Here's what the WB was hearing from American officials:

In mid-May, "multiple US officials" were "deeply concerned" about Rudy Giuliani's personal conduct of American foreign policy in Ukraine. They told him Volker and Sondland (SEE ABOVE, the ones who went to Ukraine to tell Zelenskiy how to obey Trump's extortion demands, allegedly) were talking to Rudy to try to do damage control. According to the WB, some of those guys' contacts with Ukrainians were sort of an effort to help Ukraine "respond to the differing messages they were receiving from official US channels on one hand, and from Mr. Giuliani on the other."

We guess that probably became a moot point, once the "official channel" of Donald Trump's mouth hole started extorting Zelenskiy directly on the phone, feeding him whatever stool samples Rudy Giuliani had collected on his investigatory adventures.

3:55: Continuing with that same excerpt above, we note that officials were telling the WB that Trump was signaling that he'd only talk to Zelenskiy on the phone if he "showed willingness to play ball" with the dingleberries Trump and Giuliani were obsessed with, i.e. investigating Biden and imaginary 2016 election inteference from Ukraine.

3:57: The last three lines of the complaint read like three text lines that might flash on the frame at the end of the movie that'll eventually be made about the end of Donald Trump's presidency and whatever happens after that, right after they show Trump being led off in chains:

On June 13, Trump told George Snuffleupagus he really wanted to do NO COLLUSION with another government to win in 2020.

On June 21, Giuliani mob-tweeted about Zelenskiy's apparent failure to investigate his and Trump's brain hallucinations about Joe Biden.

In Mid-July, the WB learned that suddenly there was a hold on aid for Ukraine that had already been approved by Congress.


And then the credits roll.

We're not done yet, though, there's a short appendix.

4:01: OK, classified appendix! It goes directly into the Ukraine aid issue, and raises questions the WB says could be part of the extortion, but might not be. Point is, THEY ARE A ROAD MAP FOR FURTHER INVESTIGATION.

May 14, or around there, Trump told Pence not to go to Zelenskiy's inauguration and sent dumbstupid Rick Perry instead. It continues:

According ot these officials, it was also "made clear" to them that the President did not want to meet with Mr. Zelenskyy until he saw how Zelenskyy "chose to act" in office. I do not know how this guidance was communicated, or by whom. I also do not know whether this action was connected with the broader understanding, described in the unclassified letter, that a meeting or phone call between the President and President Zelenskyy would depend on whether Zelenskyy showed willingness to "play ball" on the issues that had been publicly aired by Mr. Lutsenko and Mr. Giuliani.

Uh huh.

The whistleblower isn't saying this was part of the extortion, but they're not NOT saying it, because DUH.

4:07: And then finally more from the WB about the extortion in mid-July, about how everybody was caught off guard when they found out that "earlier that month" Trump himself had "issued instructions to suspend all US security assistance to Ukraine. (?!?!?!)

OMB didn't know WTF was going on. Neither did NSC. OMB made sure everybody knew this direction came specifically from Trump, but they "were unaware of a policy rationale."

And finally:

As of early August, I heard from US officials that some Ukrainian officials were aware that US aid might be in jeopardy, but I do not know how or when they learned of it.

Uh huh. Wow.

All right, Congress, you know what to do! This motherfucker belongs in prison, and please take Mike Pence with you.

Nancy Pelosi will make a fine American president for eight minutes before Elizabeth Warren is inaugurated.


[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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