An unhinged wannabe fascist who tweets about golden showers did a news conference in the Rose Garden this afternoon. Also, Donald Trump was there.

Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro is in town, and everything about today's public appearance with Trump and Bolsonaro has been real stupid, just like how it was real stupid when Bolsonaro's stupid son was the stupid guest of honor the other night at a stupid Steve Bannon event at the stupid Trump trash palace hotel in DC.

During their pool spray, Trump excitedly told reporters that he was making plans to give NATO privileges to Brazil, because of how Brazil elected a big gross dipshit just like America did. Of course, considering how Trump treats actual NATO countries, Bolsonaro might want to reconsider whether he wants that.

Then a reporter asked him about his blubbering whiny-ass attacks on John McCain, who is still dead.

[ia_video https://s3.amazonaws.com/roar-assets-auto.rbl.ms/runner%2F9683-trumpmccain.mp4 source="https://s3.amazonaws.com/roar-assets-auto.rbl.ms/runner%2F9683-trumpmccain.mp4" autoplay=true feedbacks=true shortcode_id=1553024809776 expand=1 ]

That's right, Donald Trump didn't even avoid the question about his very embarrassing behavior. He spoke about McCain as if McCain were still alive, whined about McCain killing Obamacare repeal, and concluded by saying, "I was never a fan of John McCain, and I never will be." As for McCain, he will continue living rent-free in the president's nightmares and his face will be the face of Trump's insecurities, because we guess that's what happens to John McCains when they die.

But enough about the pool spray! After they met in the Oval Office and did whatever fascists who should be prohibited entry to the White House via an electric doggie fence do (sniffed each other's butts, probably), they entered the Rose Garden and proceeded to hike their legs on democracy some more.

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Trump told the reporters how excited he was to see Bolsonaro, because they have "many views that are similar" (they're both absolute fucking psychos), then he said he was going to somehow launch all the Space Force rockets from Brazil or something, because Brazil is right by Equator. Honestly, we have no fucking clue what he is talking about, since Space Force is never ever going to fucking happen.

Then Brazilian Trump talked, and HOO BOY.

[ia_video https://s3.amazonaws.com/roar-assets-auto.rbl.ms/runner%2F9685-bolsonaro.mp4 source="https://s3.amazonaws.com/roar-assets-auto.rbl.ms/runner%2F9685-bolsonaro.mp4" autoplay=true feedbacks=true shortcode_id=1553025832648 expand=1 ]

Brazil and the United States stand side-by-side in their efforts to ensure liberties, in respect to traditional family lifestyles, respect to God our creator, against the gender ideology or the politically correct attitudes and against fake news.

That sound you just heard was the love child of Mike Pence and Donald Trump being birthed by one of Devin Nunes's love cows. (It is a very uncomfortable big moo sound, as she did not even know she was pregnant with that alien.)

And then it was time for questions from journalists! Excuse us, "journalists." Here is Trump calling on a Daily Caller idiot.

[ia_video https://s3.amazonaws.com/roar-assets-auto.rbl.ms/runner%2F9686-trumpdevin.mp4 source="https://s3.amazonaws.com/roar-assets-auto.rbl.ms/runner%2F9686-trumpdevin.mp4" autoplay=true feedbacks=true shortcode_id=1553026476766 expand=1 ]

We will make up a fake transcription now:

DAILY CALLER IDIOT: Here is a question about liberals doing court-packing, so you can say some canned bullshit.

TRUMP: Some canned bullshit.

DAILY CALLER IDIOT: Whine about Devin Nunes's hilarious lawsuit against internet cows, and say some stuff about how internet cows are doing the Holocaust to conservatives on Facebook and Twitter, in general.

TRUMP: WHIIIIIIIIIIIIINE! Also I have lots of followers on Twitter, and the real COLLUSION is between Twitter and internet cows, against conservatives.

One more, with Trump bragging about how, despite how "the networks" and the "fake news" are doing NO COLLUSION against him, still a solid minority of people vote for him and for the GOP, which is why they "win." Also, he's super excited that Jair Bolsonaro says "fake news," just like Mister President of America says!

[ia_video https://s3.amazonaws.com/roar-assets-auto.rbl.ms/runner%2F9687-trumpfakenews.mp4 source="https://s3.amazonaws.com/roar-assets-auto.rbl.ms/runner%2F9687-trumpfakenews.mp4" autoplay=true feedbacks=true shortcode_id=1553026678896 expand=1 ]

And that was it!

It was one of the shortest news conferences he's ever had, literally nothing of consequence happened, yet it still managed to be a complete waste of time.

So we'll just call Trump's playdate with his Brazilian buddy a total loss, just like his presidency, just like his face, just like his sad fucking life.

Know what's not a total loss? Your open thread!

[videos viaAaron Rupar]

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