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Looks like we all have to start taking Donald Trump seriously now, because his campaign has posted a very serious position paper on immigration that explains how Donald Trump would make all the scary immigrants go back where they came from and never rape and murder us anymore like they have been, and he finally revealed how he would make Mexico pay for The Wall. Also, it would Make America Great Again, which is an important component of the plan's inevitable success.


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The most important thing to know about Trump's immigration plan is that it will build the best wall ever, a beautiful major wall that will put all other walls to shame. And in a change from Trump's previous vague insistence that Mexico would definitely pay for the wall because he would make them pay for it, this version includes a detailed explanation of how it would work: he would make Mexico pay for it, or else. This is definitely progress. And what would he do to make them pay for the wall? Simple! He'd jack up prices on Messicans coming into the U.S.:

Increase fees on all temporary visas issued to Mexican CEOs and diplomats (and if necessary cancel them); increase fees on all border crossing cards – of which we issue about 1 million to Mexican nationals each year (a major source of visa overstays); increase fees on all NAFTA worker visas from Mexico (another major source of overstays); and increase fees at ports of entry to the United States from Mexico [Tariffs and foreign aid cuts are also options].

We aren't accountants, but we have a feeling that fee increases might not cover the estimated $23 billion needed for finishing the fence system envisioned by the 2013 immigration bill -- a fence that would surely not be as yooge or tremendous as what Donald has in mind. Ah, but there's one other way President Trump would get the money: by impounding "all remittance payments derived from illegal wages." Easy-peasy! The plan doesn't quite detail how Trump would impound cash payments in the underground economy, exactly, but we suppose we could create a lot of jobs by hiring a federal guard to watch over every single Western Union outlet in the country. It would be so tough, you wouldn't believe it. And Mexico would pay their salaries.

Also, Trump's plan would make sure that we "Defend The Laws And Constitution Of The United States." And to that end, Trump promises that he would "end birthright citizenship" so there'd be no more anchor babies. The document doesn't mention that birthright citizenship is kind of written into the 14th Amendment, but it's definitely a terrible idea, and a Trump administration will respect the Constitution by trashing part of it. You'll be surprised how well that will work out. It'll be beautiful, because only people who are born here legally will be born here legally, and it will stop the Guatemalan preschoolers from taking all our glitter and macaroni-art crafting jobs.

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Trump would also crack down on the enormous abuses of our excessively generous refugee policies, which exist largely in rightwing imaginations, by making sure that people really deserve to be refugees. And then he'd use "the monies saved on expensive refugee programs to help place American children without parents in safer homes and communities, and to improve community safety in high crime neighborhoods in the United States." Refugees are pretty unsightly, with all those handcarts and rags, and America does not need that. If people can't afford to live here, they have no business being refugees.

And while the policy paper didn't say anything about deporting all of the estimated 11 million undocumented immigrants in the U.S., Trump promised again, on NBC's Meet the Press Sunday, that he would deport every single one of them, and them maybe let some of the "good ones" back in. Presumably, he'd make Mexico pay for that, too.

As a further step to discourage illegal immigrants, the poem on the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty would be replaced with an electronic signboard that would display a different passage from The Art of the Deal each day.

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The plan was received with near-orgasmic delight by Trump's fellow performance artist-provocateur Ann Coulter, who is in such deep love that she wants to mate with the document and give birth to a whole litter of tiny position-paper/Coulter hybrids that would grow up one day to rule the ash-strewn remains of the North American continent:

For a fun kids' project to commemorate the arrival of this new Magna Carta, we suggest printing out the PDF file of the Trump immigration plan, then using a wood-burning pen to brown the edges and make it look real old. Truly a family heirloom to be treasured for ages.

As for how closely he'll hew to "his" immigration plan (dare we suggest he didn't pen every single word of it on the finest vellum, with a classy quill pen? Yes, we dare), Trump is already making clear that he doesn't really think anyone but journalists gives a rat's ass about what's written in the thing:

In a press conference Saturday, he downplayed voters' interest in such policy specifics, calling them a preoccupation of the press.

"I think the press is more eager to see it than the voters, to be honest," Trump told reporters in Iowa Sunday. "I don't think the people care. I think they trust me. I think they know I'm going to make good deals for them."

So don't be surprised if, when some menstruating irrational journalist asks him about details of the plan at a debate, Trump doesn't bother talking about that stuff. America loves Trump, it doesn't love policies. Just as long as he promises to keep sticking it to the Messicans, that's all we need to know.

[Trump For Philosopher-King / Reuters / Mediaite / CNN]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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