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Donald Trump sat down with Fox News's Chris Wallace Sunday for a monologue that was occasionally interrupted by questions from Wallace. We were astonished that the interview only ran 13-some minutes, because it seemed so much longer, in terms of life opportunities lost. Let's catch some highlights!


The Convention Will Not Be Brokawed

[contextly_sidebar id="I4j2LJLMj6FMzWYA4VD7zGmSY7cjWPlP"]Trump warned that Republican leaders who hope to steal the nomination from him at a brokered convention are sadly mistaken, my friend, sadly mistaken, because he is an unstoppable force of nature, and Hurricane Trump has no plans to stop blowing hard:

I think they're making a big mistake, number one. I think I’m going to be the one that beats Hillary. You know, the Fox poll, your own poll came out and said I beat Hillary rather easily. I think they are rather kidding themselves. I’m leading in virtually every state [...]

They’re kidding themselves, I’m going to win. I think I’m going to win. You know, I’m not one of these other guys that goes down. I don't go down. I go up. My whole life has been about winning. I’m going to win.

After the commercial break, Wallace noted that Trump was right about a Fox poll showing him beating Clinton -- nearly a month ago.

Trump did at least make a cute little "apology" to the Republican establishment, acknowledging that "I wasn't supposed to be here" and expressing his regret that he's the Unbeatable Champion of Forever:

I say, folks, you know, I’m sorry I did this to you, but you've got to get used to it. It's one of those little problems in life.

Now, I'll see whether or not I’m being treated fairly. I want to run as a Republican. I’m a conservative guy. I have great ideas. I’m going to make our country great again. I’m going to make it great again. It’s a mess.

Trump then went on to predict that once he's president, "I think if I win, in two years after I win, I think we're going to have the happiest people in the world, OK?" Because he's simply that awesome. We'll probably get sick of being so happy and beg for the occasional sad day, but Trump has our interests in mind, and he won't allow it. Just get ready for that, OK?

Yes, He's Still 'Serious' About That Muslim Thing

[contextly_sidebar id="0H7p54VlOos6YzFgdY3Kjxbi7dchisEx"]Wallace bravely tried to suggest that Trump's plan to exclude Muslims from entering America was maybe just the teensiest unrealistic (leave aside unconstitutional and morally reprehensible). It would be quite simple, and necessary to exclude even Wallace's suggested example, "a Canadian businessman who is a Muslim. Are you saying they can’t come in?"

Trump: There's a sickness. They're sick people. There's a sickness going on. There's a group of people that is very sick. And we have to figure out the answer.

And the Muslims can help us figure out the answer.

Donald didn't explain why, if Muslims are so rife with sickness, we could trust them to help us figure out what's wrong with their sick community. In reply to a clip of Paul Ryan suggesting that Trump's "idea" would violate the Constitution, Trump was Trump: rather than answer the question, he reminded viewers that Ryan is "Very, very weak on illegal immigration, big on amnesty, very, very bad on our southern border, let people pour in." Constitution? What Constitution? Trump laughed off the suggestion that he sounded like a fascist, dismissing Chris Freaking Wallace as too "politically correct" to admit that Trump is right.

As for the practical question of how President Trump would screen out Muslims, he explained it would be quite easy: All you need is a police state:

You have a surveillance system and you check things, you have papers, and you have documents, and you go through a process, which we don't do well right now.

Besides, Trump works well with Muslims, it'll be easy, they'll help us figure out what the hell is going on. At least his trusted Muslim business partners will.

What About Ted Cruz Outpolling Trump In Iowa?

In what may have been the interview's best laugh lines, Trump repeatedly dismissed Ted Cruz as too abrasive:

Trump: Look, I don't think he's qualified to be president

Wallace: Why not?

Trump: Because I don't think he has the right temperament. I don’t think he’s got the right judgment.

Wallace: What's wrong with his temperament?

Trump: When you look at the way he's dealt with the Senate, where he goes in there like a -- you know, frankly, like a bit of a maniac. You never get things done that way.

Trump explained that he's rich and successful, while Ted Cruz doesn't get along with other people:

You can't walk into the Senate and scream and call people liars and not be able to cajole and get along with people. He'll never get anything done. And that's the problem with Ted.

Said the man whose Muslim-banning plan has literally not been endorsed by a single Republican in the House or Senate.

In reply to Trump's remarks, Cruz Tweetered a music video to show that there were no hard feelings:

Just think, we could be looking at four to eight years of that wit.

Did Trump Say Anything Stupid About Hillary Clinton?

He sure did! After refusing to even let Wallace talk about polling that showed him with high unfavorable ratings among women, blacks, and Hispanics, Trump explained that beating Hillary Clinton will be a cinch once he goes through the trivial process of winning the nomination. For one thing, she made fun of him, which is simply unspeakable, and said he was dangerous. What a laugh!

I’m dangerous. She's the one that caused all this problem with her stupid policies. You look at what she did with Libya, what she did with Syria. Look at Egypt. What happened with Egypt, a total mess. They don’t back -- we don’t back any of our allies.

You look, she was truly, if not the -- one of the worst secretaries of state in the history of the country. She talks about me being dangerous. She's killed hundreds of thousands of people with her stupidity.

That was a little much even for Wallace, who asked Trump to show America what part of his colon that number came from:

Wallace: What do you mean she's killed hundreds of thousands?

Trump: She was secretary of state. Obama was president. The team -- two real geniuses --

Wallace: Right, but killed hundreds --

Trump: Two real geniuses, of course. Look at what happened. The Middle East is a total disaster under her. [...]

Look at -- look at Libya. Look at Benghazi, our ambassador. He wired her 500 or 600 times asking for help. She'll take her friends' call every time.

So there you go! Hundreds of thousands dead!

Get ready for the next couple of news cycles to be devoted to fantastical statistical analyses "proving" that all the deaths in the Middle East have in fact been caused by Hillary Clinton, whose murder toll at Benghazi has suddenly jumped from Four Dead Americans to several hundred thousand. Maybe more, if you count the thousands of Muslims who were dancing in the streets of New Jersey on 9/11 but have since vanished without a trace.

[Fox News / Fox News poll / RawStory / ABC News]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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