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If it's Thursday, it's a fine time to reflect on some of the carefully chosen words of our president, Donald J. Trump, to see what we can learn from his wisdom.

Trump did one of his many photo-ops in Texas on Wednesday -- which is mighty brave of him, considering how scary he thinks it is down there (don't worry, he was there for fundraisers) -- and while there, he shared some wisdom about the state of Texas, which is big, have you heard it's big?



They think Houston's, you know, half a mile away, but it's 300 miles! And it's desert! [...] You look at it, I mean, the state is tremendous. We don't see that. You know, I come from New York -- you have 5th Avenue and that connects to Park Avenue, and it's not too far away. But this is hundreds of miles between places!

VERY GOOD JOB, MISTER PRESIDENT.

OK, so the president is a New Yorker, and this is (theoretically) his area of expertise, since Trump Tower is literally on 5th Avenue. But 5th Avenue does not actually connect to Park Avenue. That's two streets over, parallel, and there's a Lexington Avenue in between. But let's not be nitpicky, because that's probably what he meant, and distracts from his larger point, which is that a lot of people didn't know Texas is really big, but he just found out Texas is really big. Like, to get from one place in Texas to another place, you are definitely going farther than the two blocks down 57th Street you have to walk to get to Park Avenue, except for how Trump takes a chauffeured car those two blocks, due to his chunk body and his bone spurs. These are just #CartographyFacts, and the president of the United States #KnowsThem.

Got it. Texas = BIG.

This is almost as insightful as the time Donald Trump said George Washington would never make the big time if he didn't name his house "George Washington's House," instead of something dumb like "Mount Vernon." And Trump was right, because nobody has ever spoken the name George Washington SINCE HE DIED. Or named the nation's capital after him.

Nope.

Let's look at other #TexasFacts with Donald Trump. This is what it's like to live along the border, he says:


Also they come in and raid their houses, and it's very dangerous, and they're told never to leave their house at night, and during the day always carry a gun and know how to use it, and where they have their fences, because these are big ranches, never go near the gate unless you have two people, and especially at night, and make sure both of you are carrying a weapon, a gun. And I said, nobody's ever told me this! [...]

Nobody's ever heard this!

LOL, nobody's ever heard this because nobody's ever fucking said it.

Of course, Trump had human props handy to tell stories of how they were all MURDERRRRRED at night by scary MS-13s because they live along the border (but don't worry, they got better), but that's just not how it actually is along the US-Mexico border. For what it's actually like down there, here are five stories we picked at random off Google. Or you could, you know, talk to some people who live near the border.

Want one more video? Here is Trump bitching about wanting to send the military to the border, but whining because they can't act like the normal military, because if they got "a little rough," everybody would "go CRAZY."

In summary and in conclusion, the president's brain is working just as well as it did last week. OR IS IT?

We don't know, it's too hard to tell. Still a lying fuckin' racist, though.

[videos via Aaron Rupar]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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