Donald Trump, Lying Carly Fiorina And War On Christmas RAGE! Your Weekly Top Ten
Your Christmas Wonkette Baby will overtake you with Christmas cuteness.
Oh hi, Wonkers, are you ready for the official War On Christmas week? Have you polished all your Festivus poles and candy-cane dildos, to wave at all the nice fundamentalist Christians who are just trying to go to church to get Baby Jesus's autograph? Or maybe you are just resting your weary bones, sipping some hot cinnamon mocha liquor nog, like you do during the holiday season, and also most other days of the year. Well sit a spell and catch up on your special Wonkette Christmas Weekly Reading!
Two things first, though: Have you subscribed to yr super-fast-like-lightning AD-FREE WONKETTE yet? Oh yeah, kids. You get to look at yr dick jokes and your quality journalism, WITHOUT it crashing your browser, for the low low price of "dollars"! Click here to see how!
Another thing you can do is just throw us some general dollars, to feed the Wonkette children (the writers) and the Wonkette babby (the baby) and also the Wonkette Media EMPIRE for the War On Christmas. So click here and give us $5, $10, or $25, as a special Santa present! Remember, you can even use your Love Offering to give a special "just the tip" to me, yours truly, the "Evan" one, or to the "Kaili" one, or to the "Dok" one. Or all of us!
Now! We are pretty sure that, before you read your weekend top ten stories and memorize them to tell your Sunday School class, you want to see more Christmas pictures of Ms. Donna Rose. So here you go:
Spare a few tuppence for her Santa hat, will ya?
CLUNK CLUNK, that is the sound of you falling out of your chair because she is so beautifully adorable!
Okay, here is your weekend-before-Christmas reading list, chosen as usual by the scientific method of "counting":
1. Like we said last week, we have a feeling that the weekly Off The Menu feature is going to top this list every week. Maybe we should just eliminate it from contention. JUST KIDDIN', PINKHAM! Everybody go read this week's stories of restaurant employees getting REVENGE.
2. Did you watch the big dumb Republican debate this week? Catch up on all the dick jokes and insightful analysis you missed, with Wonkette's liveblog!
3. Here's how Paul Ryan has failed as speaker in RECORD time. It's a Wonksplainer, where we Wonksplain things!
4. Lying liar Carly Fiorina does NOT LIKE being libeled like a common Sarah Palin. Huh!
5. If you missed LAST week's Off The Menu, about how dumb restaurant customers are an inexhaustible resource of dumb, it's number five this week!
6. Oh goody, the GOP has a secret plan to win the war on Donald Trump. (SPOILER: They may lose this war anyway!)
7. Oh goodness gracious, we are going wormhole-vortex-Wonkette again! Your number seven story is LAST WEEK'S TOP TEN LIST. Click and read if you dare!
8. Time for a sad, tragic Wonkette Long Read. It's about how the all-you-can-eat shrimp biscuit frittata crunchies at the Olive Garden are probably only there because of child slaves :(
9. Here's your dumbass "Fox & Friends" couch, jizzing itself in WAR ON CHRISTMAS YULETIDE RAAAAAAAGE.
10. And finally, did you hear the one about the New York priest who stole $1 million to give to his gay S&M sex lover? Totally normal Catholic love story.
So there you go, Wonkers. That's your assigned reading for Crimmus weekend.
Now you have one task left, and one task only. You should follow us on the Tweeter machine, if you are a tweeter who tweets. It's one of the best ways to always be on top of what's going on at Wonkette, ooh we like it when you're on top.
Now get the fuck out of here and don't trample anyone doing your last minute Christmas shopping.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.